‘Doog. He’s okay. In for revenge porn. Can you believe that? I didn’t even know what it was. Turns out it’s not actually a sexual offence but it will be soon so they chucked him in with the pervs, weirdos and me. He got six months but will probably be out in three because they need the space. Apparently, there’s no shortage of freaks to fill up cells, so fuck knows who I’ll end up with next.’
‘But do you get on? It must be a strain living in a confined space.’
‘Yeah, he’s fine and from what I can tell no danger to me or anyone really, just a bit of a pillock, I suppose. Apart from sharing explicit photos to the world of his ex who cheated on him, his main occupation is a doorman at night and in the day selling snide clothing and basically any knock-off he can get his hands on. He’s a character, reckons he knows some handy lads on the outside. He’s built like a brick shithouse and up to now has kept me out of harm’s way.’
Billie forced a smile. She couldn’t manage a laugh. ‘Is your cellmate here? Which one is he?’
Stan shook his head and stared, warning her of some hidden danger with his eyes. ‘Don’t be looking about, just focus on me. It’s best not to draw attention or make eye contact. I don’t like the idea of them gawping at you. Fuck knows what is going on in their heads. I told Mum the same when she first came. You know what she’s like, wants to be everyone’s best friend and say hello.’
‘How is your mum, and Darren? I was going to go round and see them this week, if that’s okay? I haven’t had time and it’s rained ever since the plane landed two days ago. Mum has this thing about me driving over the pass when it’s wet but I overruled her today, which as you know takes some guts.’ Once again Billie wanted to bite her own tongue off because she spotted instantly Stan’s intake of breath and tears welling in his eyes. She knew it was the mention of his family that had affected him and he was trying to control his feelings.
Ignoring Stan’s advice and glancing to her side Billie noticed that all the other couples were holding hands. She’d read the many rules that were posted in the waiting area and minimal contact was allowed so she folded her fingers around his and felt him grab on tightly. They sat in silence for a few moments while Stan gathered himself. Billie surmised that crying wasn’t a good look and would show weakness to other eagle-eyed prisoners.
His voice when he found it held a hint of anger. ‘Will you go and see her, Bill? She’s in a bad way and so is our Darren. All this has ruined their lives because mud sticks and they are paying the price for me being a dickhead.’
‘What do you mean? What’s happened?’ Billie squeezed his hands and tried to force some comfort into Stan.
‘I mean that people judge and whisper and one by one, apart from Hilary next door, all Mum’s friends and that lot from the church turned their back on her. She loved going to the coffee mornings and book club and, as you know, she never missed a Sunday service. From what our Darren has told me she’s not been to church since I was sent down. They didn’t openly blame her or tell her to piss off, but they gave her the cold shoulder and she knew they were gossiping behind her back. Everyone in the avenue knows her son is in prison and why. At the corner shop it was on those board things outside, written in big black letters, “local man found guilty of rape”. It destroyed her.
‘And that’s another thing. She received anonymity throughout the trial but as for me, my name was plastered all over the news, on the radio and sodding Facebook. What happened to innocent until proven guilty? Mum and Darren ended up being found guilty by association and it makes my blood boil.’
‘Oh God, Stan, that’s awful. How can people be so cruel? And what about Darren? What’s happened to him?’ Billie was starting to get it, the drip-drip effect of imprisonment.
Stan huffed his exasperation. ‘After I was arrested he fell apart and started missing school because of the whispers and nasty comments. Basically, he was getting bullied and I think it all got too much. He turned into a bit of a snapper and got into a couple of fights, which is out of character. He just couldn’t take it, the usual stuff, name-calling, notes stuck inside his locker, text messages and then it was all over Facebook. His girlfriend dumped him when her parents stuck their oar in, and when it came to his GCSEs the only way Mum could get him to go was by dropping him off at the door. He’d aced his mocks but his actual results were a disaster so instead of going into sixth form like he wanted, he’s moved schools and has to resit them all. Because of me he’s always going to be a year behind and to make things worse he lost his mates. They’ve all got on with their lives while he’s had to start a new one without me there to help him.’
Billie was stunned and angry and sad. It then occurred to her if she felt this way then Stan would be riddled with the same feelings, only magnified a million times. ‘Well I’m here now and I’ll go and see them tomorrow. I promise. And I’ll do whatever I can to help. I love them both to bits, always have and always will. Nothing’s changed.’ Billie meant it with all her heart. Splitting up with Stan had hurt even more because it meant losing Sue and Darren too. Hopefully that was going to change.
‘Thanks, Billie. It will set my mind at rest if you do. They’ve both been in to visit but the first time Mum just cried all the way through and Darren looked like he was in shock. It was bad enough waiting for nearly a year to go to trial and the strain was unbearable for all of us, especially because they both believed I was innocent. So this…’ Stan flicked his head to the side. ‘It’s almost finished them off.’
‘Well, I’ll work out a rota with your mum so that we both get to see you. Or maybe we can all come together if that’s what you want. It says you can have up to three visitors at a time so we can all squeeze in.’ Finally, Billie felt she’d found something positive to say and hoped the idea of a happy group chat around the Formica table would lift him. Maybe now was the time to say more but Stan’s next comment interrupted her train of thought. Or was it just another excuse?
‘That’d be nice. Whatever’s best and it might give Mum and Darren a break if they know you are going to visit. I can’t imagine they enjoy coming here. I try not to think about what happens before they get to see me because it just makes me want to scream.’
‘It’s not too bad, don’t worry, and I’m sure they think it’s worth it to see you. I did.’ Billie gave him a wink and hoped once again it would hide her feelings because she hadn’t enjoyed one bit being searched by the stony-faced prison officer or sniffed by the drugs-dog. You couldn’t even compare it to the rigmarole at the airport because at least there, you knew you were only a few steps away from your holidays and the checks kept you safe from suicide bombers; whereas here, it was a few steps towards misery.
Billie looked up at the clock and saw they only had thirty-five minutes left. The time had flown by.
Stan spoke next. ‘Do you want a brew or anything? I can’t go to the tea bar but you can.’
‘No, I’m fine. Shit, do you want something? Let me go and get you some snacks and you can eat them while we talk. I feel awful now. You should’ve said.’ Billie could’ve kicked herself. She needed to focus and pack as much into the visit as she could. Not waste it daydreaming and as usual, avoiding the issue.