The minute he said the words he regretted them because Billie’s eyes were wide and even beneath her suntan he could see she’d paled. Then again, the whole point of the exercise was to get her to help him, so perhaps honesty really was the best policy, for now. He omitted the night terrors, when it was almost impossible to sleep because of the screams that escaped from the cells of tortured minds, and some men cried or shouted obscenities. It was mental torture, just listening to it. And he’d overheard horror stories while he queued for food, of faces slashed by razor blades, of biros rammed into flesh and eyes, and of punishment beatings.
‘God, Stan, I can’t bear to imagine what it’s like for you. Seeing you in here is bad enough never mind actually having to live in this place. You look like you’ve lost weight. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this thin, apart from when you were a spotty teenager.’ Billie smiled and pushed her hands closer to Stan’s so that their fingertips touched.
He appreciated the attempt at mirth but the nod to the past stirred up memories and he felt his eyes begin to burn. He couldn’t go there, back to the beginning, to a time when a gang of unruly teenagers held court on the park and spent half their time trying to get adults to buy them cans of lager and cigarettes from the offie. ‘I’m not surprised I’ve lost weight. I’m bloody starving most of the time and the food is shite. I stock up on snacks from the shop but it’s not the same as proper meals. By the time I get out of here I’ll have reverted to spotty Stan the Man, the wheelie king and teenage gang boss.’
This time levity didn’t work and neither of them smiled. Referring to his old nickname and the past was like dabbing TCP on a cut.
Billie sighed then spoke, jabbing her fingertips against his as if to jolt him out of his gloom. ‘Hey, I’ll remind you that I actually fell for spotty Stan the Man even though he didn’t know I existed until I was twenty-one… but I forgive you, even for the time you kicked me in the head from the rope swing. I think I still have a trainer imprint on my forehead, see.’ Billie pushed her face closer and pointed to where the imaginary mark lay. It was then that he caught a hint of her perfume – roses – and spotted the tattoo.
‘Well, amongst my huge list of regrets that’s right up there on the list, us not getting together sooner, and the kick in the head, obviously.’
‘Stan, we all have regrets, me too, but if we sit here going over them all it’ll drive us mad and anyway, we need to talk about you and the here and now. There’s things I need to say. For a start, before you tell me how your mum and Darren are doing and we discuss the contents of your letter, there’s something I have to ask you otherwise I’ll feel like I’m being fake.’
Stan’s heart lurched. He’d been expecting this. ‘Okay, ask away but I think I know what you’re going to say.’
When Billie pulled her hands away and folded them across her chest, Stan felt the dynamic shift. She had gone from jovial and concerned to defence mode. She was also fixing him with her ‘I mean business’ stare.
‘Why didn’t you tell me the truth, Stan? That’s all I want to know. I’ve always hated liars, you know that. I asked you during one of our text exchanges if you were dating or if there was anyone in your life and you said no. I kind of worked out that you wanted to come across as single and why; but you should have been honest. It was really important to me that you told the truth and you didn’t.’
‘I know, I know. It was a fucking stupid thing to do and you’re right, I should have been honest but Bill you can’t imagine how elated I was to get your message so I just panicked… the letter explains the rest.’ Stan knew how much Billie hated being lied to even about the smallest of things and he’d made a huge error so now he had to put it right. And he only had forty-five minutes to do it.
‘Jesus, Stan. You really do know how to mess with my head, don’t you? I expected you to be with someone. It’s not like you’ve got a great track record for keeping your zip up, is it? All you had to say was that you were seeing someone but it wasn’t serious. I’m a big girl. I’d have dealt with it.’
‘Don’t you think I wish I could change that? It was just one more stupid mistake that I’m paying for along with the rest. I knew that’s why you shut me off when I was arrested, plus I’d been accused of rape. I swear, Billie, I thought I was going mad, I didn’t know which way to turn not to mention being scared shitless. I did consider texting you and explaining but I had to focus on saving my skin and staying sane.’ Stan hated talking about that time, his starring role in a horror movie.
The anger in him was building and he had to suppress it, smother the flames of hate that could be whipped up even by the merest hint of the past. He focused on Billie, her eyes, her nose ring, her lips as she spoke and like someone turning down a pan of bubbling water, the heat began to subside.
‘I feel like such a bitch, turning my back on you like that but I panicked and went into meltdown when I got the message from our Debbie saying you’d been arrested and what for. You know what she’s like, the family Facebook detective who loves a bit of gossip. I nearly passed out with the shock but didn’t believe it, not for one minute. I presumed straight away it was a mistake. I even concocted all sorts of drunken, nightclub scenarios in my head where a one-night stand went wrong. I was already making excuses for you. As usual Debbie only had half a story so I tried to ring you but couldn’t get through which is why I rang your mum to see what was going on. She told me the police took your phone and other stuff. I swear that when she told me you’d been going out with Kelly for six months I thought I really was going to faint. That’s when I saw red because you’d lied to me. I just couldn’t deal with it. My head was a mess at the time and I just snapped.’
‘It’s okay, I understand.’ Stan noticed that Billie was blushing and couldn’t meet his eyes which told him she really did feel bad.
‘Well it was wrong, I see that now and I’m sorry because the last thing you needed was me turning my back or doubting you for even a minute, and that’s what I did and I feel like a bitch.’
‘Honest, Bill, it’s okay. I swear I understand and at least you read the letter and gave me a second chance. You came today and that’s what counts. Seriously, I was such a mess that you couldn’t have helped me. In the end nobody could, not even Mum who has been dragged through the shit with all this, and our Darren.’ Stan leant against the back of his chair. His whole body was rigid and he needed to ease the tension that had taken hold.
When he saw Billie smile and then replace her hands on the table, slender fingers spread wide, adorned with silver rings, Stan relaxed slightly.
When she spoke her voice seemed lighter and had lost its edge. ‘I’m glad we got that out of the way though… it’s been eating me up.’
‘Let’s just forget about it and move on, but I’ve got a couple of questions for you, seeing as we’re being honest.’ Stan saw Billie’s eyebrows raise before she smiled, which gave him courage to continue.
‘Go on… but before you ask I’m not going to send you naked photos of me or talk dirty on the phone, just so we know where we stand. I’ve heard that’s what goes on in these places.’