My lashes flashed, and I turned, my breath stolen away again. Lena stared at me, expectant. She told me to call her that. Not my counselor anymore since freshman year.
“What?” I asked, bracing my arms. She’d said something to me.
The woman’s smile was slight, her eyes always warm as she lounged back against her desk. “I asked how you’d been holding up. You came to see me. Gosh, it’s been years.”
It had been years, enough for me to notice. I should have come to her sooner. I should have come to her before things got so deep.
But that’s not why you’re here now.
The reason was stupid, incredibly, and I realized that the moment Lena left her desk and approached. I couldn’t look at her directly in the eye, so close to someone else’s…
“I’m sorry.” I really was dumb, and I left, needing to breathe. I needed to get out of there.
Why can’t I just let go?
I didn’t want to, anger and fury filling me. The betrayal was suffocating, my own damn fucking fault. I should have known that’s where this would go. I wasn’t worth it to anyone.
I wasn’t worth fighting for.
Certain of that now, I passed Lena and forced myself to let go of a lifeline. I needed to let go, so obsessed I had to see Lena. She’d been my friend, but that’s not why I came to her. I wanted something, selfish for needing only one last look of those eyes. They weren’t mine to look at, to have. That fact had been proven to me, and I had to accept that.
“Paige, wait.”
I clipped my old counselor’s shoulder, Lena, on the way out. Me coming in here like I did, then leaving wasn’t fair to her, but I didn’t fucking care. There’d be no more hurt after I left this room, only pain.
There’d only be revenge.
I slammed the door to the downtown practice, leaving the building as quickly as I’d come. I was so happy I’d come to see Lena in the end. I’d needed a reality check.
I needed one last goodbye to those eyes.
Six
The present
December
I drowned in a sea of images, reality I forced myself to take in. I had to see the truth. I had to experience it, and doing so ripped me apart, each and every image I forced myself to thumb through. I had to see it all, though. I had to be shown the truth, and sometimes, yeah, Royal had to turn those pages for me. Sometimes, he even had to hold me up just for me to see those images, but I was there for every one. I was there for the story.
I was there for this new reality.
He showed me pain. He showed me trauma, and every moment he made sure to remain stronger than me. He soldiered on through my screams, held me through my terror, and told me the story.
No matter how much it broke him too.
He told me there was tearing at one point, physical evidence of forced entry discovered via the autopsy. There were no photos of this, but Dr. Felton had left detailed notes, ones Royal talked about before he allowed me to read the notes myself. He’d been absolutely shaking when he told me about the evidence, and reading on, I understood why.
The vomit came right behind.
It came in a never-ending wave, Royal holding me the whole time while I let it out. I filled probably two trash cans, the tearing noted to be between my sister’s legs when I made it that far in the notes.
Rape.
The letters had been big and red, a blur behind cloudy vision. I cried my goddamn eyes out, as much as I could between bouts of vomiting. Royal gripped me within his strong embrace, not letting go, and eventually, he decided I had enough. He told me my life would change just the day before, to get one last good sleep when we were on the road.
I’d never sleep whole again.
He had me on the road after we left the coroner’s office but not for long. We checked into a hotel, but as far outside of Corrington Meadows as he could get me. It was a bigger town, a nicer city and hotel, and with more than just a bed and small bathroom like the motel he’d checked us into the night prior. We hadn’t had many options in Corrington Meadows, but this new city he’d been able to get a suite. It had three rooms and a giant bathroom, and though I had no idea how much it cost, I had a feeling he spared no expense. Royal basically carried me into the suite at that point, no words shared between us since in Dr. Felton’s office. They hadn’t come from me, of course, all from him for so long…
“There was tearing between her legs, Em…”
I couldn’t breathe again, dizzy, and Royal physically picked me up and secured me in his muscled arms. Like an unshakable mountain, he walked with me to the bathroom, only taking the moments to kick down the lid of the toilet before setting me on top of it. He helped me brush my teeth, then ran me a bath in a tub fit for like five people. Nothing but silence was between us as he gathered the bubbles up and made them nice and big. After he finished, he only left me for the moments it took to get me a change of clothes from my bag. He placed them down when he returned, and after confirming I’d be able to handle the rest, he left me in the bathroom. I sat there for so many moments before deciding the hot water and his labor might do something for me, anything to help.
“…she was dead before it even came down the track.”
I ached in the bath, physically biting my arm to keep from screaming. Eventually, I just laid my head on my arms, my legs braced as the water cooled and the bubbles of the bath disappeared around me. Soon, I was sitting in lukewarm water by myself.
I was unable to do anything else.
“Em?”
Royal had knocked first before speaking, but I hadn’t said anything. Adjusting my legs, I cradled my arms. My sister had been murdered.
My sister had been assaulted.
The tears burned hot, and I closed my eyes, another knock on the door.
“Em, can I come in?”
I must have said yes only loud enough for him to hear. I did want him in here. I did want him with me. I was so alone in my head, and that scared me, terrified me, where I’d go if I let the thoughts in my head go rogue for too long. The door squeaked open, and a boy came in. I barely saw him, unable to even lift my head. It wasn’t until Royal bent and sat on the floor beside the tub I even allowed myself to get a look of him.
I wasn’t the only one who felt this, experienced this. Normally lustrous green eyes were dull, bloodshot and lined with red. His sandy blond hair was all over the place, his fingers ran clear through many times. Pain laced his chiseled features, his strong jaw worked tight but even still, he didn’t address any of it. He didn’t acknowledge what he was feeling. Reaching into the bath, he took my sponge and brought it over my shoulders, the rough tips of his fingers brushing my skin.
I shivered, but not from the chill, leaning into each welcomed touch he gave me. I needed it. I needed his love so much right now.
Washing me seemed to be the only way for him to express it, at a loss for words himself as he bathed me. I sighed when he brought the water over my head, his fingers moving next to wash my hair. He took great care with this, lathering and rinsing before repeating, and after, he braided it. He’d done this before, and I knew he knew how.
He’d done this with her.
I stayed silent, screaming inside. The dull ache only eased a little by Royal’s touch, one I wanted more and more of the more he touched me. His hand ran down my clean back, and I leaned into his touch, silently calling out for him to do more.