I hear the words he wanted to say, and didn’t. Before you tried to kill everyone.
“I knew it was wrong.”
“Yeah, but—”
“No.” He shakes his head at me. “No. I don’t get a pass, Indie. None of us do. I just…” He draws in a deep breath and then blows it out. “I don’t understand why I got involved with you and Adam in the first place.”
“What do you mean?”
“It was my idea, Indie. I’m the reason Adam bought you at the auction.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“Well.” He huffs out a laugh. “You don’t need to believe it to make it true. I was there when it happened. You were in a cage waiting to be eaten by a snake.”
I don’t think back on that night much. I don’t actually have a lot of feelings about it. Which is telling in a lot of ways.
“I told him to buy you. I practically talked him into it. And I wanted to be in it. I offered my services to him. To control you. That’s what I told him, Indie. I would use my PSYOPS experience to keep you in line.”
I shrug with my hands. “I know that’s how it happened. But Adam went to the island all on his own. You didn’t make him show up. Plus, it kinda worked. I’m not sure why you’re being so hard on yourself now. We know how it turned out. I mean, I could see you having this existential crisis if we were back in the past. Maybe when I was thirteen or something and things were still up in the air. But we’re on the other side of it now.”
“Are we?”
“Aren’t we?”
He shakes his head slowly. “No. That’s the problem. We’re still in the middle of it, Indie. It’s not over.”
I sigh long and loud. “I know that. I get it. Carter is still out there and he obviously wants something from me. But listen, I don’t care who he is—we’re a team of pretty formidable people, Donovan. Whatever his plan is, it’s not gonna go off without a hitch.”
He grunts a little, but stays silent, again playing with his lip.
“I brought you here because I want you to help me remember things before the island. And to ask you if you found any other files about me.”
He stops playing with his lip. “I just told you I handed everything over. I’m not hiding anything.”
“But did you look in the records, Donovan? From the island? I know you inherited your grandfather’s estate. And I’ve heard enough of Adam’s conversations with McKay to know that you got a lot of money out of that. But your family was in charge of that island for generations. So I was wondering if you came across any other records. Genealogy stuff, you know? Something that could tell me where I came from.”
He looks at me thoughtfully. “I don’t have access to most of it. It’s digital and behind a whole fucking slew of passwords. My grandfather didn’t exactly leave me a file with the passwords, ya know? I used to snoop when I was younger. I hacked in a few times.” He throws up his hands. “See, this is my problem. I don’t know why I did that. Or what I was looking for.”
“Maybe you were looking for Carter?”
“But why, Indie? Why would I be looking for him back then? As far as I knew, he was dead. And now, after all that school, I just know way too much to let this go.” He points to his head. “The mind is a very powerful organ. We barely understand it. But here’s what we do know—it’s not reliable. Memories are things we make up, mostly. I mean, if you’re not crazy, then a lot of it is real. But it’s always tainted. By emotions, or things happening in the background, or just… wishful thinking. But we’re not exactly sane, are we? So our minds probably make a lot more mistakes in this regard then most others. So… I don’t know what’s real anymore. The man I am right now cannot understand what the boy at fifteen was thinking when he agreed to be a part of this. That’s why I have the office. I’m doing some self-hypnosis. Trying to dig out the parts that are missing and fill in the blanks. I just need to know why. Why the fuck did I get involved in this? Because all I had to do was just… go to school. Become a doctor. Do what they said.”
“Yeah, well.” I blow out a breath of air and a piece of hair in front of my face flies up. “Teenagers, Donovan. They’re not exactly known for following the rules.”
“Understatement of the fucking decade. My point is—the man I am right now? He feels sick about the boy he was. I”—he shakes his head—“I don’t like that boy.”
“Yeah, well, I’m not exactly in love with the girl I was either. That’s my point and why I asked you here. I mean, maybe we can help each other? Ya know? If you help me find my old self, I’ll help you find yours.”
I smile at him. I’m not the kinda girl who checks herself in the mirror regularly. Or even daily, if I’m being honest. But I can be pretty damn charismatic when I smile.
So he smiles back, appreciating my effort.
I walk over to him and plop down in his lap. His arms fall around me like I’m an old habit and I sink back into his chest and relax. “I like you, Donovan. We’ve always been friends, right?”
“I guess. I mean, yes.” He laughs. “You and I are friends. We’re not very different, are we? And we’re not even that far apart in age. Just five years. Which felt like a lifetime of difference back when you first came here. But it doesn’t feel so far away now, does it?”
“Nope. We’re peers, right? It’s different with us than it is with Adam and McKay. I’ve always thought of you the way I did Nathan. You know, my friend. Not my boss. Even though you were always the one in charge, I never felt like you were demanding things of me. It was always an ask.”
“Hmm. That’s nice to know. I carry a lot of guilt about you, Indie.” He pushes me away a little bit so he can see my face. “I’d just like to say I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have—”
“Oh, stop. That’s not even true. Who the hell knows who would’ve bought me if it wasn’t you and Adam?”
“Oh, God.” He rubs his temple with a fingertip. “As much as I want to tell you not to say that—that I didn’t buy you—it’s true, isn’t it? I did.”
“That’s not the point I was making. I’m just saying, it could’ve been a lot worse. I’d probably be dead now if you two didn’t buy me that day.” We both think about this for a little bit and then I say, “So what do you think? You help me and I’ll help you?”
He sighs again, sounding very tired. “What’s your plan, then? More therapy?”
“Yeah. I want you to put me under and ask me things. Things about before the island. And then… I don’t know. I’ll help you any way I can. I’ll ask you things, if you want. I can’t hypnotize you, obviously. But I can help you figure it out. I don’t have any idea what self-hypnosis looks like, but it can’t be… reliable. At least I’ll keep you honest.”
“Is this gonna be a secret? Just between us?”
“It doesn’t have to be, if that makes you uncomfortable. We can tell Adam and McKay if—”