He doesn’t look up from the newspaper and my heart shatters. Even Wi-Fi is triggering and everything about being here is suddenly too much. Why did I think this was a good idea? How can I possibly live in the house that has been stripped of every memory, of everything I love? Except Gramps. But even Gramps isn’t Gramps.
“I know you kids need it for school,” Gramps says. “It’s getting reinstalled next week.”
“I have some things I have to take care of, like, right now,” I say.
Translation: I need to get out of here now. I can’t be offline for a week. And I can’t run One True Pastry from my phone.
“Then go to the library.” Gramps says, not even looking up.
And wow, his indifference? It hurts.
But I want to go. I need to go.
“Okay. Well, I’ll be back before dinner.…” I run upstairs for my backpack. Then remember that I left my laptop in the living room, so I double back and shove it inside the sleeve, then tuck the sleeve inside the backpack. Zip backpack. Retie shoelaces. Yell up to Ollie that I’ll be with the books, which he’ll get if he even hears me. Get out of here.
I dash out the door, craving my Kels life like a drug.
* * *
Twenty minutes later, there’s still no Ariel Goldberg email, but I’m reconnected and feeling about a million percent better. I’m supposed to be writing a guest post for Teen Vogue. Instead, I’m assuring my friends that I am, in fact, not dead.
Amy Chen
i mean in all fairness what were we supposed to think?
3:34 PM
you went off the grid for SIX HOURS.
3:34 PM
Elle Carter
IN THE SUMMER. DURING NORMAL BUSINESS HOURS.
3:35 PM
Samira Lee
Really, Kels. You’d be just as worried if any of us vanished mid-convo with no explanation!!
3:36 PM
OMG
3:36 PM
the only thing that died was my phone
3:37 PM
Elle Carter
The first rule of internet friendship? Inform your comrades when your phone is on the brink of death
3:38 PM
Amy Chen
lol also we know you’ve been messaging Nash
3:39 PM
Amy Chen
he confirmed your semi-on the grid status two hours ago!
3:40 PM
Samira Lee
We see where your loyalty is!!
3:41 PM
3:42 PM
Amy Chen
lol you don’t even deny it anymore
3:43 PM
i’m sorry it’s been a day okay!!
3:44 PM
Amy Chen
whatever. i get it. you have to admit it to yourself before you can admit it to your besties. i’ll be here to say I TOLD U SO when you do.
3:45 PM
… what am I admitting?
3:45 PM
Elle Carter
Girl, you know.
3:45 PM
…
3:46 PM
My friends, along with the rest of the internet, love to act like something is going on between Nash and me. For the record, it’s not. Nash is the first person who left a comment on my blog, which led to me discovering REX, which resulted in our first DMs. He’s the first real friend I ever had. My best friend.
Amy, Elle, and Samira’s jokes cut closer to home though because they’re friends with Nash too. Book Twitter is already a bubble. Teen Book Twitter? It’s such a niche subsection of the Twitterverse—pretty much everyone knows everyone. Or at least, knows of everyone.
Samira Lee
*an extremely natural segue*
Brooklyn wants to know how moving went, Kels?
3:50 PM
Samira sends us a string of portrait-mode photos of Brooklyn, her perfect queen of a cat. I save them to my camera roll, because Brooklyn photos make the best memes. On Twitter, she’s a star.
ok. i’m used to it, you know?
3:45 PM
it’s not really a big deal anymore
3:46 PM
My friends think I’m an army brat. It explains why I move around so much. If I told them the real reason, it would get complicated. And the best thing about being Kels is how uncomplicated she is. She bakes cupcakes inspired by book covers, reviews YA books, and always knows exactly what to say. She never thought-spirals or blurts out the wrong thing at the wrong time. She makes a religion out of the backspace key. She doesn’t have Halle’s Academy Award–nominated parents or a publishing royalty grandmother to live up to.
And she has actual friends. Even though we’ve never met, they aren’t just pixels to me. Amy, Elle, and Samira are the people I talk to every day—whether about the latest drama on Book Twitter, the disappointment in an ARC I was so excited for, or asking their opinions on which photo to use for the next cupcake Instagram post. Even though they don’t know my real name, they know me better than anyone. Well, except Nash.
Amy Chen
not a big deal! i cried for a week when i moved into my dorm.
3:47 PM
Amy Chen
i’m still crying because i’m going to be paying off student loans until i’m 40.
3:47 PM
Elle Carter
Wait! Didn’t you settle on UT Austin to SAVE money?
3:47 PM
Amy Chen
yup!! college is a scam!! if more sponsorships came through i’d honestly consider booktubing full time
3:48 PM
omg so then I could say I’m friends with a NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLING author /and/ a CAREER YOUTUBER???
3:49 PM
Elle Carter
omg stop it I’m blushing!
3:49 PM
Amy Chen
pray to the gods of monetization for me please!!
3:49 PM
Samira Lee
3:49 PM
Elle Carter
3:49 PM
3:49 PM
Samira Lee
Also. Hold up. Elle. You let Kels read
IT’LL NEVER BE YOU????
3:50 PM
SHE DID AND IT’S AMAZING
3:51 PM
Elle Carter
You think anything pitched as “hate-to-love” is amazing, Kels
3:52 PM
BECAUSE IT IS
3:52 PM
Samira Lee
BECAUSE IT IS
3:52 PM
Elle Carter
Well. Thank you. It actually might not be trash? Lilah thinks we can go on sub next month.
I send a string of screaming emojis, then thank Samira for the super-casual segue in our private chat. Amy and Elle frequently spiral into a Kels + Nash = Endless Hearts rabbit hole. It’s pretty cringe-y, but at least Samira is always on my side.
Samira Lee
Totally natural segues are my specialty. See.
3:54 PM
My phone blows up again with twelve new pictures of Brooklyn.
Back in the group chat, the subject shifts.
Samira Lee
Wait. Kels. Have you heard from AG’s people?
4:01 PM
not yet!
4:02 PM
i’m stressed!!
4:03 PM
Elle Carter
Don’t stress! It’s PUBLISHING. So like. Expecting a response today most definitely means you won’t get one until next week.
4:03 PM
Elle is probably right, but I can’t focus on blog content now anyway, so I let my eyes wander to the shelves around me. I have a prime window seat in the YA section, which I finally found after climbing up a winding staircase and through a narrow corridor. I’ve been here a handful of times, only on the off chance that Grams didn’t have a book I was looking for, but the YA section is somehow smaller than I remember. Then again, it’s a small library. My eye lands on the first two books in a new epic fantasy series that Amy recommended to me, so I get up to grab them. Then I pause at the NEW AND NOTEWORTHY endcap, stalling. I know I should check these out and go home, but I’m not ready to go back to that house and face Gramps.