“You know the high you feel right before that chute opens and you go after that calf?”
Tanner took a pull of beer and nodded. “Yeah. Nothing like it.”
“After my accident, I craved that feeling. Knowing I would never have it again did something to my mind. Fucked with me, big time. Then I discovered I could have a version of it with the pain pills.”
I could feel Tanner’s eyes on me. He remained silent, so I kept talking.
“It was a different high. A different rush, but hell, it was a rush nonetheless. It dulled the pain I not only felt in my knee but in my chest as well. Just like that feeling you get before a run—it was also addictive.”
Facing Tanner, I took in a deep breath and let it out. “So addictive it scared the shit out of me. I got lost to it so fast. I spun out of control, and man, I thought I was smart. Hiding it from everyone, thinking I had the reins grasped tight on it. It took me a long time, Tanner, to realize I never had control. It almost . . . destroyed me. The rush I got from bull riding, yeah, it was dangerous, but I always knew I was the one in control, you know?”
He nodded. “Yeah, I know.”
I rubbed the back of my neck. “Just when I thought I had beaten the addiction, another one came along. One I wasn’t ready for at all.”
“Ty, what do you mean?”
I heard the concern in his voice and put my hand on his shoulder and gave it a squeeze. “Not drugs, bro . . . Kaylee. She might as well be a damn drug.”
His body relaxed.
I added, “I’m not going to lie: when she first showed up, with that little southern accent and those blue eyes, I wanted nothing more than to get her into my bed.”
“You don’t anymore?”
“Oh, I still do . . . and that’s the problem.”
He laughed.
“For the first time in my life, though, I’ve felt something for a woman that wasn’t lust.”
“Don’t know that feeling, dude,” Tanner said, taking a drink of his beer.
“Be glad you don’t. It fucks with your head.”
“So I’ve heard and seen. Chance is all caught up in some little barrel racer. Thinks he’s in love.”
“Wow,” I replied, looking at Tanner. “What’s going on with that?” I asked, hoping to change the subject from me and Kaylee. But it didn’t work.
Tanner smirked. “We ain’t here to talk about Chance. Keep going.”
I nodded. “Anyway, Kaylee wasn’t supposed to stay in town. I figured I could scratch the itch, she’d move on, probably come back into town a few times a year, we’d hook up, and that would be that.”
“What happened?” he asked.
“I kissed her.”
His brows pulled in and he stared at me. The only sound that could be heard was that of Mama’s wind chimes blowing in the slight wind that enveloped us.
“You remember that rush? The high? I felt something like it for the first time in my life with a woman, and it was caused because of Kaylee Holden’s damn kiss. My chest closed in on me, and I needed a woman—and it wasn’t just for the sex. I don’t even know how to explain it, but it felt like she had poured something of herself into me, and it left me craving more. So much more.”
“And let me guess: you freaked out.”
“Of course I freaked out. Wouldn’t you have?”
He laughed. “Yeah, I probably would have, for a minute, and then I would have explored it.”
I shook my head. “I can’t let myself get attached to her. The idea that I had felt that much from just a kiss . . . who in the hell knows what making love to her would have been like if I hadn’t walked away. I can’t trust myself with those types of feelings. I don’t know how else to explain it.”
“I get it, but I think you’re missing out on something if you don’t at least try, Ty.”
I pressed the beer to my lips and took a long drink. “I can’t do it, Tanner. If I let myself even think about it, and then things don’t work out or she ends up leaving? No, thanks.”
He let out a confused laugh. “So you won’t even give it a chance because you’re afraid it might not work out or she’ll leave?”
“Pretty much. I don’t think I can handle another failure in my life, Tanner.”
“Another failure? What in the hell are you talking about, Ty?”
“Bull riding, my drug addiction?”
Tanner grabbed my shoulder and gave me a push, causing me to look at him. “You did not fail at either of those things, dude. Ty, you were on your way to being number one again. It was a drunk driver who took that away from you. That was completely out of your control. And the drugs? You beat it—you recognized when the temptation crept up again after Brock’s accident, and you started back up with therapy. You’re winning that battle, Ty. Don’t you ever fucking doubt that.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat and nodded. “You should charge my therapist for this session, ya know.”
He rolled his eyes and dropped his hand. “I’m serious, Ty. Listen, I’m going to be the first guy to say I have zero interest in tying myself down to anyone for a long time. My dick likes his playtime, and trust me when I say that we get a lot of playtime out on the road.”
I laughed and shook my head.
“But I also believe in love. I see it in our parents. I see it with Brock and Lincoln. Hell, did you ever think Brock would open up his heart again after Kaci died giving birth to Blayze?”
“No, I honestly didn’t.”
“Then why won’t you let yourself believe that you can also find happiness, Ty?”
“I’m not the kind of guy Kaylee needs.”
“Who does she need?” Tanner asked, setting his now-empty beer bottle down behind him.
“Someone without a fucked-up past.”
“But she has a fucked-up past of her own.”
I rubbed the back of my neck. “Exactly. That’s why she doesn’t need someone like me. She deserves someone better.”
Tanner let out a frustrated sigh. “Ty, you’re never going to be able to move on if you don’t stop thinking you’re not good enough. Do you realize Dad couldn’t run this place without you?”
I laughed. “He did fine before I worked here full time.”
“He also never told you about all the ranch hands he had to hire on to help him out. You showed up and got everything organized and working like a fine-tuned machine, and Dad hasn’t stressed at all these last few years.
“Ty, this is in your blood. This ranch. Being a rancher is what you were made for. And look at the work you do with the agricultural-education program. Look at what those kids are learning, what they’re doing. Brock also told me you’re looking into possibly raising some bulls for competition and have already been talking with Doug from the PBR. Damn, brother, give yourself some credit, will you, please?”
I finished off the last of my beer and set the bottle next to Tanner’s. “Yeah, I guess so. It doesn’t really matter anyway. I watched Channing walk into Kaylee’s house after kissing her. Then, when I looked back, her kitchen light went off, so what do you think they’re doing?”