He rested the car seat on the coffee table, setting the brand new diaper bag beside it. Inside the seat, Gray was still sleeping peacefully. He didn’t know that when he opened his eyes, the world he thought he knew, the one that consisted only of the small three-hundred-square-foot hospital room, would be so much bigger and more different than he could’ve imagined. The only thing familiar now would be the two of us. The two people who loved him most in the world.
Ben held out a hand. “Want me to take that?” He gestured toward the overnight bag thrown over my shoulder. I handed it to him, thankful for the relief from carrying it. Even though it wasn’t nearly over the ten-pound weight limit my doctor had recommended, every ounce of added strain on my muscles was torture. “Leave the pain medicine out on the counter,” I reminded him as he made his way into the kitchen. He nodded and began searching the bag, leaving Gray and me alone.
I eased down on the couch, clenching my pelvis as I felt a gush of blood. Don’t leak, don’t leak, don’t leak. I stood back up, pulling one of the disposable bed pads the nurse gave me from the diaper bag and laying it down on the edge of the couch. I sank back down, thankful for the extra protection, then looked over at my son.
The word still felt foreign to me.
Son.
I had a son.
I was a mom.
How strange…and yet, how wonderful. I reached my hand forward, pressing a finger to one of his tiny feet. I needed to touch him as much as I needed to breathe. It was instinctual. I wondered how mad Ben would be if I took him from the car seat. It was sure to wake him up, but I just wanted him close to me. Closer than he already was. I teared up at the mere thought of him, damn baby blues. Ben was busy with the bag, not paying attention as I moved toward our son.
I unbuckled him, lifting his tiny hands away from the straps one at a time as I removed them. He stirred, his little lips opening, and a tiny mitten-clad fist moved to rub his eyes.
“Hey there, Gray baby,” I whispered, lifting him from the seat and resting him on my chest. I leaned back on the couch, heaving a sigh of relief as his breathing seemed to slow mine. Just two days ago, he was still a part of me. Still inside my body. How was it possible he was on his own already? That I was back on mine?
“Did he wake up?” Ben asked, zipping back across the room as Gray let out a soft coo.
“No, he’s back asleep,” I told him quietly, feeling my breasts swelling with milk as his body heat warmed my skin. “I just wanted to hold him.”
Ben lifted the seat and placed it on the floor, coming to sit down beside me. His finger traced Gray’s cheek. “He’s incredible,” he whispered, and I felt tears collecting in my eyes again.
“I don’t ever want to let him go.”
He put a hand on my back, graciously ignoring my tears as he’d had to for the past two days. No one told me being a new mom would turn me into a crier.
He slid his hand up my back, gripping my shoulder lovingly. “Do you want to get some rest? The doctor said you should sleep while he does.”
Even though I hadn’t slept much at all over the past two days, I didn’t feel the least bit tired. I didn’t want to put Gray down, but when I shook my head, he began to stir, negating the offer. His head lifted and bobbed away from my chest as he searched for a food source.
I scooted back on the couch, placing the pillow under my arm and obliging. “There you go, Gray baby,” I whispered, my voice low and soothing, though I was in pain again. My stomach cramped, and I felt a new gush of blood between my legs as he suckled at my breast. Ben stood at once, grabbing his Boppy pillow and wrapping it around my waist. He bent down, pulling my shoes from my feet and moving the coffee table toward me so my feet could rest there. He walked back across the room and into the kitchen, and returned a moment later with a glass of water, one slice of lemon in it.
“Here you go.” He placed the straw next to my mouth and I took a sip, then he reached across me, careful of Gray’s head, and put the glass on my table.
“Thank you, baby,” I said, my eyes already trained on my son once again.
“Well, what do you think? You want to keep him?” Ben joked, wrapping an arm around me to peer down at him.
I wrinkled my nose. “He’s absolutely perfect, Ben,” I said, cuddling Gray closer to me as his eyes rolled back with delight, white milk bubbles forming at the corner of his mouth. My eyes felt heavy suddenly, as if I could’ve fallen asleep at any moment, and I wondered how I’d felt so awake just moments before.
As Gray fell away from my chest, I felt Ben reach for him. He kissed my cheek as he took the baby from my arms. I smiled at him, my body burning warm and light with sleep as he pulled the blanket from the back of the couch with one arm and used it to cover me.
“I’m so tired,” I whispered, though he must’ve known it.
“I know, baby. Go to sleep. Daddy’ll take over for a while.” He cuddled Gray into his chest, bouncing him softly.
“He’ll need to be burped,” I reminded him as I stifled a yawn.
Ben began patting his back, whispering softly in his ear as Gray fussed.
“It’s okay, little guy. Daddy’s here.” He winked at me as I closed my eyes a final time. Everything in me wanted to be awake, be present to see all the changes, every moment that I knew I’d miss while I slept, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t fight sleep for a second longer.
Darkness found me, and I drifted off to sleep to the sound of Ben humming a song I couldn’t recall the name of.
Chapter Three
I rocked Gray carefully, humming in his ear long past the time he’d fallen asleep. I couldn’t get over how much I loved feeling his little chest rise and fall against mine.
I could’ve lain there all day. No place to go. Nothing to do. I could’ve lain still and held my child until he outgrew my arms. I glanced at the clock as a familiar dull ache grew in my lower stomach. It was past the time for me to take my medicine, but Ben had been in the bathroom for quite a while.
I sat still, trying to think of something else. He’d be out soon. I could wait. When a second wave of achiness came on a few minutes later, I winced, shifting my weight carefully. I lifted Gray away from me and laid him down, careful to keep his face away from the back of the couch. I patted his tummy as he tightened his arms and legs, aware of my absence, but quickly calmed down.
I grasped my own stomach as I moved to stand, putting pressure on my scar to keep the pain at bay. I moved slowly across the apartment, every move met with a bolt of pain. When I reached the counter, I picked up the bottle and twisted it open, taking my pill without water.
I couldn’t hear the shower still running from the bathroom. What is he up to? “Ben?” I whisper-yelled, praying I wouldn’t need to walk that far. The nurses had told me not to miss a dose; it was harder to get back out of pain once you were in it, and better to stay on top of it. Until that moment, we’d been incredibly diligent with my regimen.
When he didn’t answer, I sucked in a shallow breath and pushed off from the counter, easing my way down the hall, my hands on both sides to keep me from falling.
I made it to the bedroom door and pushed it open carefully. His back was to the door, already fully dressed, though his hair was wet.