I didn’t really want to talk about the past. “We were silly schoolgirls back then. We should have known that plans don’t always work out, especially when war changes everything.”
“I think about those days,” she said in a dreamy sort of voice, one I’d never heard from her before. “About how I didn’t have anything to worry about except practicing enough so my teacher wouldn’t get angry at me. And I think about how much I loved going to your house after school. Your mother was always so kind to me, asking me questions as if every detail of my life was so important to her.”
Raisa closed her eyes as her fingers moved up and down again, like she was playing heavy chords faster and faster. Then in one quick movement she was back on her feet and back to herself. “Enough of all that. I want to talk about you.”
“Me? Why? There’s nothing to talk about.”
She came over and sat down next to me. “Yes, there is. You shouldn’t be doing this, putting yourself at risk to get medicine for the hospital. I know the hospital was important to your mother, but you need to think about you. Even though I don’t want you to go, you have to get away from Russia. Pavel is dead, and you staying here won’t bring him back. Go to America and visit your grandmother. She can’t be as bad as you say she is. Or travel. Your stepfather would give you the money.” She grabbed my hand, and when she spoke again, her voice was almost frantic. “Other people can manage the hospital and take care of your little sisters. Your mother would want you to go. She was always saying don’t let the past hold you back.”
I didn’t understand why she was so upset. “Raisa, don’t fret about me. You have enough to worry about.”
She bit her lip, and I saw that her eyes were full of unshed tears. “I do worry about you. You don’t have to have your life ruined because of the war. I’m afraid it’s going to drag on and on, and everything is just going to get worse and worse.”
I wanted to cover my ears and pretend I hadn’t heard her. She of all people should have understood I’d never leave my family. “No, the hospital is important to me too, and I’m sticking to my plan.” I wanted to remind her it was the plan she had encouraged me to make, back when we thought writing down our future would make it become a reality. “My mother’s death isn’t going to stop me from going to medical school. And the war isn’t going to stop me either. Besides, I barely remember the United States. This is my home.”
“You wouldn’t have to go away forever. When do you have time to study with all you do? The entrance exam is brutal. And missing the last year of school is going to make it that much harder for you.”
I should have known she would keep pressing me. Raisa was relentless when she got an idea in her head. I tried one more time. “I do study on my own at night when I get back from the hospital.” I didn’t say that most nights I only managed a few paragraphs in my Greek or Latin textbook before I fell asleep. “And as soon as I manage to find a governess for the twins, I’ll have more time to study.”
I looked over at the clock on the table. “I have to get back. It’s getting late,” I said as I pulled my hand out of hers and stood up. This hadn’t been the kind of talk I’d hoped we would have.
“You sound angry,” Raisa said. “Don’t be, please.”
“I’m not angry. It’s … it’s just…”
“It’s just you don’t like to be told what you should do.” She jumped up and hugged me. “I know you. I’ll stop, but think about what I said. And give everyone my love.”
We went out the back door, both of us acting as if we’d see each other soon. Raisa darted away, and I turned back to the grand duke’s house, trying to concentrate on the task at hand. I had to get back into the party without anyone noticing I’d been gone.
Chapter Two
I DECIDED THAT if anyone saw me coming back in to the ball, I could say I’d felt a little faint and needed some air. I hoped no one would question that, even though the temperature outside was well below zero, the kind of air that took your breath away rather than gave it back to you.
The two footmen by the front door were polite enough to act as if they didn’t notice I’d walked in shivering with cold and carrying a book I hadn’t had when I left. I went into the little sitting room off the hall that had been set aside as the women’s cloakroom and left my coat, my boots, and the book there and put my dance slippers back on. I’d be too noticeable if I wandered the party looking for my stepfather all bundled up.
Back out in the hall, the scent of the orchids was so strong it made my head ache. The grand duchess had gone overboard with the flowers, as if filling the house with a jungle of them could make the partygoers forget the bitter cold and the war raging not so far away. There were so many, she had to have ordered several heated railroad cars to bring bushels of them into the city from the southern greenhouses, taking up space that should have been used for food supplies.
I was about to go back to the ballroom when I heard the voice of the obnoxious captain I’d been forced to listen to earlier, so I darted behind a pillar wrapped in a garland of orchids. I listened as his voice moved away from me and toward the door, hopefully on his way out.
A little voice came from above me, startling me so much I bumped into the pillar, crushing several orchids and releasing yet more fragrance.
“Charlotte, why are you hiding?”
I looked up to see the grand duke’s youngest granddaughter, Anna Andreevna, wearing her nightdress and peering through the railings of the staircase.
“Are you playing a game?” the girl asked. “Can I play too?”
I put my finger to my lips. “I am playing a game, but it’s hard to hide in this dress. I’m waiting for a man to leave the party.”
“Why?” She was five, the same age as my little sisters, so I should have known she’d want a reason.
“I don’t like him very much.”
Anna stood up. “You don’t have a very good hiding place,” she said in a loud whisper. “I always hide under a bed. Do you want me to show you a good spot upstairs?”
I was actually tempted. A nice quiet spot under a bed would mean I could sleep for a few hours undisturbed before I had to meet Ivan coming in from the country with food supplies for the hospital. Probably not the best idea to take a nap, though. “No, but thank you anyway. Next time I bring the twins over, you can show me.”
I peeked around the pillar to see the captain going out the door.
“That’s not the man who was looking for you before,” Anna said.
“I don’t think there is anyone else who would be looking for me.”
“There was,” she insisted. “The man asked the footmen and said your name and described you. They said they hadn’t seen you. He had a mean face. I think you should hide from him, too.”
Bless the footmen. I didn’t know why they hadn’t given me away, but I was thankful they hadn’t. I had no idea why a different man would have been looking for me, and I couldn’t really think of anyone I’d danced with who had a face Anna would call mean. And none of the men had been that interested in me besides the captain, who would have talked to a pillar if it had been wearing a dress. Even if I had wanted a suitor, which I didn’t, I’d be unlikely to attract one. My red hair, freckles, and sturdy frame did not measure up to any standard of beauty in Russian society. And besides that, my mother’s reputation preceded me.