“Thank you. So, you called off your engagement to Clancy… what? A year ago?”
“About that, yeah.”
“Well, I moved into my apartment around the same time, right?”
“I know. I leased you the space.”
“You leased my parents the space. Let’s keep it real.” Sluggo’s dad has so much money that he makes me look like a pauper. “Anyway, when I first moved in, Clancy was coming around… what? Five or six times a week?”
“Okay.”
“And now she comes around like… what? Two or three times a week?”
“Give or take.”
“Well, if you guys don’t get your relationship back on track, eventually she’s gonna stop coming around altogether.”
“Yeah, Sluggo.” I sigh, put my hand on his shoulder. “That’s the way these things work.”
“Well, that can’t happen.”
“Sorry?”
“Look, cards on the table, okay?”
“Sure, you can stop being so coy now.”
“I need Clancy in my life, Dan.”
“So, what? You have a relationship with her. Pursue it any way you want.”
“Don’t you get it, Dan? I don’t want to pursue a new relationship with Clancy. I want what I’ve got right now. I want to be my best friend’s girlfriend’s best guy friend.”
“Sluggo,” I say haltingly, replaying his words in my head until they make sense, which they do. “Why?”
“Are you kidding me? Clancy and I can get as close as two people can be, but because of you she’s always forbidden fruit! Do you know how sexy that is? And her body, the way she dresses – that weird innocent, accidental thing she’s got going on? For real, every time she bends over or shifts her legs I’m worried that I’m gonna have an unassisted orgasm. It makes me feel so dirty when I look at her, man – like I’m some naughty thirteen-year-old kid again. I can’t find porn like this on the Internet. It doesn’t exist.”
“Okay, first, please don’t refer to yourself as a naughty thirteen-year-old kid. I’m not sure why, but that crosses a line for me.”
“Sure, sorry.”
“Second, are you sure there’s no porn like this on the Internet? I mean, have you looked?” Sluggo rolls his eyes. Of course, he’s looked.
“You can get anything on the Internet, dude. But it’s not the same as having an intense, real-life friendship with a Disney princess babe, where you can look at her parts, but will never have sex with her because she’s your best friend’s girl. What’s hotter than that? She’s ruined me for even the most random, esoteric porn. And don’t think I haven’t done my research.”
“Sluggo…” – how do I say this? – “you might be a very sick man.”
“We said no judgments.”
“We did not say no judgments. And you might want to talk to someone about this.”
“I’m talking to you.”
“I was thinking about someone with a little more training in the field of psychology. Actually, you could probably afford a whole team of psychologists, if you wanted to go down that path…”
“Stop it. I’d only need to talk to a shrink if I were ashamed of how I feel, which I’m obviously not, given that I’m talking to you about it, you being the main person who would have a problem with how I feel because you do have an intimate relationship with Clancy. An actual intimate relationship, I mean. Not the one-step-removed version like mine. Not that I would trade places with you. I like what I got just fine.”
“Yeah, Sluggo,” – this is so weird – “but I’m not with her anymore. And as much as I want to extend myself for you, I will not get back together with Clancy just to support your ‘one-step-removed’ non-physical, highly erotic relationship with her.”
How is it I’m the one who feels like a jerk right now?
“Look, I get it. I would never ask a best friend to be in a relationship with someone just so I could be my best friend’s girlfriend’s best guy friend and perv on her. That’s not the kind of person I am.”
“Noble.”
“Yeah. But, you know, obviously your life has imploded, right?”
“What? Not right. What’re you even talking about?”
“You’re in the middle of a crisis, dude. And I think, because you’re in it, you can’t recognize it as a crisis. But my point is, I don’t think you should let this crisis – temporary as I hope it will be – destroy your relationship with Clancy. And, by association, my relationship with Clancy.”
Am I the only one who recognizes the legitimacy of my break-up with Clancy?
“Exactly how am I in a crisis?”
“Dude, you don’t live in our world anymore.”
“I’m right here.”
“Really? Because if I walk across the street and try to Facetime you, I can’t. If I want to catch up on what you’re up to on Instagram, I can’t. If I want to friend you, if I want to add you to my network on LinkedIn, if I want to send you a freaking e-mail, if I want to call your damn cell phone – I can’t!!!”
“I’ve got a land line.”
“You know, you’re probably the only person in Jersey City who still has a land line. Wake up, man. Forget about the conveniences of modern technology. You have to understand that we are social animals. And when the ways we communicate evolve, we need to evolve with them. Otherwise you spin out of orbit. Which is fine… your choice, right? Except you’re not only hurting yourself. You’re taking me down with you, and my one-step-removed relationship with Clancy, too. What kind of friend would do something like that?”