Prologue
One day there will be that one person who comes out of nowhere when you least expect it and shakes up your entire world. Within an instant, you know who they are; they are the one that was made for you. No words need to be spoken because you can feel it within the depths of your soul, within every fiber of your being. Your eyes meet and a fire instantly ignites inside you, fiercer than you have ever known. It’s a connection that you’ll only feel once and with whom is beyond your control.
The undeniable force will take over everything and it will either build a love stronger than titanium or one that is more fragile than crystal, leaving you shattered in the end.
And here I am, nothing but a mess of broken shards of glass scattered across the floor.
He was the last thing and everything that I ever needed. Like an uncontrollable whirlwind, he tore through every aspect of my life, stripping me bare of everything I ever had. And for some sick, fucked-up reason—through the ups and the downs—I loved every minute of it.
Every fucking minute, except for one.
The very last minute that finally took him from me.
1
HADLEY
Moving to the side, I step away from the car, giving my dad space to slide the last box into my trunk. My thick hair sticks to the back of my neck from the dry Arizona heat. As I bend forward, my dark brown locks almost touch the ground as I collect it within my hands and pull it into a ponytail. Standing back upright, I smooth the top of my head and tighten the hair tie. I find my dad watching me with wet eyes, standing still with his hands at his sides. I cock my head to the side and give him a small smile. His chin quivers when he tries to smile back and roughly runs a frustrated hand over his buzzed hair.
It was the end of August, which meant it was time to move into my dorm. I am going to nursing school at Arizona State University, but it’s the first time I’ll be away from home and everything that I’m familiar with. He opens the front door of my Nissan Maxima as I climb inside and start the ignition. I put down the window as he slowly pushes the door closed and bends down.
“Your mom would be so proud, Hadley,” my dad says, smiling, his eyes grow glossy. It’s been two years since we lost her and life hadn’t been the same since then. He clears his throat and smacks his hand on the car a few times as he stands up. “I’m sorry I have to work and can’t be there to help you move in. Let me know you got there safe, okay?”
A look of deep-seated guilt washes over his face and hits me hard in the chest. He tried so hard to get today off so he could properly see me off to school and help me get situated there. After we lost Mom, our lives changed forever. He has had to work overtime just to make ends meet for us. Because of him always being gone, we grew apart. His little girl grew up and he wasn’t even around to see. I had wanted him to be more present and to be with me today, but I’m not surprised that he can’t make the time.
“Hey.” My dad’s face comes back into focus and the guilt has been replaced with worry. “Are you okay?”
“Yes, of course,” I tell him, trying to conceal the strain in my voice as I put the car in reverse. He looks at me quizzically. “I promise to let you know as soon as I’m there. Love you, Dad,” I say out the window as he backs away and the car slowly creeps toward the street.
“Drive safe, Hadley.” He waves. “Love you too!”
After reaching the road, I put the car in drive and start to drive away from the house. He keeps waving as he walks over to his cop car, getting ready to start his shift. I divert my eyes between the rearview mirror and the road until I can’t see my dad or our house anymore.
This is real now.
I am officially on my own and on my way to college.
Holy shit.
I lean over the center console, feeling around for my purse. I find it and blindly dig around inside until I hear a familiar rattling sound. I pull out the bottle of pills and instantly feel a sense of relief, knowing how I’m going to feel after I pop some. As I pull up to the next red light, I twist off the lid of the bottle, revealing the blue football-shaped, chalky pieces of heaven. I shake a few into my hand and slam them back with a bottle of water, letting the bitter taste fill my mouth and throat. Most people hate it. I love it. It’s like the taste is a precursor for what’s to come when the pills start to kick in. And for this drive and move, I need them to kick the fuck in.
I turn up the volume in my car and let Biggie’s voice pour from the speakers. I tap along to the beat and rap like I just signed a record deal and feel the Xanax slowly creep into my bloodstream. A subtle warmth spreads throughout my body as my muscles relax in a single wave. My mind grows hazy and my lips curl upward in a lazy grin.
Reaching into my center console, I pull out a pack of Newports and light one up. I don’t smoke often, but I keep a pack for when I need a little pick-me-up. There may or may not be a gangster version of me in a parallel universe; the jury’s still out on that one. The smoke fills my lungs and the nicotine intertwines with the benzo floating in my veins and all is right in this universe.
I’m on my own and on my way to college.
And this shit is gonna be cake.
2
HADLEY
It doesn’t happen very often, but sometimes I truly amaze myself. I’m not fucked up right now, but I’m definitely feeling pretty good. I couldn’t tell you how I got here, but here I am, alive and well with all limbs intact. There’s that song by that one chick from American Idol about Jesus taking the wheel. I let Biggie take the wheel, who’s pretty much hood Jesus, so I concur that her theory is pretty solid.
I pull into the crowded parking lot at ASU bumping “The Ten Crack Commandments” hard, not giving a damn. I get some pretty strange looks, but hey, I got no shame in my game. With all the commotion going on, any attention directed my way is gone by the time I shut off my car. I straighten my shirt and readjust my shorts as I climb out of the car. Deciding against getting all my stuff, I grab my purse and one box and duffel bag from my trunk. I didn’t bring much with me, but it will be easier to carry in later tonight.
Somehow, I successfully navigate my way through the crowds of students and through the stairwells and hallways. I’m going to have to figure out later how the hell to get in and out of here. Behind the door in front of me is the room I’ll be spending the next year in, with someone I’ve never met before. I know her name, Abigail Turner, but that’s about it and that gives me little to go off of. For all I know she could be a super nerd with a chastity belt, not that I’m judging or anything.
I readjust my belongings, take a deep breath and let myself into the room, praying my roommate’s not a bitch. I push open the door and spin to kick it shut.
“Do you not know how to knock?”
Jackpot. She’s a gem.
Just kidding; she’s a vile creature.
I turn around toward the harsh voice and find myself staring at the back of my roommate’s head. Her blue-tinged black hair is in a sleek, straight bob. Her clothes are as dark as her hair and when she spins around her makeup follows suit. “Please tell me you’re not a fucking mute or something?” She stares at me. “Goddammit, you’re deaf,” she says in disbelief.