Because that’s what they would do—what they had to do. The alternative was unthinkable.
Sharmaine looked around and then with a little shrug admitted, “I don’t know how to get back to our rooms.”
“I can show you.”
There was certainly no shortage of rooms in the citadel, but only some were in good condition. There had been no reason for Sami or Mother to maintain the others, with only the four of us trapped there. Mother had stayed in the room where she’d lived with Adelric before he’d been taken from us, even though it was in the wing on the other side of the kitchen, far away from where Inara, Sami, and I all lived—which only now struck me, how she’d secretly clung to the memory of him, even while professing to abhor him. Though the other rooms in the wing where the rest of us dwelt hadn’t been lived in, they were still more habitable than the one poor Halvor had been forced to sleep in. The Paladin and Halvor were all staying in the same wing as us now, just down from my room, past Inara’s.
Sharmaine followed behind me as we climbed the stairs and walked down the hallway, past my room, past Inara’s, and the next and the next, until we reached the one where I knew Sami had aired out a bed for Sharmaine—next to the room Loukas was in. Raidyn was on the other side, one closer to mine.
“I think this one is yours.” I gestured and she finally let the light above her hand die as she turned the knob and glanced in to find a fire burning in the hearth, her bed turned down, ready for her. The sheets were shabby and worn, but clean. I didn’t hear any telltale scurrying of rodents, so I could only hope the room was free of unwelcome inhabitants. “It’s the best we could do…”
“It looks warm and cozy,” she assured me, “and I’m so tired, it could be a bed of stones for all I’d care and I’d still sleep for two days if I were able to.”
I couldn’t help smiling, even though the panic that had been somewhat subdued by the distraction of going to the stables with her was already rising, knowing she was about to close her door, to go to sleep, seemingly untroubled by the events of the day, leaving me to retreat to my room—alone with my memories and trembling hands. “Sleep well, then,” I managed.
“You too, Zuhra.” A flash of something—concern or sympathy—crossed her face, but I turned away before she could say anything further, not wanting to keep her from much-needed rest. I felt the shutting of the door behind me like an echo through my bones.
I paused in between the rooms where Loukas and Raidyn were staying, straining for any hint of sound—wondering if Raidyn had finished healing him and gone to bed, or if they were still together, perhaps talking of the day’s events. But there were no discernible noises.
A throaty growl of thunder shuddered through the citadel. With a shiver, I forced myself forward. But rather than going to my room, I decided to go to Inara’s. We’d barely had a moment alone together yet, and she was alive and completely lucid, and there was no way I was going to be able to sleep anyway.
I hurried to her door—but paused before reaching for the handle.
What if she were asleep already?
She desperately needed rest, to let her body heal. As much as I wanted to speak to my sister, I refused to be selfish enough to wake her. I was leaning forward to press my ear to her door when a click down the hall startled me. Straightening as if caught doing something wrong—though I didn’t even know why—I spun, expecting to see Sharmaine coming after me. My heart skipped up to my throat when, instead of her red hair and smile, I found myself facing blue-fire eyes that glowed in the darkness and thick blond hair that looked as though a hand had been running through it continually as Raidyn stalked toward me.
I stood still, unable to move even if I’d wanted to.
“Zuhra.” Raidyn uttered my name in a low whisper, as he halted close enough that I had to tilt my head slightly to meet his gaze. “I hoped to have a word with you before you retired for the night.”
“Why?” I whispered back, the darkness swelling to envelope us like a cloak. Another angry clap of thunder crashed through the hallway, startling me. Raidyn lifted his hands—to steady me, perhaps—then paused, mere inches between his fingers and my arms. Likely it had only been instinct and he’d caught himself at the very last second. I wrapped my arms around my waist as he slowly lowered his hands once more.
“Why?” I asked again, a little louder this time.
He flinched. “I don’t want to overstep my place, but I…” He paused briefly. When I didn’t speak, he barreled on, “I’m worried about you. What you’ve been through—what you’ve seen—”
“I’m fine,” I cut in, though I wasn’t fine and he obviously knew all too well just how not fine I was, thanks to the sanaulus.
“Zuhra, the hardest part of any battle—of any loss, especially someone close to you—is not the heat of the moment. It’s the quiet minutes afterward, when you’re alone with your thoughts and the images that have been seared into your mind, when—”
“Stop,” I cried out, heedless of who I might wake. “Please, just—stop.” The vise of panic constricted, tightening around my heart, so I couldn’t speak another word, my breathing shallow.
“I know what it’s like. I know how hard it is.” Raidyn was still quiet, and this time when he lifted his hand, he didn’t stop, brushing the back of his fingers against my cold cheek. He took a step closer, swiping my hair behind my ear, and cupped my jaw, staring into my eyes, the warmth of his touch chasing away the chill.
“Can you make it go away?” My voice quavered. “Can you heal me?”
Raidyn shook his head silently, his gaze mournful. “This is not something I can heal.”
The images began to cycle through my mind again, unbidden but unable to be suppressed. I trembled under the onslaught of death and carnage and pain. Inara lying on the ground with her neck ripped open, Barloc crouched over her … Grandfather staring sightlessly into the unfeeling sky, a hole torn through his body that no amount of Paladin magic could repair … that endless, terrifying blackness inside of Inara that Raidyn and I had barely managed to pull my sister out of …
“Look at me, Zuhra.” Raidyn’s voice sounded too far away, too quiet, over the roaring of my blood and the flood of terror that turned my legs weak and my arms inexplicably numb. My eyes burned and I gasped for air. “Look at me. Into my eyes.” The hand that cupped my face tilted my chin up, his fingers firm against my skull and jaw. He laced his other hand with mine, lifting it up to press against his chest. “Feel this. Feel my heartbeat—and my hand on yours. Breathe with me. In and out … yes, there you go, just a little slower … in … and out … Look at me, Zuhra. Look right here and just breathe. You’re all right. I promise, you are safe.”
I succumbed to his gentle commands, staring up into his eyes, forcing myself to focus on the feel of his hand over mine, of the steady rise and fall of his chest beneath my fingers. I matched my breathing to his and slowly, slowly, the rush of blood in my veins calmed and my breathing slowed and my trembling stopped. I hadn’t even realized I’d been crying until he brushed his thumb beneath my eye, to wipe away the tears that were still wet on my skin.