CHAPTER 1
KATE
My head pounds as I pull off the interstate to get food and gas. The past is nothing but a black wave threatening to crash down on me every minute, and holding it back has been the ultimate challenge; a mental exercise in constantly strengthening the cage to contain the memories hovering on the edge. Singing at the top of my lungs to almost every song on the radio, playing the license plate and alphabet game, and using my therapy techniques have all kept the cage and my emotions intact, but it’s been an exhausting battle. It’s no wonder my head is pounding.
Every year on these same two days, I usually hide in my bed, avoiding the present and giving in to the past. As if the memories could only be played in sequential order, my mind would start at the beginning, then race to each subsequent event as I try to understand how my perfect life turned into a nightmare.
Ultimately, guilt - that truly insidious bully - would take over and slowly beat me down. He’d fill my thoughts with black despair and sleep with nightmares until I couldn’t take it anymore. At that point, my usual escape was to drink until I was so oblivious, I could no longer hear his accusing words. Once I was drunk, it made the second day so much easier. I just stayed drunk.
In the end, Collin is still dead. My friends and colleagues, dead or they abandoned me. The stark awareness of these truths would help sober me up, and on the third day I’d shove everything back into its cage, slam the door shut, and for another year life would resume as normal. I’d become the calm, controlled woman and doctor who usually faced the world.
Not this year. This year, I had to drive on this annual two-day anniversary to get to my new assignment. The first travel doctor had screwed up royally, and my agency promised our clients they’d have another doctor on site in two days. So, here I am, driving today and tomorrow, the same two fucking days I dread every year.
After filling up with gas and grabbing some snacks, I pop a pill for my head and get back on the road. Tonight’s stop isn’t too far now.
Twenty minutes later, I sigh in relief. Welcome to Montana states the picturesque sign as I pass over the state line from Wyoming. Thankfully, that means I’m now about an hour and a half from my stopping point for the night. It’s been a long day of driving from Denver. While areas of the drive had been scenic with mountains and wildlife, the last hour was monotonous, with flat roads that seemingly went on forever. Unfortunately, monotony wasn’t my friend in the battle I waged today.
Finally, I pull into the parking lot of the hotel where I’m staying for the night. I turn off my vehicle, take a deep breath, and peel my hands off the steering wheel. Sitting there for a second, I’m relieved to have made it this far, and while the battle isn’t over, I feel some sense of victory over the past. Flexing my hands to get the circulation going again, I pick up my phone and quickly text my mom.
Stopping for the night in Billings. Will call later. Love you.
Getting out of the SUV, I stretch with relief and grab my coat and overnight bag and walk towards the lobby. It’s your average hotel, with basic amenities and a small restaurant attached. I’m relieved to know I can get a much-needed drink and dinner without getting back on the road.
When I get to the lobby, I check in and get to my room. It’s your usual one-bedroom hotel room, nothing fancy, but it’ll do.
Setting the bag on the luggage rack, I use the restroom and freshen up. Brushing the tangles out of my hair, I pull it back into a ponytail for now. I then reach into my bag for my toothbrush. Something about brushing my teeth always makes me feel refreshed. As I brush, I stare at my reflection in the mirror. So much has changed in the last three years. My cool blonde, slightly wavy hair is much longer than the short, sleek bob I used to have when I worked at the hospital. My face, previously soft and glowing with youth and hope, reflects both the passage of time and my ongoing battles with the past. Now it’s thinner, leaner, and harder. Today reflects heavily in my green eyes, which are filled with shadows, while dark circles sit underneath them.
Hearing my phone ping with a message, I banish my thoughts and finish brushing my teeth. Spraying on a bit of body spray, I’m ready to get a drink and dinner.
I grab my phone and read my mom’s text.
Be safe. I love you and remember, I’m here if you need anything tonight. Any time.
I smiled. She worries so much, but I’m so grateful. My mom has been such a rock in my life. While my dad’s always been absent, my mom more than made up for it, encouraging me to go for my dreams and never give up. In my younger years, I used her support like a laser to sharpen my focus and achieve my perfect life. Perfect grades to get accepted by my chosen universities, the perfect job at my chosen hospital, and, of course, my perfect husband. And when it all came crashing down and I was floundering, her support became the steel I used to reconstruct my life. Now she worries I’m too closed off and all my control will shatter one day. I shake my head. While I’m not happy in my life, I am living and moving forward the only way I know how.
I shake off my thoughts, pick up my tablet, and walk out the door.
As I enter the restaurant, I look around for the bar. I’d found it to be the best place for dining alone. I could have a conversation with other people, including the bartender, or keep to myself. The place is almost empty, with only a couple of people scattered here and there. The bar itself is simple, with green vinyl bar stools and a plain pine wood bar top.
The bartender, an older gentleman with grey hairs, stands behind the bar as I sit down.
“Hi, I’m Bob. What can I get you, Miss?” he inquires.
“Do you have a menu?”
“Sure, here you go. Just let me know when you’re ready to order,” Bob tells me as he places the menu and a cocktail napkin on the bar. He walks away to tend to another customer.
The menu, like the hotel and bar, is basic. I’m starving after having left early and driven all day. So, a banana and a few chicken nuggets aren’t enough to keep me going. Seeing the burger on the menu, I figured it was a pretty safe option.
“I’m ready,” I call out to Bob.
“Great, what would you like to order?”
“I’ll take the burger, medium, with ketchup, mayo, pickle and onion only. With fries. And what do you have on tap?”
He names the beers on tap, and I pick an Irish lager.
“That’s quite a selection,” I motion to the taps.
“Yep.” He grins. “During the week, we get quite a few guys from the ranches who come into town for a bit of fun, and the beer selection really draws them back. Let me go put in your order and get your beer.”
As he walks away, I check my email, read the news, and glance at my social feeds. Most of my email contains offers from sales at my favorite stores or announcements on upcoming book releases from a couple authors I follow. One email catches my eye. It’s from someone named “Lev,” with the subject “Tomorrow’s meeting.”
Dr. Michaels,
Thank you for jumping in so quickly to replace Dr. Foster. I’ll meet you at the practice at noon tomorrow to conduct a walk-through, introduce you to the staff and give you the keys. If anything comes up, please call me. Cell: 555-133-4712.