ooooooooo
I spent most of the afternoon and all of that night in the NICU. Ava was still doing well, but I missed being with her. I was going to be discharged the next day, but Ava had to stay. She’d be here for at least four more weeks. She had to gain weight, and start eating before she could leave.
“You wanna hold her?” Maggie smiled as she opened the door on the side of the incubator.
“Can I?” I was hopeful. I’d been bonding with my daughter solely on touches and talking.
“She’s been breathing on her own; you just need to be careful with supporting her head. Skin to skin contact helps preemies.” I watched as Maggie lifted Ava from the incubator. She turned in my direction, and I sat in a nearby rocker. I tugged my gown out the way, and Maggie placed Ava against my chest. “Just support her head,” she whispered as she removed her hands.
I leaned back in the rocker as my tiny daughter stayed cuddled against my chest. She was so little, barely the size of a small doll. The breathing tube had been replaced by a smaller oxygen tube. She still had some wires monitoring her heart rate and other bodily functions, but for the most part we were almost normal. She’d gained a few ounces over the last week, and I was hopeful she’d be moved out of the NICU in the next week.
“We’ve been offering her bottles, but she gets too tired to suck. I don’t think it’ll be long though.” Maggie wrote some things down on Ava’s chart and then started to walk away. “Let me know when you’re ready to put her back, and I’ll come help you.”
“Thanks.” I gently caressed Ava’s head. “It’ll be a while I’m sure.” I’d hold my daughter all the time if I could. The fear of falling asleep and dropping her was ever present though.
ooooooooo
It’s been two days, and I’m sitting on the edge of my bed holding on to a stack of discharge papers. Dr. Blake cleared me to leave this morning, and Dr. McGee cleared me last night. I’ve been down to tell Ava that I’ll see her tomorrow, and now I’m waiting for the orderly to come wheel me downstairs. Dr. Blake offered to have a cab called for me and it should be here in the next few minutes.
“Ready to go.” A young man stopped in the doorway with a wheelchair.
“I guess.” I wasn’t real keen on leaving. Leaving meant I had to deal with Warren. I wouldn’t have the hospital staff intervening for me anymore, and it also meant that Ava and I wouldn’t be so close to each other. Leaving also meant that I could start to move on, which was a good thing. I needed to break free and do what I wanted. I needed to start my life over, and not have to worry about Warren during every step I took.
I lowered myself into the wheelchair, and let the orderly push me down to the front doors to leave. A yellow cab was waiting when we got there. “Thanks.” I stood, and grabbed the small bag containing the few items I had at the hospital. I climbed into the cab, clutching the paper that Cal had given me. It was my destination until I could figure things out. A safe place, a place to make a plan for Ava’s and my future.
“Good luck.” The orderly waved as I closed the cab’s door and pulled away from the curb.
Things looked different this time as I rode through the city. The fall colors seemed brighter, the sky bluer, the air felt crisper. It was as if I was seeing and feeling everything for the first time. That weight that I always carried around was gone, and even though I was scared of what was to come, I knew it had to be better than what I was leaving behind.
ooooooooo
The cab stopped in front of a gray stone house not far from where I lived with Warren. It looked like any other house on the block. Mums were growing in pots that lined the stairs leading to the front porch, a wreath made of fall leaves hung on the door, and the lawn was neatly mowed.
“This is it, ma’am.” The cabbie glanced back at me. “Fare was already paid by a doctor.”
“Oh, ok,” I stuttered as I opened the door. While I was climbing out, a young woman came out onto the porch. She smiled and waved at me. “Thanks.” I closed the door, and the cab left.
“Hi. I’m Amy.” She jogged down the steps. “You must be Brooke.”
“Yes.” I slowly climbed the steps. I still ached slightly and movement hurt.
“Donna said you’d be coming today. Let me help you.” She wrapped her arm around my back and helped me up the steps. “We’re all happy you’re here, and anything you need, just ask.”
“We?” I glanced around. I didn’t see a bunch of people.
“Most of us work during the day. I had the day off. Donna usually gets here in the evening unless she has the night shift. You know Donna. She said she was your nurse.” Amy opened the door and stepped back to let me in.
“Donna lives here?” I was confused.
“Yeah. She runs this place. She works at the hospital to make money to keep it running. We get donations, but it’s not always enough, ya know?” She shrugged. “I’ll show you your room if you follow me.” She waved and started walking down a long hallway. “This is you. Donna put a crib in here for when your baby comes.”
I stepped through the door and looked around. It was simple. A twin bed on one wall, a small dresser, and a chair in the corner.
“I know it’s not much, but you can always add things. You’re fortunate Margaret just moved out last week, otherwise we wouldn’t have had space.” Amy chattered on. “If your husband shows up here, lock the door and call the police. There’s a phone in every room. In order to comply with the order of protection, he can’t be on our property if you are.”
“I don’t think Warren will care. He didn’t want the baby,” I mumbled.
“Maybe not, but you’d be surprised what some of these men do when they see they can’t control you. Most of them don’t care, they just want the control. When you take that away, they turn even worse. Does your husband own a gun?” Amy’s eyes looked fearful.
“I don’t know. He kept me in the dark about a lot of things. He liked keeping me on edge.” I sighed.
“That’s the control. Just make sure you call the police if he shows up.” Her face was stern.
“Won’t someone be here?” I stammered.
“Maybe. It depends on everyone’s schedule. We all have jobs. We all work different hours, but sometimes you might be here alone. Donna will help you find a job, so you’ll need to come up with a plan for that too. You need to plan out what you’re going to do if you see him public.”
“I didn’t think of that,” I muttered as I stared at my feet. This seemed like so much work.
“I know it’s overwhelming, but you’ll see. This is the first step to independence. In a month, you won’t even remember this version of yourself.” Amy smiled as she backed out of the room. “I’ll let you have some time to yourself. Dinner is at six, if you want to eat with us. If you don’t, there’s always leftovers in the fridge. Just heat up what you want.” She turned to head down the hallway, leaving me there in the room.
“Oh, Brooke,” she stuck her head back around the doorway, “welcome home. I’m glad you’re here.” She smiled and then disappeared again.