“Congrats,” I said, looking at each girl, seeing the contentment there and envying them for it. “But you know I—”
“Don’t,” Jaz said, seriously for once. “Don’t say that anymore. I know what your crazy nan said, and you know me, I don’t talk ill of elders, but her way’s not your way. You belong here, just like us. Whatever she thought was coming for you, it won’t get past the pack. Not for a second. Now, humour that stupid brother of mine. He’s trying, Shan.”
And right as the words faded away, the man himself came back to stand before me, taking a seat on the ground in front of us, the other guys doing the same. My eyes widened. Usually, pack always had their heads higher than non-shifters, only bowing them to senior members. When I glanced at the girls, I saw their faces were transformed, a curious peace settling over them as they accepted the plates from their prospective mates. Their movements, their hands, had a ritualistic quality to them, and I felt a stab of shock when each woman took their forks and took a mouthful from the plate.
Pack determined who ate first, usually the kids, because everything was about future generations, but…
“It’s OK, Shan,” Jai said, my eyes flicking back. He grabbed my hand and placed his spare plate in mine, putting the fork in the other. He nodded to the huge mountain of food, watching me with those eyes. My hand wrapped around the fork tightly, feeling the growing pressure to do something, anything. But I remembered the slap of my grandmother’s hand down on mine when I was a kid, invited over for dinner one night, all ready to hoe into the yummy smelling food before I was given permission.
“Just eat something,” he said finally, dropping his eyes and doing the same with his food, like I wasn’t quietly having a breakdown.
“It’s OK,” Jaz hissed, giving me the side eye. “Just calm down and have a meal. He’s not gonna set up shack in your house tomorrow.”
Right, right…Beth’s food, plentiful, lovely, and warming, focus on that. Jai’s eyes flicked my way as I speared a chunk of potato salad and put it in my mouth, only partially stifling the groan of pleasure when I did. She always added these seemingly weird ingredients like walnuts, green onions, sun dried tomatoes and parmesan cheese to it, and it was amazing. He snorted at that, no doubt catching every sound with that hearing of his, and kept on eating.
As we all ate, I thought I’d earned a reprieve, lulled by the incredible tastes of Beth’s food. Eddie had been right, nothing beat her cooking, not even pizza. But as plates were put down and forks laid across them, the men reached out for the girls, and bloody Jaz and Rita took them, leaving me sitting on the log alone. I put the plate to one side, finally giving up as my stomach felt stretched tight as a drum, and Jai shifted in a fluid movement to sit beside me, my body instantly tensing.
Something that only ratcheted higher when his leg came to rest against mine. I felt and heard everything—the crack of his beer can as he opened it, the sound of him swallowing, the shift of his body as he put his hand behind my back, resting it on the log. Then came the swell of his scent, spicy, woody male mixing with the fragrant smoke from the burning eucalyptus logs. I found I was breathing noisily through my mouth in an attempt to stop it from flooding my senses.
“Shan, it's OK.”
His voice was light, calm, gentle, but it contained that thread of iron that had all non-pack nodding along. I felt it more than most, but still, my spine loosened, my breath lengthened, and the tension leached out of me slowly at his say so. I let out a long ragged sigh, appreciating the benefit, even if it was forced on me.
“You always smell so good…” came his dark, disembodied voice. “Part prey, ready to skitter away before me, for me to hunt down, part…”
My teeth ground down at that. I’d spent most of my school years around boys like Jai, who took incomprehensible glee in startling me. His people and mine were two sides of the same coin. We could control them in animal form, and they us in human form with that shifter alpha whip. The boys had played at this sometimes, young cubs finding their power and flexing a bit, freezing us girls on the spot, only to let us go moments later.
“You wouldn’t like that?”
My eyes flicked up, meeting his, and damn the consequences. I didn’t come by here often unless called, finding the strictures of the pack hard to cope with. My nan and the alphas had a pact that I would always honour, but I was apart from this, them.
“Look, Jai…”
“And she’s going to shoot me down.” He snorted at that, then rubbed at his face. But he recovered quickly, eyes dropping down slow to rest on my lips. “Tell me you don’t want it. I know what she told you, that you can’t say no, but you can. To this.” He caught my gasp when his eyes met mine again. They burned now, catching some of the firelight in those bronzed depths. “Tell me to piss off, that there’s no hope here.” The steel was back in his voice, demanding a response from me.
“How about you talk to me about whatever the hell this is?” I hissed, my hand going to my lips as soon as I realised how I’d spoken to him. But he smiled, slow and easy, like somehow, I’d pleased him by breaking the rules. “We haven’t talked beyond simple pleasantries since…”
He nodded encouragingly, like he needed me to be the one to put it into words. But how could I? It was a memory I brought out sometimes, like you would an old worn photo of a loved one, holding it close when times were tough, even if it made your heart ache with the sweetest of pains.
We’d been kids back then, just finished school, and I’d come around for a big party the pack had put on, celebrating the end of childhood and our move towards becoming adults. His eyes had found mine across the fire all night. They’d glowed like they did now, with that reflected heat. Jasmine and Rita hadn’t noticed, too caught up in their own crazy antics, and I was always quiet, so they didn’t really notice that my attention had been redirected. I watched him and he watched me, until finally, I’d been forced to step away from the fire.
He’d been waiting for me in the hallway, emerging out of the darkness of the bedroom door when I walked out, stepping into my path. I’d looked up, on the surface wondering what was going on, but we both knew. His hands cupped my face in the following movement, his lips crashing down on mine with the next, then his tongue was sliding inside when I gasped, thrusting the taste of beer, BBQ, and him in.
It had felt strange, to run my hands up his bare arms, to tangle my fingers in hair I’d longed to touch for so long. He’d caught my little sob, of terror, excitement, and need, all rolled up in one, and pulled back so that his forehead pressed against mine.
“It’s OK, Shan. It’ll all be OK now.”
He’d taken my hand and led me out the backdoor, past the fire and our friends, farther out towards the trees. I felt the cool night air and darkness on my skin, which was soon replaced by him and his hands when he brought me to a blanket he’d stashed out there. We’d dropped down onto it, our lips connecting on automatic, unable to spend too long without the others’ upon them.
“I’ve been wanting to do this for so long,” he’d said, mumbling the words against my collarbone as he kissed his way along it, stopping with a question in his eyes when his fingers slid under the spaghetti strap of my top.