All of it feels like minutes, long dragged out miserable minutes. Like he has all the time in the world to decide what to do. That’s not the reality of it, only his mind’s interpretation of that horrendous event. A few blinks of the eye and the disaster is upon him.
His arms come up, a hopeless attempt to shield himself, protect his face. The weight of the water hits him, the cold harsh force striking him, and he jumps awake.
He bolted; body pulled upward to sitting. There he was, once again, sitting in a pool of sweat, next to his terrified wife.
“The dream again?” She always knew. He didn’t need to say. He couldn’t answer anyway; his voice was stuck in his throat. He nodded instead.
“Let me get you some water, honey,” she murmured.
Sliding into her slippers, she took off for the kitchen. She returned, her feet a soft, quick shuffle across the bedroom’s hardwood floor. She handed the glass of water to Ray and sat beside him with a towel, wiping sweat from his brow.
“That’s the second time this week, Ray.” Her voice was laced with worry.
He nodded again, eyes unblinking, as he tipped the glass back and drained it dry in two long gulps. Thunder ripped through the silence, causing Ray to shudder.
Elena smoothed her hand over his back trying to soothe him; but they both knew, when the dreams came, there was nothing he found soothing. His mind still gripped the trauma of the dream, as his body tried to adjust to being awake.
Yet Elena sat very still, very patiently, rubbing his back in calm, soft strokes, likely more to ease herself than him. He faced her, and her lips pursed. His voice came out, crackled, “I’m here.”
She didn’t miss a beat. “I’m right here with you, honey.”
“I’m sorry,” he whispered.
She cooed, “Don’t apologize, it’s not your fault. Shh.”
Ray put his hands over his eyes, and dragged them down over his face deliberately, causing his entire countenance to pull downward. He breathed in and let out a ragged sigh. Raised his hands up to his head, running them forcefully through his sweat soaked hair. Ashamed, he forced himself to look at his wife.
She put her hands over his. Took his shaking hands out of his hair and set them in hers upon her lap. She stroked them over and over, saying, “It’s okay, honey. It was just a dream. Just a dream. You’re here now. You’re with me. You’re safe. We’re safe. Say the words with me, come on, Raymond.”
They spoke the words together, like a mantra, the words so well-rehearsed flowed out of both in unison, “It was just a dream. I’m here. I’m safe. It was just a dream.”
2
A t 6:00 a.m. the alarm went off with a torturous blast, shattering the last few minutes of restless sleep this morning allowed. Ray pulled the pillow over his head and smushed it against his ears, trying to drown out the sound of the man’s voice on the radio:
--- another day of storms ahead. Yesterday’s deluge left parts of the normally sunny Northern California coast in miserable conditions for the evening drive home. Expect similar conditions today, as this massive storm system shows no sign of slowing---
When Ray failed to smother the sound, he reached his hand out and missed on the first attempt, his arm flailing wildly. Letting out a groan, he swung again, this time connecting with the ill-fated alarm clock. Not only did he hit the button, but sent the clock flying off the nightstand. Mildly satisfied with the result, Ray turned back over and tried to go back to sleep. This time, the interruption was much gentler.
"Un-cle Ra-ay," a small voice sing-song whispered in his ear. "Uncle Un-cle Ra-ay. Time to get u-up. Break-fast. We got eggies and bacon and me-lons."
Ray reluctantly turned toward the voice in his ear, squeezing his eyes shut tight before prying them open to face the day and his niece Amelia. Her face beamed with joy, and that was all Ray needed.
"I'm up, little one. I'm up. I'll meet you there is a sec."
Satisfied, Amelia jumped off the bed and raced out of the room.
Ray sat up and ran his hands through his hair. Shook the covers off and stepped out of bed clumsily, his foot a tangle in the sheets. He plodded across the hardwood floor to the bathroom and right to the sink. Brushing his teeth, he looked up to assess the evidence of last night's lack of sleep in the mirror. Another night, another dream. He mouthed the words so softly to himself in the mirror, “Okay, let's do this day thing. Ravynn is gone.”
Faintly, a whisper stole into the room, the words indiscernible, so soft he couldn't be sure he heard them at all. “Must have been the rain,” he told himself.
Shutting the water off, he glanced over his shoulder. Someone was standing beside him; or so he thought. The air trickled across his skin, inviting the gooseflesh. Finding no one there, he headed down the hall to his two very real ladies waiting in the kitchen.
"Good morning," Elena said. Her eyes were full of concern, as if holding so many questions.
Wearing a stoic smile, he walked over and placed a soft kiss on her cheek. Knowing at least one of the questions in her eyes, he said, “I’m good. Just need some coffee.”
Elena grinned, and Ray was relieved she let it go with that.
“Extra shot of espresso in yours this morning?”
He nodded. “You know me too well.”
"Auntie E said that I don't have school today but you both do. That's not fair," Amelia crossed her arms and pouted.
Ray laughed, but it quickly faded when he realized how serious his niece was. "Well, you are finished for the year. Preschool is a little different than middle school. Auntie Elena and I still have a few days left. But you get to go spend the whole day with Auntie Becky and your cousin Carrie. That's probably better."
Elena chimed in, "I hear Auntie Becky is taking you to the museum today."
"The one with the dinosaurs?"
"Yes, that one exactly." Elena said.
Amelia shrugged, slowly giving in. "I guess, if I can't go to school, the museum is ok."
"Good, I am glad it's ok," Ray teased. "How about finishing that yummy breakfast that you woke me up for?"
"Uh, ok Uncle Ray. I like the green melons the best."
"I gotta finish getting ready for work. You two enjoy the rest of your breakfast. Time to put my face on," Elena said, snickering.
"You're silly, Auntie E. Your face is on," Amelia replied through a burst of giggles. This little joke got her every time. A happy little girl, especially considering all that she'd been through. Ray wished he could say the same for himself.
The first few months after Ravynn died were the worst. Amelia cried every night. The sound of it broke their hearts, especially Ray’s already fragile one. Elena had been a saint in those months. Ray wasn’t sure how she pulled it off. Scuttling back and forth between their bedroom and Amelia’s, consoling both Ray and the little girl. But that was ages ago. Elena eventually worked Amelia into a nice bedtime habit and things were much better for her. Too bad Ray couldn’t conquer his nighttime fears.
"When you are all done with school, will you take me to the park? And to the store? And maybe the zoo? And oh, oh how about the beach? I love the beach!" Amelia played with her breakfast, making a piece of bacon dance on her plate.