Why can’t I be the daughter they want me to be?
Why do I have this need inside me to be different?
No one sees the true me when I’m dressed as a domesticated and dutiful daughter.
It’s a disguise I’ve worn all my life.
I shake my hair out of the long ponytail I’m wearing and stare at it for the final time.
For too long, I’ve been someone I don’t recognize.
But not anymore.
Grasping my hair in my hand, I begin to cut it short. The long black strands fall onto the floor, and I can’t take my eyes off my reflection as I shape my hair into a shoulder-length bob. It’s the fashion for some of the men to have their hair this length and pull it up into a bun—I do the same and step back from the mirror to get a better view of the person I’ve become. It takes my breath away because for the first time I see my true self. I’m the young woman who’ll save her father by playing the part her heart has always longed for.
Collecting everything together, I put it all back in the bag and throw the remnants of the old Lia into the trashcan. The only item I have with me now is my father’s sword. I used to be too weak to lift it, but now I carry it with ease. I pull it from its scabbard and point it toward the mirror—I shall wield it in battle with pride. The room is barely lit, but it doesn’t stop me from seeing the inscription on the blade.
Honor, truth, and justice.
The words are in Chinese symbols, one’s bestowed upon my ancestor who brought us to America. I’ll make him proud.
Placing the sword away, I leave the public toilet and make my way directly to the main Yi Shu compound. It’s a short walk, and the streets are empty. Fear and also families spending a last night all together has everyone inside.
The building is imposing. It covers a large area and once served as a university, but now it’s been commandeered for another purpose—the fight against the Jīn Long. A war we will win.
“Who goes there?” a voice shouts out.
“Zhàn, son of Lin Zhànshì. I’m here to fight.”
The man laughs. “You’re a bit eager. We weren’t expecting anyone until the early hours.”
Two men appear at the gate and examine me. My hands are trembling. If I’m discovered now, I’ll be executed. It’s not something I’ll be able to fight against.
“Show us proof,” one of the men demands. “ID.”
Shit!
I didn’t think about needing proof of who I am. It’s my first mistake…well, second if you include the fact I’m dressed like a boy trying to get into an army camp to save my father from being killed.
“I didn’t bring anything, because I left in a hurry.I needed to go before my mother went into another fit of hysterics.”
“We can’t let you in without any ID.” The second man shines a torch into my face. I blink away the bright light before shielding my eyes.
“You’re sending a soldier away?” I reply, feigning annoyance. “I thought you wanted us all here to fight.”
“Go home and come back with ID,” the guards snaps at me. “You could be anyone, a spy from the Jīn Long sent to trick us.”
“I’m a loyal member of the Yi Shu. My family has fought for you in the past.”
“Still could be anyone.”
My anger is growing now. I can’t return home. I don’t have anything to prove who I am, and I’ve no way of getting any fake documentation in the next few hours. I’m about to be discovered, and my father and I will die as a result. Don’t cry, don’t panic, be a man, be the person you were destined to be.
My sword, that’s it.
“You want ID? I have this.” I lift the weapon up, and all the men step back and draw their weapons. “I’m not attacking you,” I moan in frustration. “I’m showing you I’m Yi Shu.” They all shine their flashlights at the sword inscribed with the motto of their leader. “This was given to my grandfather for service and loyalty and was then passed to my father for his. Today, I come here with it to offer my devotion to the cause. If you can’t accept it, then you’ll be losing one of the most loyal and fierce fighters you could have, and I’ll be replaced by a man too old to fight.”
The two men sigh heavily.
“Okay, you’ve proven yourself.” They press a couple of buttons on the side of the gate to let me in. “The new quarters are over there. You can show yourself to them. Be ready at six a.m. It’s when training starts, and you can prove you deserve to wield such a fancy weapon.”
I’m a lot shorter than the men, and I can tell they’re looking down on me.
I bow my head to them and make my way over to where they’ve directed, whispering to myself, “I’ve already proven I’m worthy to wield this sword by saving my father’s life. Lia is gone. Zhàn is here to stay.”
I roll over in my bed and grab my head. It’s thumping like a herd of elephants is pounding through my brain.
Fuck, why did I decide Baijiu would be the best way to help me sleep after my nightmare? The strong alcohol has done little for me except give me the mother of all hangovers. Not what I need today. I reach over to the nightstand, next to my bed, and blindly search around for my phone. When I find it, I bring it as close to my face as I possibly can before even daring to open my eyes. Through a small crack in my right eyelid, I see it’s seven a.m.
Shit.
Fuck!
I’m in trouble.
Jumping out of the bed, my stomach swims with nausea as I rush to put on some clothes. I was supposed to present myself to all the recruits at six a.m. this morning. A few days into my new role, and I’m already messing up. Stopping by the bathroom to relieve myself and pop a couple of Advil, I race down to where the recruits will already be training.
The training yard, which is basically a concrete covered playground, is full of people all performing drills. I stop for a moment to take it all in. The loyalty within the Yi Shu is phenomenal. Even though these men know many of them will die, they’ve all shown up and are working hard.
“About time you joined us, sir,” one of my team, a man named Chen, jokes with me. He’s been training with the Yi Shu almost as long as I have, but he’s not as motivated for progression as I am,
“I got a little waylaid.”
Chen sniffs the air, and I curse the fact I didn’t clean my teeth.
“I’m sure you did. Your secret is safe with me. I know it’s the first time you’ve ever been late.”
“Thank you.” I lower my head in a bow to him, “What’s been happening?”
“We’ve separated the recruits into groups, and we’re now testing their fitness before we see what they’ve got in the way of weapon skills. I’ve been looking after your group and mine. We’ve got four people per group.”
“Thank you. Where are my recruits?” I look around hopefully. Some of these recruits look good—they’re strong men who’ll give us an advantage against the Jīn Long. A particular group catches my eye, four big men, each performing star jumps and push-ups with ease.
“They look good.” I nod toward them.
Chen chuckles. “Yes, sir, they are. It’s why I chose them as my group.”