“I’m sorry I forced the bond on you,” I said wetly, and he growled.
“It’s not about the bond!” he shouted.
My vision flashed red. “You just said—”
“You’re not listening.”
“No, you’re not making sense!” I snapped.
He pointed his index finger at my face “You lied to my face. You left. To be the self-sacrificing hero. To save the fucking the world. You left us. You left me.”
“And I would do it again,” I seethed as my eyesight shifted to a spectrum of red. “I did it to save your life. To protect you. Maybe it wasn’t the right choice. But it was the only choice!”
“Bullshit.”
“What do you want from me?” I splayed my arms wide, my fingertips crackling. “I did what I thought I had to do. Okay? It hurt you. It hurt all of you. I know that. But Lucifer had Bethany. They tortured her; they raped her. Because of me! And if there was even a chance that I could save her, I had to try. If there was a chance that I could ensure your safety, I had to try.”
“You could have talked to us! You could have let us in, let us help. We could have done it together, and we would have never lost you at all.” His fists were glowing, and I couldn’t tell whose rage was fueling whose. It was like a feedback loop, and the anger continued to grow. “You had choices, and you chose wrong!”
He jabbed his finger in my face again, and my control snapped. I bared my blunt teeth. “Do you think I wanted to leave you? Do you think I wanted any of this?” Running on rage, I spun and ripped off my shirt, revealing my back. “Do you think I wanted this?”
A terrible noise scraped his throat, strangled and raw, and it obliterated my heart.
“I didn’t want any of this. Leaving you destroyed me.” I faced him again, crying in earnest. “It killed me, Jai. I died there.
“And I’m sorry. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry that I lied. I’m sorry I betrayed you. But I’m not sorry for doing everything in my power to protect you. And this”—I motioned between us—“Our bond? I’m not sorry for that. Because it means I’m a part of you and you’re a part of me. And after everything they stole from me, they couldn’t take that away. They couldn’t take you away. So no, I’m not sorry about our bond because I think it’s the only thing that kept me alive when they ripped out my wings.”
Jai’s breath hitched. A tear snaked down his cheek, disappearing into his beard. My chest heaved, and I couldn’t breathe.
I said, “I love you. I don’t know many things, not anymore. But I know I love you with every fiber of my being, and there’s nothing I want more than to be bonded with you, than to be your Committed. To be tied to you forever.”
I said, “Maybe it’ll kill us in the end. Maybe none of this was worth it, and we all die. But I want to be selfish. I want to spend every day I have left with you. And if we die, it’ll be together. Because I’m not strong enough to leave you. I’m not strong enough to live without you.”
I said, “You promised I could come home. No matter what, you said I could come home. And I want to, Jai. Please, let me come home to you. I just want to come home.”
And then he was there, and I was in his arms. We fell to the carpet in a tangle of limbs. His fingers dug into my back, his nails scraping the warped scars on my back. His tears wet my skin as harsh sobs wrenched from his chest. And he wept.
I didn’t think it was possible for my heart to break any more than it was already broken. But in that moment, it shattered like that darn mirror.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry,” I chanted over and over, and he moaned in agony, rocking us back and forth.
He traced my scars, and he mourned. Jai mourned. For me. For something he never even knew I lost. And I felt it.
The bond was pain and anger, horror and guilt. Grief, suffocating grief. It ripped through the rope between us, snaking around my neck until I nearly asphyxiated on it. Like a wildfire, Jai raged, his wrath potent and savage, demolishing everything in its path. It was all-encompassing, and I responded.
My power popped to life, vibrating over my skin. Jai trembled, a groan scraping his throat. I tasted spices on the back of my tongue, and heat ignited in my belly.
“Jai,” I breathed his name like a prayer, and he grunted.
Fingers twisting in my curls, he yanked my head back and crashed his mouth on mine. I didn’t stand a chance against him, not when he kissed me like this. I tasted the salt of our tears and the bitter sorrow on his tongue. His piercing massaged my tongue, and I whimpered.
I grabbed at his shirt, frustrated that he was wearing clothes. Fabric ripped, and we parted in shock as I literally tore his shirt from his body. My vision jumped from multicolor to red and back again. Jai’s eyes blazed, and a nearly animalistic sound rumbled in his chest as I tossed the pieces of his shirt to the side.
“I’m gonna fuck you until you can’t walk straight,” he ground out between clenched teeth.
And I said, “Yes.”
“It’s gonna be hard.”
“Yes.”
“I’m not gonna be gentle. And I’m sorry. But I need you. Okay? I just—it’s gonna be fast and rough because I need you.”
And as I kissed him, I thought yes and yes and yes.
We didn’t even leave the floor. Jai flipped me around, bending me over the edge of my bed, my cheek on the mattress. He faltered then, just a moment. Because the scars, the scars, the scars. He kissed them so lightly, like he feared he’d hurt me. I sighed.
Then he hauled my underwear down. His zipper rasped harshly in the quiet of my room, and my hands fisted in the comforter. He was warm against my back, his breath harsh and hot on my neck. His callused hands were everywhere.
When he circled my erection with his fingers, I cried out. My skin was sensitive and stretched taut over my bones. Beneath my flesh, I was burning alive, but I didn’t want it to ever end. Our bond pulsed between us, brighter and stronger than ever before.
“Oh my God.” I buried my face in the bedding, moaning as he stroked me mercilessly. There was nothing playful or teasing about this handjob. Jai was on a mission, and as he’d warned, he wasn’t going to be gentle about it.
Quicker than I was proud of, my body tensed, and I came into his hand with a keen. I shook under the onslaught of pleasure, but he didn’t give me time to truly enjoy it. His hand, slick with my release, slid around my hip and between my cheeks. I yelped as a finger pressed inside me. It burned something fierce, and I whimpered.
Using my semen as lubricant, he prepared me. He was rough but not unkind. I felt his urgency, his desperate need to taste, to take, to claim. I surrendered because I needed him too. Our bond had been fragile and frayed for too long. It was time to finish this.
For all his dirty talk, he took his time prepping me. Because I’d only done this once—twice if I counted our dreamwalk. And this was Jai. He would never hurt me.
“Do you have any idea how much I fucking love you?” he rasped in my ear as his fingers pumped in and out of my body.
“I love you,” I practically sobbed out the words. “I love you. Jai, I—God!”
He pushed further, brushing my prostate. I was starting to harden again. He chuckled darkly. “Oh, to be young again.”