Add on the uncertainty of their relationship dynamic, and it was a bit of a mess. I didn’t think they’d pursued each other since I’d been back. If they had, I wasn’t privy to it. I didn’t think they’d do that, not behind my back.
“It wasn’t planned,” I said, using the words they had. “It just happened.”
“You don’t need to explain,” he said, squeezing my wrist. “It’s really none of my business.”
“Isn’t it, though? It affects you.”
Noel turned, forcing me to release him. “Well, yes. But what happens between you and Jai is between you and Jai. You don’t owe me explanations. You don’t need to justify. You have every right to be with him whenever and however you choose without feeling obligated to tell me about it.”
“But you’re my boyfriend too, right?” I crossed my arms over my chest, feeling cold again. “And I’m trying to keep things fair. I mean, I should, right? So nobody feels left out.”
With a shake of his head, his features pinched. “Keep things fair? Like with sex? Riley, do you really think that’s what it’s about? Keeping it even?”
I dropped my gaze to the floor as my cheeks warmed. “I just thought—”
“It’s not remotely about that. It shouldn’t be about that. If me and you have sex—when we have sex—it should be because we both want to. Because we love each other and trust each other. Not because you think you owe me to make up for the fact that you fucked Jai first.” I flinched and stepped back at that. He grimaced. “Forgive me. That was crude. I just—do you really think I would want to have sex with you when you’re only doing it because you feel obligated?”
“That’s not why I would be with you,” I said fiercely. “I want you because I love you! I just didn’t want you to think I was choosing Jai instead of you.”
Soft hands framed my face, and I blinked heavily as Noel tilted my head so I could no longer hide from him. “It would be a lie to say I haven’t thought that a time or two. That maybe there was something wrong with me to make you go to Jai that night.”
“Noel—”
He covered my mouth with his palm. “But that’s insecurity talking, not truth. I know you, Riley Shepard. I know that you love me, that you want me. And I know that when the time’s right, you’ll share everything with me. Your heart, your trust, and your body. And I’ll entrust you with mine in return.
“So what if it won’t be your first time? It won’t be mine either. But it will be our first time, and that’s all that matters.” He cupped my cheeks and nuzzled our noses. “We signed on for this, and I knew going in there was a chance I wouldn’t be your first. You can’t give all of us your virginity, sweetheart.”
My blush heated under his palms. “I know. I just feel guilty.”
“And if I’d been your first, you’d feel guilty that it wasn’t Jai. There’s no winning for you in this, not with guilt. But you need to trust us when we say that it’s not a competition for your affection. I don’t think you love me less just because you had sex with Jai first.
“Am I jealous?” He managed to look sheepish. “A little. Because I want to be with you that way and share everything. Because I want you to be my Committed. But I’m not angry. I’m just impatient.”
He winked, and I grinned. “I want to be your Committed too. More than anything.”
At my confession, his entire countenance lit like the sun. “Really?”
Nodding, I brushed his cheek with the back of my knuckles. “I love you so much it feels like I’ll explode. Will you be my Committed too? You know, when the time’s right?”
A happy sheen glinted in his eyes as he nodded. “Yes. It would be my honor to be your Committed.”
Joy swooped through my chest, burning in my belly, and I slipped my arms around Noel’s neck and kissed him. “Did we just”—I gasped for breath around his intense kisses—“propose to each other?”
Noel laughed. “Yeah, I think we did.”
Once again, I was lifted into his arms, but this time, I hooked my limbs around his body, pressing my mouth hard to his. He walked me backward until I was perched on the countertop once more. His tongue slipped tentatively into my mouth, and heat washed over me. It had been weeks since I’d felt this, and it almost undid me.
“And for what it’s worth,” Noel purred against my lips, “I have a feeling there’s a first only I can give you. So, in a way, I’ll be taking your virginity too.”
“Huh?” I furrowed my brow as Noel kissed my chin, then my nose, then my mouth.
He smiled, somehow both shy and scandalous at the same time. “Unlike Jai, I’m an enthusiastic bottom. And I’m going to rock your fucking world.”
His kiss cut off any reply I might have had, and I clung to his neck as he ravaged my mouth. Wait, what? A bottom?
Oh…
Oh!
Noel wanted me to… he wanted to let me…
Oh good gracious!
Chapter Two
Jai found us in the kitchen a few minutes later, cuddling and kissing sweetly. I hid my flushed face in Noel’s chest as Jai’s buckled boots clomped against the tile.
“Okay?” Jai asked.
“Mhm.” Noel kissed my head. “Riley proposed. It was very romantic.”
I smacked his chest as he laughed. “Shut up. I did not.”
Chuckling under his breath, Jai leaned his hip against the edge of the island. “I don’t see a ring.”
“Silly human traditions.” Noel’s eyes widened at me. “Unless you want a ring. I’ll get you so many rings, one for each day of the week.”
“I don’t need a ring.” I peered at Jai from the corner of my eye, trying to read his carefully constructed expression. He met my gaze and winked. I smiled. “Sorry about the bathroom.”
“It’s okay, baby. Gid’s bringing a new mirror back with him.”
I blanched. “You told him?” Jai arched an eyebrow, and I slumped. “He’s gonna ground me.”
They both laughed.
“He would too,” Noel said.
“He’s such a mom.” Jai dragged a finger down my arm, from my shoulder to my elbow. Sparks and heat followed the trail he blazed. I shivered, and Jai’s eyes flared. “You’ll survive.”
“I’ve survived worse,” I said flippantly, but my joke fell flat. Noel flinched. Jai ground his teeth. My wry smile died on my lips.
“Have you eaten?” Jai changed the subject. I shook my head, and he grabbed a skillet from one of the cabinets. “I’ll make some eggs.”
Hopping off the counter, I straightened my pajamas. “I’m not that hungry.”
“You need to stick to the dietary plan,” Noel said as he retrieved a carton of eggs from the fridge. “You’re still underweight.”
It took all my self-control not to sigh and roll my eyes. I had many “plans” I was supposed to follow to heal from my time in Purgatory. I had a diet and exercise regimen engineered to help me gain muscle and body weight back. I met with Harriet, my personal doctor, once a week to assess any lasting damage to my body. Gideon was trying to convince me to meet with Nadia, Noel’s therapist, so I could “work through my trauma”—Gideon’s words, not mine.