I hissed as he tugged a chunk of glass from deep in my heel. “The sink. My hands were too close.” I motioned to my sleep shirt, wet from water. “It was stupid.”
Noel bit his bottom lip. I couldn’t tell if he was stopping a smile or a cringe. “So you broke the mirror and the lights?”
“I said it was stupid,” I mumbled. “I didn’t mean to.”
“You never do,” he said, not unkindly.
I bristled anyway. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I’m not picking a fight.” His tone was a forced calm. “I’m on your side. Put your weapons down.”
Pushing my irritation and apologies deep into my stomach, I said, “I know. I didn’t sleep well, and the water was cold. It just…”
Words failed me yet again. Noel squeezed my calf and kissed my knee over my pajama pants.
He waved at my feet. “I think that’s all of it. You can heal now. You’ll feel if there’s glass left.”
“Thanks.”
My energy crackled along my veins, and my skin glowed a hazy red. The ache in my palm and my feet diminished as my skin knitted back together. They’d be tender for the rest of the day, but the open cuts had shut. Good enough.
Noel returned with a wet cloth and swiped the remaining blood from my feet. As he bent, the collar of his shirt opened to reveal a strap of leather fastened around his neck. I reached out and captured it. He straightened, and the leather slid over my fingers until the necklace spilled out of his shirt.
Three pendants came to rest in my palm, three pairs of angels’ wings. Gold. Onyx. Opal. My throat cinched.
“My necklace,” I said.
“I didn’t want to lose it,” Noel said, stepping closer until he stood between my dangling legs. We both studied the pendants. “I figured you might want it back. Once you came home.”
“You want me to have it back?”
He looked like I’d slapped him. “Of course. It’s yours. Do you… do you not want it back?”
“I do,” I said hastily. “I do want it back, if that’s okay.”
“Of course.” He smiled, relieved. Then he removed the necklace from his neck and fastened it around my own. The pendants clinked together over my sternum. “There you go. That’s better.”
I smoothed my hand over the cool stones. I’d missed the weight of them. “Thank you.” I glanced down and choked on a wet laugh. Noel was wearing his unicorn toe socks. “I like your socks.”
Cupping my chin, he directed my gaze to his. “I like you,” he said.
“I like you too.”
Noel framed my face in his palms. “Promise?”
I nodded, my voice cracking as I croaked, “Always.”
His hands were warm on my neck, his fingers digging in as his forehead touched mine. Honeyed breath fanned over my mouth, and my hands trembled as they found his waist. And then he was pressed against me, solid and soft all at once. He was lilac and turpentine and the perpetual sunshine that existed in this realm. He was Noel, my Noel.
“I love you.” I tangled my fists in the back of his shirt. “It’s not enough, but I love you so much.”
Crushing me to him, he trailed kisses down the side of my face, from my temple to my jaw. “Oh, ahuvi, you’re enough. You’ve always been enough.”
I clung to him, and he showered me with love I didn’t deserve. Drowning me in the promises of forever, he cradled me close as I breathed him in. He deserved better than me, but I was selfish and would take everything he promised. I prayed my love could be enough, even when I knew it never would.
Cautiously, I pressed my mouth to his. His full lips tasted like honey and sleep. He released a shaky breath against my mouth, kissing me like I was made of glass.
We’d shared a few chaste kisses since I’d been home, but it wasn’t the same. Anytime I even hinted at wanting to deepen our kisses, Noel had pulled away. Jai hadn’t been any better in the rare moments I’d subtly attempted to initiate something more. We danced around each other, colliding every few steps only to ricochet away. The bond pulled and pushed between us, but it didn’t erase the deep anger Jai felt, the confusion and fear feasting on my heart.
After everything that had happened, I had to believe we were strong enough to reclaim all we’d lost, but they treated me like I was breakable. And maybe I was. Sometimes, I felt like I was cracked down the middle, held together by tenuous tendrils.
But in moments like this, I didn’t feel broken. I felt strong and whole. Noel tasted like love and acceptance. He smelled like trust and home.
My fingers slipped into his hair, clasping the back of his neck, and he hummed against my lips. When my tongue teased the seam of his mouth, he tightened his grip on my face and broke away. I whined, chasing his mouth.
“Riley—”
“Why?” The word shattered on my tongue, and his face crumpled.
Our foreheads met, and he breathed me in. “You’ve been through a lot. Okay? We all have, and—”
“No,” I said bitterly. “If you don’t want me, that’s fine. That’s your choice. But don’t stand there and tell me it’s for my benefit. That I’ve been through too much. That I need to take it slow.”
“That’s—”
“No. After everything I’ve been through, I’ve earned the right to choose for myself. You don’t want this”—I motioned between us—“okay. Fine. But I do.”
Noel’s eyes widened, lips parting in astonishment at my candor. I didn’t back down. I rubbed my thumb along the base of his skull and held eye contact. I needed him to understand. I needed him to believe me.
“I do want you,” he finally said. “I chose you a long time ago, and I’ll choose you again and again. But I know what it’s like to try and bury your hurt under the closest warm body. And I refuse to be that for you. We both are worth more than that.”
With a peck to my forehead, he stepped away, leaving me cold and hurt. And yeah, angry. Because how dare he! How dare he insinuate I would use him as a selfish distraction. Like I was no better than the monsters who’d hurt him. Like I was no different than Malachi!
Noel gripped the edge of the counter beside the sink, head bowed. I hopped off the kitchen island and approached him slowly.
“Do you really think that poorly of me?” I asked, and his shoulders slumped.
“You know I don’t.”
The tile under my feet chilled my skin as I closed the distance between us. My palm met his spine. When he didn’t tense, I bridged the remaining space and slipped my arms around his waist. My cheek pressed to his back as I clasped my hands over his stomach. One of his hands blanketed mine.
“Ani ohev otcha,” I confessed into his shirt.
“Oh, Riley, I love you too.”
“Then why don’t you kiss me anymore?” I nuzzled his back, my stomach cramping with nerves. “Is it because of Jai?”
Every muscle in Noel’s body locked. I tightened my arms around him, terrified he’d push me away. We hadn’t talked about Jai’s and my Committed bond much. We skirted around the reality that Jai and I had sex the night I left them. It was the elephant in the room we did our best to ignore.