“I think so. Only because it doesn’t feel right to take the man’s money and have nothing to show for it. I want to do it right this time, connect with his wife. Earn it. Of course Dex wants to film the damn thing.”
“Like your old show?”
“No,” I say adamantly. “Nothing like that. To be honest, I’m not even sure he knows. In the past, before my mother died, we talked about becoming paranormal…well…investigators. I know that sounds ridiculous. Do you know who the Warrens are?”
“Of course. The couple who investigated Amityville, the Enfield Poltergeist, the Smurl Haunting, and many others.”
Wow. That’s impressive knowledge for a psychologist. Perhaps treating me has rubbed off on her.
“Yeah,” I say. “I used to think that could be us. Using our abilities for good instead of exploitation. That’s another reason why I agreed to go into the house. The man wanted us to talk to his wife, to pass on messages. I felt like I could help.”
“That’s a noble way of looking at it,” she says. “But it’s one thing to say it and another to do it. Would it be just this once, or would you make it a thing?”
“I don’t know,” I tell her. And I really don’t. “I have a hard time thinking it could be a career.”
“You’d be surprised what people pay for. Though I guess you already have proof of that.” She presses her lips, rubbing her nude lipstick together. “Has your relationship with Dex changed since then?”
I run my tongue over my teeth, my heart doing a little backflip in my chest.
“A little.”
“How so?”
I feel my cheeks go hot already. Man, this always happens when I talk about sex with her, or with anyone, really. “Our sex life has, um, picked up.”
“That’s positive,” she says, smiling.
“Yeah. I’m not complaining.” I let out a soft laugh, trying to pull my hair in front of my face so she can’t get a good look at me. “It’s just a big change.”
“I’m assuming he’s initiating it.”
“Oh yes.”
“And you don’t have a problem with it?”
“Nope.” I pause. “It’s just surprising, that’s all. The man is…I don’t even know. Insatiable, I guess. It feels like when we first got together, you know? That kind of…energy. Passion. Obsession.”
She raises a brow. “Obsession?”
“Maybe that’s the wrong word. Because it’s good, whatever it is. Can obsession be good?” I want to say possession but I let the word stay on my tongue. “I mean, it’s really good. I’m just getting used to it. As you know, our sex life really suffered when he was on his anti-depressants and it took a long time even after he went off them for things to go back to normal. But this…this is…”
“Sounds pretty amazing if you ask me,” she says softly, and when I look at her, she has a twinkle in her eye. “So I have to ask. Have you told him about what you want? What we’ve talked about. That you want a child.”
I swallow, stiffening slightly as a strange sense of shame floods through me. I shake my head. “No. Not yet.”
“Do you think maybe he’s picking up on that?”
“That I want a baby?”
“Could explain the sex.”
I frown, trying to think.
It’s been about four months since I really felt my biological clock kick in. It was always there, but I’d done a pretty good job of ignoring it After all, I’m young. I was dealing with a new career, a marriage, the death of my mother. Oh, and there was all that don’t let Perry and Dex ever have a child because they’ll both die and the kid will become the anti-christ shit. So whenever I felt that longing, I pushed it away. There were times that Dex brought it up with me too, but I shut it down pretty fast because I didn’t want to deal with it. It scared me.
It still scares me. The idea of becoming pregnant. Of having a baby. Of being parents. It scares me for all the normal reasons it scares anyone, and then of course all the batshit crazy reasons that are only applicable to us.
But ever since this one sunny day in July when we were lying on the grass in Gasworks Park, watching a young family run around, I was hit with it. I’d never felt anything like it. I woke up that morning with the idea of a baby as something that might happen one day, to going to bed that night knowing it had to happen. That it’s all I ever wanted. I wanted this for us so badly, I felt like we wouldn’t ever be complete without it.
Fucking terrifying, if you ask me.
And so I let that want just fester away inside me, too scared to voice it to Dex. Which is ridiculous, because I know it would make him happy. It’s never been a secret how he’s felt about having kids. Yet I know the minute I tell him that I want a family, is the minute that will become a reality. And as much as I want to have his baby, want to raise our child together and be a family, I’m also scared the worst could happen.
I’ve been through the worst before…what if it’s waiting for me again?
“I don’t think he knows,” I say eventually.
“But you say he can hear your thoughts sometimes,” she points out.
“I usually block them around him, just in case.” I give her a sheepish smile. “It’s automatic, purely instinctive. It’s just easier that way. Unless I want him to hear them.”
“But you can hear his thoughts.”
“I try not to. He’s also gotten good at blocking me.” We’ve come to an agreement when it comes to the privacy of our minds, for both our sakes. All I know is if Dex was picking up on my I’d die for a baby thoughts, he’d let me know.
She adjusts herself in her chair and looks over her shoulder at Porgus snoozing away in the corner, and then looks back at me. “I’m not sure if I should be telling you this, but sometimes I can hear your thoughts too.”
I blink at her. “Are you serious?”
She nods. “I try not to hear them, but I do. Honestly, it makes things so much easier, Perry. I wish I had this with all my patients.”
“You hear me?”
Her smile is quick, apologetic.
“But that means…” I start. The only people I’ve been able to do this to are people like us. Dex, Ada, my mother…Maximus. People with abilities. If Dr. Leivo can hear me…
I squint at her in disbelief. “You see them too. You see ghosts too.”
Another brief smile. “We’re not here to discuss me, Perry. Just you.”
“You can’t just drop a bomb on me like that!”
Fucking hell. She sees ghosts too. She can hear my thoughts. No wonder she never treated me like I was crazy. It’s because she knew I was telling the truth the whole damn time.
“Wow,” I say, sitting back. “That is just wow.”
She smirks at me for a moment and then clears her throat, her features becoming soft and innocuous again. “Shall we continue?”
I nod, though my brain is still tripping over that revelation.
“Back to the baby,” she says, bringing my attention around. “You don’t think Dex is picking it up from your thoughts. But that doesn’t mean he’s not doing so subconsciously. You often talk about how linked you are. That could be a possibility.”