When I’m not studying or working on law school applications, I volunteer as a paralegal at a pro bono law office. The office is near campus, and after I saw it, I went in with my resume and transcript, saying I was interested in an internship or a volunteer position. They hired me right away. I do a lot of the drudge work, like making coffee and filing paperwork, but my boss is cool and gives me real assignments that actually contribute to the work they are doing too.
“I know, I know,” I said to Clara. I have heard her lectures about how I need to get out more many times before. “But I can’t relax until everything is done.”
“But it’s never done!” Clara protested. “You’re always going to have another paper to write or another chapter to read. Once you graduate, you’ll have law school and then a job.”
“Exactly,” I grinned.
“You’re nuts.”
“Maybe,” I agreed.
Clara is in the education program and plans to be an elementary school teacher after we graduate. She is already doing her student teaching hours at a local school near campus. She’s very intelligent and loves children, but her main motivation for pursuing the education field is having summers off work, so she can’t really relate to my need to stay busy all the time to crowd out my thoughts.
“Well, can you at least put the books down just for one night and go to a party with me? Please?”
“What party?” I ask, already knowing there’s no way I’ll go.
“It’s a house party. Final bash before everyone goes home for fall break.”
“Oh? And whose house might this party be at?”
Clara grins mischievously. “The party may or may not be at Ryan’s house.”
“Ryan, the cute guy in your night class that you won’t shut up about?”
“You mean Ryan, the gorgeous football player with a sick house off-campus he lives in with some of his hot teammates,” Clara corrected. “But yeah, that’s Ryan.”
“I’m going to have to pass.” I sigh, as if it pains me to turn her down.
To my surprise, Clara looks genuinely upset.
“Seriously? You’re no fun anymore.” She pouts, an angry glint in her eye.
“Look, is this about Ryan? Why don’t you just ask him out or something? I’m sure he—”
“It’s not about Ryan!” Clara cuts me off. “This is about you. All you do is school and work at the office. You barely eat, you hardly sleep, and—” She leans over and dramatically sniffs the air a couple of inches away from me. “When’s the last time you showered?”
I look around to make sure there’s still nobody else in the library, then quickly sniff under my armpits. She’s not wrong.
“And it’s not just that. You’re never around anymore!” Clara continues. “You missed Anna’s birthday party, you never want to go to the mall or do the things we used to do…” her voice gets quiet. “I just haven’t been feeling like you’re really there for me. I miss you. And I’m worried about you.”
Her words feel like a sucker punch to my gut because I know she’s right. I have been putting my friends on the backburner for too long. Our mutual friend Anna had a huge birthday party a few weeks ago; she’d been talking about it for months and spent all her free time planning it. She spent a ton of money and rented out a venue and got lots of liquor and a live band. I was going to go, but something came up at the pro bono office. I meant to only go in for an hour or two and then go straight to the party, but I got so wrapped up in work that I completely lost track of time and missed the party. Clara covered for me; she told Anna I was sick and even put my name on the gift she got for her. It wasn’t the first time she had covered for me because I was too busy with work or school.
Clara has always been an amazing friend to me, and lately I haven’t been reciprocating.
Besides my mom, Clara is the most important person in the world to me. I hate making her upset, and I don’t want her to think that I don’t care about her. Or Anna, or any of our other friends, but especially Clara.
“You’re right,” I tell her sincerely. “I haven’t been the greatest friend lately. And I’m really sorry.”
Clara nods while I talk, looking me in the eye. She gets it. She always does.
“It’s okay. It’s just, like I said, I’m worried about you. It’s not good for you to just study and work and be alone all the time. It’s unhealthy. You need balance. You need to live a little.”
“I know.”
“So you’ll come to the party?”
I sigh. “Not tonight.” I see her open her mouth to protest so I keep talking before she can interject. “But I promise, promise, promise I will go to the next party or whatever you invite me to. But look at me, I’m dead exhausted and look like shit. I wouldn’t be any fun tonight.”
Clara looks me up and down with her lips pursed. “You’re right, you do look like shit,” she teases, so I reach over and gently sock her in the arm. “I’m kidding, I’m kidding. Sort of.” I sock her again, a little harder this time. “Just promise me you’ll actually go home and get some sleep tonight, and next time I ask, you’ll go out with me?”
I look at her and smile, even though her face is starting to swim across my eyes, my vision blurry from lack of sleep.
“Deal.”
3
Maddox
“You alright there, Maddox? Cat got your tongue?” Axel teased, elbowing me in the backseat of the cab where I’m wedged uncomfortably between him and Declan. We are all tall, broad guys, packed in like sardines, sitting the way that men do in enclosed spaces together—spreading our arms and legs and taking up as much space as possible without actually touching each other.
I grunt in response.
“Wow, moody. You’re going to have to try to be a little more eloquent than that if you want to get any action tonight,” Axel says, turning to face me and raising an eyebrow. Seeing the look on my face, he says, “What, you’re not nervous, are you? You, Casanova?”
I hate to admit it, but I am nervous. The three of us are on our way to the sex club, just as we promised Axel. Declan and I had to take several shots back at my place before even getting in the cab. Declan is totally silent, and I can feel him already counting down the minutes until this night is over. Axel is the only one who doesn’t seem uncomfortable at all. He’s his usual carefree, talkative self; and just as annoying as ever.
I feel sick to my stomach, the way I do before giving a presentation at work. Even though it’s my company (well, at least partially), I still get anxious about speaking in public. The same nervous butterflies are fluttering around my guts now.
But it’s not just nerves. I’m not regretting agreeing to this as much as Declan, but I’m not as carelessly eager as Axel either. I’m somewhere in between: a mix of dread and anticipation.
Because I want this. I want to go back to that dark club, the place that, perhaps not awakened, but recognized something inside me for the first time I can remember. As shocking as some of the things we saw last time were, it made me think that perhaps some of my secret desires aren’t so dark and strange after all. And it allowed me to see that many other people are unashamedly into the same things. At least I have a better idea of what to expect this time, which is reassuring.