If anything, Jasmine was the one who was controlling in bed. She knew what she liked and she wasn’t afraid to ask for it. Which was great. God knows, most guys need a little guidance when it comes to a woman’s body. But just like in other aspects of the relationship, Jasmine could be bossy and controlling.
I wouldn’t mind being the one in control for once.
Of course, I don’t actually want to hurt a woman…unless, maybe, she wants it. But I’ll admit, I’ve checked out my share of BDSM porn, and I’ve got to say it looks fun. Well, fun isn’t exactly the right word. Titillating. Exciting. Intoxicating. And sexy as hell.
“I haven’t,” I say, hoping the slight disappointment in my voice doesn’t give me away.
“What? Are you serious? I’ve been back twice!” boasts Axel gleefully.
“Good for you,” I say sarcastically. I’m jealous.
I thought about it but was never brave enough to go back by myself. Going with the guys, I could pretend it was for a laugh. They were a security blanket, in a way. I felt like I could look and not touch, galvanized by my comrades, the three of us standing on the outskirts of the action together.
I know that if I went back alone, I would want to do more than look. And I don’t feel ready for that.
Mostly because of Jasmine. I still think about her all the time. The guys never liked her, which Axel made abundantly clear, Declan more quietly so. They thought she was bossy and controlling, and they weren’t wrong. But I loved her. I think they were more upset about losing one of their drinking buddies more than being genuinely concerned about me.
“Not me,” says Declan. “That place freaked me out.”
“Seriously? You’re both so lame. I bet neither one of you has ever even been tied up before,” Axel says. He’s wrong.
“That’s not true,” I defend myself.
“Oh yeah?” Axel looks genuinely surprised. “I can’t believe Jasmine would go for that kind of thing.”
He’s right about that. I’ve experimented a little bit, even bought some handcuffs and a blindfold for Valentine’s Day, hoping Jasmine would want to try it. Once, before I met Jasmine, a girl I’d taken home from a bar asked me to tie her up with some scarves she kept under her bed just for that purpose. It was hot, and I wanted to try something like that with Jasmine. I didn’t even care who cuffed who. I just wanted to introduce a little bondage play into our routine. But she was not happy at all. In fact, it led to a huge fight.
We’d just gotten back to my place after a nice dinner out. I handed her a gift wrapped in red paper. I was so excited for her to open it; I handed it to her like a kid passing out presents on Christmas morning.
Jasmine grabbed it, smiling, and started to carefully peel back the tape.
Why doesn’t she just rip it open? I thought at the time, frustrated. We’re just going to recycle it anyway. Why can’t she ever just let go?
“What the fuck is this?” she’s said, confused, when she unwrapped the furry pink cuffs and matching silk blindfold.
“I thought it would be fun,” I’d said, shrugging. I had to be careful; I could tell she wasn’t happy and my gift had totally missed the mark.
She looked at me like I’d slapped her.
“Oh, so I’m not fun enough for you?” she said, her voice getting louder and a flush crossing her cheeks. “What, I’m not exciting enough or something? You think I need, like, accessories for our sex to be good enough for you?”
I was shocked. I hadn’t thought of it like that at all, and I could tell this date was going downhill fast.
I also felt deflated, and more than a little disappointed. I wanted this, and she was not only rejecting the gift, but she was rejecting this part of me. I didn’t show it, but she was hurting my feelings too.
“No, no!” I protested, trying to calm her down. “That’s not it at all!”
“I’m not some fucking…sex doll that you can just do whatever you want to!” she shouted.
“Jasmine, of course I know that!” I said in what I hoped was a soothing voice. “Please, calm down!”
“CALM DOWN?!” Uh-oh. I didn’t know what I was thinking. I knew better than to tell anyone to calm down, especially Jasmine.
“Well, I’ll tell you what, Maddox. Why don’t I just go calm down by myself tonight, and you can play with your little toys all alone? Or find somebody else to play with. I don’t care,” she said angrily, storming out the door of my apartment. I watched her long legs, highlighted by the heels she wore, and her incredible ass in her tight red dress, as she left. What a waste of a night.
After the door slammed shut, I sank to my knees with my head in my hands, the box left discarded on the floor. What had I done wrong?
It was one of many, many explosive fights that Jasmine and I had during our relationship, but that was the last time I ever tried to bring any toys into the bedroom.
“Yeah, no, Jasmine was definitely not into that stuff,” I say to Axel. “But you know I’ve hooked up with more than one girl, right?” I try to lighten the mood.
“If you say so,” he teases back. “So, you’re in for tonight, then?”
“Count me out,” says Declan.
“Aw, come on, Declan. Don’t be such a stick in the mud,” Axel pushes.
“Nah, it’s just not my thing. You guys go ahead, though.”
“Loser. Well, I’m going anyway. Maddox? You coming?”
I don’t answer right away. I want to go back to the club. I’m just not sure if I want to go with the guys again. I had already seen what went on there, and I have the feeling that this time Axel isn’t just going to look, especially since he’s been going back. And if he is doing more than looking, he will probably expect me to, also. But I know I won’t go back alone, so I need the guys to make me do it. And if Declan goes, I won’t be the only one if I choose not to participate.
“I’ll go if Declan goes,” I say finally.
“I knew you would!” Axel crows. “Come on, Declan, now you have to go. Maddox never does anything fun anymore, and we can’t have him crawling back to Jasmine, can we?”
He’s not wrong. I’ve been pretty depressed since the breakup. Getting wasted and hitting on random women isn’t as fun for me now that I’ve had the real thing. Who knew falling in love would change everything?
Declan rolls his eyes.
“Fine,” he agrees reluctantly, and to my surprise, my heart skips a beat. I’m more excited about this than I thought. “But I’m not doing any weird shit, and next weekend we’re going to the karaoke bar.”
“Deal!” Axel grins.
2
Madison
Dad and I are singing along to a song on the radio, a song that I’ll never forget and I’ll never play again. We’re laughing and goofing off; Dad’s driving and I’m in the passenger seat.
I roll my window down and stick my hand out to feel the breeze, admiring my sparkly blue nail polish on my stubby little eight-year-old fingers.
Dad turns down the volume on the radio for just a moment to ask, “Shall we finish the night off with some ice cream?”