Lai holds up a finger. “If Erik went back, he’d have the chance to learn more about his past. Right now, we don’t have any idea how to get his memories back—but he could at least talk to the people who used to know him and who could give him clues. More clues than he’ll get by just sticking around here.” She holds up a second finger. “And he could act as a spy for the Order and tell us what the rebels are up to.”
I don’t know what throws me off more. The blunt truth about the dead end I’ve hit for finding out about the past I can’t remember coming from someone else’s mouth, or the idea that Lai wants me to risk my neck spying on the people who apparently used to be my friends. Cal comes to mind. The way he looked up at me, how happy he was when I asked about our past friendship. Something like anger boils in my blood. She’s seriously saying I should go back just so I can help her stupid Order? Despite everything that would mean for me?
Luckily Jay speaks before I can. I don’t know what I would’ve said, but it wouldn’t have been good. “Lai, that’s insanely dangerous. If the rebels caught Erik, he’d be killed—and that’s assuming they’d even accept him back in the first place. We need to stick together if we want to stop this war, not separate for suicide missions.”
“We have nothing on the rebels right now,” Lai says. She lifts her chin that way she does when she’s digging in her heels about something. Which is almost everything. “We don’t know where their bases are, their numbers, the weaponry at their disposal, what they’re planning—we don’t even know what they stole from those warehouses. For all we know, it could be a weapon dangerous enough to destroy the entire sector in one go. We have a shot at getting a pair of eyes and ears inside not only their troops but their core of leaders.” Lai looks at me again, and this time, she keeps her eyes locked on mine. She has to know what a mess my thoughts are, but she doesn’t show it. “Ellis said you used to be her right-hand man. I know her; she can’t stand losing those close to her. She’ll want things between you to go back to how they used to be. Which means she’ll keep you close by and well informed, as you would have been before. And she’ll tell you everything you want to know about your past because she’ll want you to remember.”
When I don’t say anything, she says quietly, “I know how it sounds. I know it’s incredibly risky—and selfish of me to even ask. But this could be a chance to turn the war before it’s even really begun. It gives us an in, and it gives Erik a chance to learn more about his past. That’s what you want, isn’t it?”
That last question is for me, but now I’m the one who can’t look at her. Because even though it is ridiculous, risky, and way too thin a plan, and even though I’m mad at her for trying to use me for her own purposes, I can’t deny the flare of hope that jumped up my throat when she suggested it. I’d already been thinking about the rebels and my options when I came back tonight—and Lai knew it. She’s giving me a way to get what I want without betraying our team or the innocent people the rebels are out to kill.
But there’s no hiding anything from a mind reader; I don’t have to look at her or speak for her to know exactly what’s going through my head. And from the way Jay pulls back, I get the feeling he’s sensed something in me with his gift that’s giving him a pretty good idea of where I stand right now, too. Johann just watches me without saying anything, and even though she doesn’t have a gift that lets her into other people’s heads or hearts, I realize she knows this is probably what I want, too. I’d have thought she’d be the first one to shoot down this plan, if only because she argues against everything Lai suggests these days, but she hasn’t said anything.
Now, Johann turns her back on all of us. “Just do what you want. I’m making dinner.”
Jay almost looks like he’ll go after her, but he just shakes his head. His glasses slide down his nose. “How would Erik even get to them when we have no idea where they are?”
“I’m sure he can come up with something.”
I frown. Underneath a pile of worn clothes in the corner I’ve been sleeping in sits the sketchbook Ellis gave me at that ambush. And inside it, a way to get in touch with the rebel leader. But I never told anyone about that. Damn mind reader.
Even though I doubt Jay knows about the sketchbook, he picks up on Lai’s hint. “This is a terrible plan,” he says.
“I know,” Lai says.
“Hey, I haven’t agreed to anything yet,” I say. The words sound hollow even to me. The looks Jay and Lai give me are halfway between pity and saying, Really? I throw my hands up. “Okay, fine, yes, I’m in. Happy now?”
Jay closes his eyes. He’s always taken his position as our leader seriously—and even I’ll admit he’s done a good job of it. I can’t really imagine him letting me walk alone straight into the enemy’s lair. He’s a good guy like that. But when he opens his eyes, I know he’s not going to say what he wants to. “We’ll take tomorrow to prepare. Erik, collect whatever supplies you need before you head out—don’t forget anything, because I doubt you’ll be able to come back. The rest of us will get ready to head to the Order. We’ll depart at midnight. You can take the day to think it over, make sure you’re certain of this. If you change your mind, you’ll of course be able to come with us. There’s no shame in refusing to go through with something this dangerous.” His eyes cut to Lai, but she pretends not to see.
“Yeah,” I say. “Sure. Cool.” But we all know I’m not going to change my mind.
3
JAY
I DISLIKE THE idea of Erik parting from us. We should stick together now more than ever. However, I can’t, or perhaps won’t, argue the matter with him. Last night he was a tumultuous current of violet anxiety and orange-red resolve. A worrisome mix, to say the least. But there was not a single shade of doubt.
I awake at dawn for no immediately discernible reason. However, it doesn’t take long to realize Lai isn’t in the apartment. I close my eyes and allow the internal grid in my head to unravel itself. The landscape of the area around me takes shape in a three-dimensional map; fluctuating shapes in various shades move through buildings and the streets below, or else remain still in the neutral shades of sleep. I search for one particular presence, and the grid focuses in on an area not far from here. A café? Lai is there, along with someone I recognize from the Order. Seung. A catch-up meeting, then.
Erik and Johann’s slow, steady breaths fill the space around me in a comforting hum. I allow myself a few heartbeats to lie there on the hard wooden floor, listening, taking strength from their presence. I won’t be able to for much longer. When I open my eyes, dust motes dance through the dim, gray, watery light of daybreak filtering in through the single window. I take a deep breath. Then I rock to my feet, wash my face, and make for the café.
Most of the sector has yet to awaken this early. The warm scent of baking bread drifts through the streets. A few early risers stride past me, but they each appear duly determined to head for wherever they’re going and stop for nothing else. They pay me no mind, and I try very hard not to act like they should. I’m a normal citizen. Certainly not a Nyte and ex-soldier wanted for treason.