It feels wrong that his words ring so true, though. Why would the military knowingly take in a rebel unless they had something planned? And then there’s my amnesia. Lai thinks a Nyte is responsible for that, someone whose gift can affect memories. Could the military have gotten someone to erase my memories so I’d join them? But why? I haven’t exactly done anything important for them since joining up. It doesn’t make any sense.
Cal abruptly stops in the middle of the street. I tense, reflexively reaching for the compressed weapon in my pocket, but he isn’t even looking at me. He holds out a hand to thin air—the same gesture Lai sometimes makes—with a concentrated expression like he’s listening to someone talk. Then he says, eyes still staring straight ahead, “I have to go. Sara is calling me.”
The rebels’ leader. My gut twists as I remember her sharp eyes cutting through me like the edge of a saw blade at that ambush.
Cal faces me again. “Erik, I’ve always thought of you like an older brother. You taught me so much, and you were always there for me. I miss you more than you can imagine. But I want you to be happy, whether you return to us or not. Be cautious. Choose what you do from here on out carefully.” He half-laughs to himself. “Well, you always choose everything carefully, so I guess that’s not saying much. But be safe.”
I can only stare at him. No one’s ever talked to me with such open care before. How can he be so earnest? He shouldn’t have even risked coming here. We’re enemies. Whatever we might have been before is over now.
Maybe for you, a voice whispers in the back of my head. You don’t remember being friends. But he still does.
“Thank you,” I manage to say without sounding weird. I think. “For everything.”
He smiles, but his eyes are tipped in sadness. “Yeah. Of course.” He holds out his hand to me. “You know, if you ever want to come back, you’ll always be welcome. I hope you do. I have a lot I’d love to talk about with you.”
I hesitate, but only for a moment, before taking his hand. “Yeah. Me too.”
I hate how much I mean that.
* * *
It’s getting dark by the time I return to our hideout. I didn’t mean to stay out all day, but after my talk with Cal, I couldn’t bring myself to go back. Especially not when there’s an irritatingly nosy mind reader I’m going to have to deal with. At least I picked up some more food and supplies for everyone, so it’s not like they can complain.
I can’t stop thinking about Cal. He said we were close, and despite myself, with the way he acted, I mostly believe him. That means he’d know a lot about me, right? Well, obviously not from before I joined the rebels—but what other kind of info does he have? What else could I learn from him?
But more daunting is seeing how much he really did seem to care about me. His concern felt real. He came all this way, risked discovery in enemy territory, just to talk to me—to answer my questions. So he could help me. He didn’t even want anything in return. When has anyone done something like that for me? I’ve never felt that kind of care even from my teammates.
No. It doesn’t matter. Cal’s a rebel.
So? a voice that’s louder than it should be asks in the back of my head. You think the sector’s in the right? They chased you out even after you stayed loyal to them, and then they made you a wanted criminal. Wouldn’t you have been better off going to the rebels? Wouldn’t you be better off?
Stop it. That rebel is just getting to me.
But the more I think about it, the more I wonder what I’m still doing here. The military and sector obviously don’t give a damn about me. Why should I care about them? Why should I fight for them?
Not that I’m fighting right now anyway. I just hide in a cramped apartment all day with a team that’s barely keeping it together. We can’t go anywhere; we can’t do anything. What am I doing? What am I supposed to do?
Right or wrong doesn’t feel so important anymore. I just want to do more than survive.
I’m so lost in my thoughts I don’t notice Lai leaning against a building near our apartment until she says, “Erik. We need to talk.”
My head snaps up. She knows. Of course she knows. She told us before that she can’t turn her gift off—that she’s always hearing the thoughts of everyone around her whether she wants to or not. The best she can do is try to tune it all out. But even without that, she doesn’t really have any sense of privacy, even for her so-called friends.
“It’s not ‘so-called,’” Lai says stiffly. “You are my friend. You all are.”
“And that’s why you don’t feel any kind of need to leave our thoughts alone?” I shove my hands in my pockets. The bag of food constricts around my wrist.
She doesn’t argue. She just jerks her chin toward our hideout. “The others are waiting. But I wanted to ask you first whether you want to keep that rebel’s visit a secret or not.”
My hands clench into fists. I’m glad they’re in my pockets so she can’t see. “I’d think the answer to that would be obvious.”
She shrugs. “You’re not a very obvious person. More roundabout, I’d say.” She kicks off the side of the building she’s been leaning against and heads for the apartment. “But if you want it secret, I’ll keep it secret.”
I follow after her more slowly. “You’re not worried about it?”
She glances back over her shoulder at me. “Should I be?”
With Jay or Johann or anyone else, I’d lie. Well, maybe not Jay. His gift senses lies, so that’d be pointless. But with Lai, maybe because we’re both so similar or maybe because she can just read my thoughts and hear the truth anyway, I don’t feel like I need to hide myself. “I don’t know.”
She nods but doesn’t say anything. We don’t talk as we climb the stairs to the tiny apartment door and Lai knocks three times, waits a breath, then knocks twice. The same knock comes from the other side before Jay opens the door.
He steps back to let us in. “No trouble, I take it?”
“None,” I say. It’s just a crappy, temporary apartment, but being back hits me with a wave of relief. It’s the closest thing to “safe” I’ve got. Having my teammates around me again helps. Yeah, they bicker constantly, but damn, can we hold our own together. “It sounds like the Etioles are finally worried about the rebels.”
“About time,” Johann says with a snort. She stops sharpening the blades of her halberd to stand up. “Maybe if they hadn’t been so carefree about them to begin with, things wouldn’t have gotten this bad.”
“Yeah, ’cause I’m sure all the normal citizens’ opinions affect what the military can do so much.” I try not to roll my eyes. “It doesn’t matter what the people who aren’t in charge think.”
Johann’s about to reply, but Jay steps between us and takes the bag of food from me. “Now that we’re all here again, we need to talk.” He and Lai share a look that makes my shoulders tense.
“Talk? About what?” I ask. Was Lai just bluffing earlier when she said she’d keep Cal’s visit a secret? But then why go out of her way to ask me about it?