I didn’t even know what to say. He was probably spot on. But it didn’t take away my feeling of resentment for everyone who'd left me on my own. It was my worst fears coming true though. I was terrified of becoming a monster like Don. What if it was too late?
“Even if I am ashamed of myself, it doesn’t take away this feeling that I’m on my own. V…” I coughed. “I mean…the man that recommended you speak to me. He can’t even stand me. It feels like he made me fall for him, and then as soon as he had my love, he pushed me to the side. It’s not just in my head. No one ever stays.”
Dr. Miller lifted up his notebook and slid it into his satchel. “I don’t think he’s going anywhere.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Our mutual friend has greatly benefited from you being in his life. I don’t believe he’s trying to push you away. Have you ever considered that you just don’t know him as well as you think you do?”
“I barely know him at all. He never talks about himself.”
“Have you ever asked?”
“Of course.”
He nodded. “Regardless, I truly believe he will not be abandoning you. It’s not in his nature. Especially when it comes to you.”
“Why do you say that?”
“It’s like his heart thawed throughout the past 6 months. When you showed up in his life.”
“I thought he never mentioned me?”
“That’s true. He’s never mentioned you, Alison. I need to get going. But we can meet again if you’d like. How about Wednesday evening at the same time?”
“I…um…”
“Your friend has my number. I’ll see you then.”
He walked away without waiting for my response. And I had an eerie feeling that he knew exactly who I was.
Chapter 6
Monday
Even though all the blinds were closed in the apartment, I still knew it was snowing. It was like I could taste the snowflakes on my tongue, like I could imagine making snow angels, like I could see the blood.
Stop. I wasn’t sure I knew how to be alone when it snowed. My memories haunted me. Sometimes it felt like the good memories were just as painful as the bad ones.
I stepped out of my bedroom and closed the door behind me. My bare feet were cold as I tiptoed down the hall as quietly as I could. Eli had said his door was always unlocked. He hadn’t invited me to spend the night in his room, he had just mentioned that we could continue our discussion. But I didn’t want to talk. I just didn’t want to feel alone. And Eli wasn’t the person for that.
I stopped and stared at V’s door instead. I had almost done something stupid today. A child could have easily gotten hurt. My behavior was becoming more sporadic and everyone could sense it. I was worried that I didn’t remember what it felt like to be sane.
But for one night, I wanted to forget about everything. I wanted to feel safe. I wanted to feel loved. Please be awake. I tried to turn the handle and wasn’t at all surprised that it was locked.
I lightly tapped my knuckle against the door. Nothing. I did it again, ever so quietly. “V,” I whispered. I had this ridiculous notion that if I could thaw his heart, maybe he could thaw mine.
Mine wasn’t frozen though. It was broken. It had been broken ever since my parents died. It shattered even more when Miles stopped writing. And it was irreparable after I lost my baby.
I felt that. In my head and my heart. There was nothing to hold on to. I stepped away from V’s door. Two broken souls couldn’t repair one another, no matter how much I wanted to believe they could.
I was about to retreat back to my room when I stopped. It felt like the snow was swirling around in my head, freezing every corner of my brain. A broken soul couldn’t mend me. But there was one person who could help. Before I could talk myself out of it, I walked over to Eli’s room and opened the door. It was unlocked, just like he said it would be. And he was doing exactly what any normal person should be doing at 1 in the morning. Sleeping. This was a mistake. I was about to retreat when he yawned and turned toward me.
“Summer?” He slowly sat up.
His voice sounded so innocent when it was doused with exhaustion. The 26-year-old man I had come to know looked more like a child than an adult. His hair was mussed up from the pillow and his eyes were hooded. It reminded me of how Miles looked when I woke him up in the middle of the night. I really shouldn’t be here. But something kept me frozen in place.
I watched as he grabbed a pair of glasses off his nightstand. I smiled when he put them on. “I didn’t know you wore glasses.”
“Only when I’m not wearing contacts.”
The air suddenly felt heavy, like there were a million things I needed to say if I wanted to be able to breathe again. Instead of saying anything, though, I closed the door behind me and walked over to his bed.
He pushed the covers back. “Just let me get dressed and we can talk.”
“I don’t want to talk.”
He got out of bed anyway and grabbed a t-shirt off the ground. I watched his abs disappear beneath it. No one should have been allowed to look that good in pajama bottoms and a t-shirt.
“I mean…I do want to talk. But I just want you to listen. I need to get some stuff off my chest.”
He stared at me from the other side of the bed. “Do you want to go for a walk?”
“No, it’s freezing out.” I looked down at his bed. I wanted to be curled up in it with his arms around me. V not opening his door was a blessing. My future was grim. And I didn’t belong in the past. For once in my life I needed to truly embrace the present. Eli was the only person that seemed to know how to do that.
There was so much I needed to say. I took a deep breath. “I’ve been in love with Miles Young since I was six years old.”
Eli lowered his eyebrows.
“I can’t even explain why. When I was a kid, I was just convinced for no reason in particular that he was the one for me. And I think I held on to that for all these years because he reminded me of home. But he doesn’t care about me anymore. Young love is supposed to fade. It didn’t for me because I lost so much. My head is messed up.”
“Summer…”
“But I don’t want to love him. I don’t. And I’m pretty sure a bigger part of me hates him for forgetting about me.” I shook my head. I wasn’t making sense. God, how could I make him understand? “He’s my past. I’m so sick of living in the past.
“And I think I became infatuated with V because I knew it could never be more. He always talked about borrowed time or some stupid crap like that. You know how he is.”
Eli pressed his lips together.
I shook my head. “But I think I hate him even more than I hate Miles.” At least Miles had never told me he loved me and taken it back. “He’s a murderer. He’s a monster. And I’m so scared of becoming like him.”
This wasn’t coming out right. Why was I talking about everyone but him? “I’ve been so confused. And so…stupid. I was so consumed with living in the past and trying to embrace this darkness that no one should ever want to embrace, that I completely missed what was right in front of me the whole time.”