I stared back down at the kitchen counter. Miles was the one person I wanted to hear the words from, but he didn’t say it. It felt like we had made love our last night together. I had told him that I loved him. But he had never actually said it back. And now he never would. I probably wouldn’t have believed him anyway. Clearly no one ever meant it when they said it to me.
“Are you going to stay away from him?” V asked.
“Who?” I kept my eyes glued to the kitchen counter.
“Miles Young.” His voice rumbled more than usual when he said the name.
I sighed and scooted off the stool. “I made Liza a promise.”
“So you won’t see him?”
I tossed out the rest of my apple and turned toward him. “When I say something, I actually mean it, V.”
He pressed his lips into a thin line.
Maybe I should have felt bad, because technically it was a lie. They had told me to stop seeing Miles before and I went behind their backs and told him everything. I had betrayed V’s trust. All of their trusts. But I didn’t feel bad at all. I’m pretty sure all four of us were compulsive liars.
“What is that supposed to mean?” he asked.
“Nothing. Forget I said anything.” I started to walk out of the kitchen, but he caught my wrist, stopping me. I immediately pulled my hand away.
“Would you please just talk to me? Something is clearly bothering you. If we could just talk…” his voice trailed off.
He regretted what he said four months ago. And I pretended it had never happened. I had assumed we had an unspoken understanding. “There’s nothing to talk about. I’m sorry, I just…really hate the snow.” It was true. It reminded me of what Don had taken from me. The last time I remembered enjoying a snow storm was with Miles. Both memories were just too painful.
“You hate the snow? That’s why you’ve been pushing me away for months?”
No. “Yes.”
“Why are you lying?”
“Me? Are you serious?” I could hear my voice starting to rise. “I’m not the liar in this equation, V.” I put his name in quotes.
“I haven’t lied to you about my name. I just haven’t told you…”
“What’s the difference?” I was losing my temper. I needed to go outside and feel the snow against my skin. I needed to remember why this conversation was insignificant, because right now it hurt. “I honestly don’t even care what your real name is. That isn’t what I’m upset about.” I stormed past him, grabbed my winter jacket off the hook, and ignored the sound of him following me.
“So there is something you’re upset about?”
Jesus. He was so dense. “What do you think, V? You called me Summer. You said that you loved me. And then literally less than 10 minutes after your confession, you started calling me Sadie again. You never spoke of loving me again. You backtracked so fast I thought I had imagined it. I’ve had to give up so much the past several months. I never thought I’d be forced to give you up too when you promised you weren’t going anywhere.” Everything I said was selfish. Because the whole time I was falling for him, I had already fallen for Miles and I was falling for Eli too. V shouldn’t love me. I was a monster. And I was about to be so much worse.
He just stared at me.
It annoyed me even more that he had nothing to say to defend himself. “So there you have it.”
He still said nothing.
I wanted to slap his stupid masked face. “Would you just put me out of my misery and tell me if you meant it?” My heart stammered against my chest.
“Sadie…”
I put my hand up. “That’s all you had to say.” I turned around. “Athena, open.” The window made a whirring noise and started to rise.
“I meant what I said in the moment,” V said from behind me. “If felt right to say it. I didn’t want to die without you knowing how I was feeling.”
I stepped outside onto the fire escape and turned back to him. So he had meant it? The gun suddenly felt heavy against my chest. I locked eyes with him. There was so much I wanted to say. I was just about to open my mouth when he started talking again.
“But I regretted it as soon as it came out of my mouth,” he said.
The snow swirled around me as it danced in the wind. Nothing good ever happened in the snow. I wasn’t even sure why I had gotten my hopes up. “Great. Thanks for clearing that up. See you later, V.”
But I wouldn’t. I strongly doubted that I’d see him ever again. I started to walk up the fire escape as the window whirred shut. Because today was the day. As soon as I heard the silence of the city I knew. Don Roberts had taken away my last hope in the snow. How great would it be for him to take his last breath in the silence?
Chapter 3
Sunday
I was going to kill Don today. I was finally going to do it. But there was one thing I needed to do first. I stared down at my old dorm building and waited. I needed to see Miles. Everything always came back to Miles. I shouldn’t have been here. It was wrong, but I couldn’t seem to stay away. Besides, it might be the last time I ever got to see him. If everything went right today, I’d be behind bars before sunset.
I watched as some blonde girl approached Miles and touched his arm. They laughed together about something I couldn’t hear. He grabbed one of her suitcases for her as they walked toward the dorm. I couldn’t hear their laughter, but his was easy to imagine. It was the kind that warmed my soul. The kind that made my stomach flip over. Coming here was definitely a mistake.
I exhaled and watched my breath mix with the snow in front of me, obscuring my vision of the two of them. I turned away from the dorm building. Miles was smiling again. Good for him. For years I thought he had forgotten about me. When I found out that he still wrote letters, all of that changed. I let myself believe in us again for the briefest of moments. But seeing him now? Apparently I was as easy to forget as I had originally assumed. The thought was numbing.
When I was far away from him, I felt strong. For the last few months all I'd been doing was training. I pretended that I was like freaking superwoman. Clearly I wasn’t though. I was weak. Just seeing him laughing with another girl made me want to break down and cry.
Once upon a time, being with him would have been all my dreams coming true. That wasn’t the case anymore. My dreams had become nightmares. And in every nightmare I had, it ended in one way: with Don taking his last breath.
I ran across the roof and leapt to the adjacent building. Running along rooftops was better than running through Central Park. Especially at night when it felt like I was running with the stars.
My feet slid along the slush that was forming on the roof. Running was going to be difficult today. It was going to take me longer than I anticipated to get to my post. I had spent too much time waiting for Miles to appear. If I missed out on my shot because of that, maybe it would finally get me to stop stalking him. Maybe I’d be filled with enough resentment to move on.
***
Did Miles like her? Stop. The gun shook in my hand. Miles didn’t matter. Nothing mattered but my plan. Where the hell was Don, anyway?
I pulled up the sleeve of my winter jacket and glanced at my watch. I had been on time, but Don was late. Or had he left early?