“All right, maybe for them,” Harry admits. “But I was glad when he brought it up.”
“You were?”
“Yeah.” He nods. “I’m glad that you’re going to be there tonight. And thank you for agreeing to be my date.”
Harry doesn’t drop my eyes, and my heart speeds up at his gaze.
“Don’t worry about it,” I reply, clearing my throat. “Honestly, I’m happy that I can be there for you.”
“Speaking of that …” Harry says, biting his lip.
“What’s wrong?”
“About the whole Olivia thing. My mum did want to invite her family, but I asked her not to. I sort of said that it would be weird for you, as my girlfriend, having my ex there.”
“You told your parents I was your girlfriend?” I ask, my voice rising in surprise.
“I know I shouldn’t have lied. I just felt cornered,” Harry replies. He nervously taps his fingers against his desk.
His eyes come back up to mine.
“You know that this has nothing to do with Olivia, right?” I ask quietly. “It has to do with you blaming her for things that happened in the past. That isn’t fair, Harry.”
“I know. And I talked to her about her family, like you suggested.”
“How did it go?”
“It was hard.”
My eyes want to slip over to Olivia, but I keep them on Harry instead. “Why?”
“We were together for a while. Of course I feel bad that she’s hurting. But it also doesn’t feel like my place anymore.”
“Since you’re not together?”
“Yeah.”
I nod, understanding where Harry is coming from.
“But you could be friends. You could talk and be there for one another without being together,” I offer.
“That’s what you think we should do?” Harry’s eyes come up to mine, his jaw setting in place.
“Yes,” I answer.
Harry glances in Olivia’s direction as he starts to speak. “Last night, my parents told me that they liked Olivia and were disappointed I ended things with her. That having a steady girlfriend shows my maturity.”
“Oh …” I say, piecing things together. “Is that why you told them about me?”
“It doesn’t matter what I do. If I were still with her, they would say she was a distraction from school. Nothing is ever good enough. But I shut them up when I said that I actually do have a girlfriend and that you’d be there with me. I’m sorry.”
Harry pushes his hands through his blond hair, and it’s easy to see he’s upset with himself.
“Don’t worry about it. I did say that I would be your date,” I reply, wanting to perk him up. Even though he lied to his parents about us dating, I understand why he did it. “I just don’t want to make it more confusing for us, you know?”
“I know.” Harry nods. “Part of me hoped that I’d be the boy who got his shit together for a girl. Now, I’m starting to wonder if I’ll be forced to do it for my father instead.”
“You should do it for yourself.”
“My dad couldn’t hide his disappointment last night.” Harry shakes his head. “All of this, it’s my doing. We have to put on a show as a family because I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. Because I didn’t do a good enough job of hiding my discontentment.”
“What did they want you to do?” I ask, growing upset. “Put makeup over your black eye? Not tell your mom the severity of the situation?”
Harry lets out a sad laugh. “Mum sat there the entire time, agreeing with every single thing my father said.”
“I thought this was just a show for her too? I thought she was on your side?”
“Apparently not. I shouldn’t have expected differently, and I never should have trusted her. Now, I wish I had never told her. At least things would be normal then,” Harry admits as the bell goes off.
“Normal isn’t good, Harry.”
“The worst fucking part is, tonight, I’m sure my dad will wrap his arm around my shoulders, acting like we’re close. I’ve stood in front of the mirror, pretending he’s there with his arm around me. Practicing not to flinch. He’ll praise me, laugh at jokes I never spoke.” Harry swallows, looking down at the desk. “And part of me is scared I’ll want that affection. What if I like it? It’s what I’ve always wanted, right? I know that it’s a lie, but I lied about you. What does that say about me?”
Harry looks at me, his eyes swirling with confusion.
I can see the conflict all over his face.
He’s scared that his dad will give him attention and that he will actually like it.
That in some messed up way, he’ll justify it to himself.
I grab on to Harry’s hand.
“It says that you’re human. You’re someone who wants to be loved by his parents. It makes you normal,” I reply.
Harry gives me a sad smile and quickly squeezes my hand before pulling back. He puts his palms on my shoulders, turning me toward the front of the classroom as Mr. Pritchard starts class.
Harry continues our conversation, now whispering in my ear, “I’m not normal though. I’m a Brooks. And in exchange for my name, I had to give up the expectation of love. Everything in my family is a business deal. A transaction. Nothing is a gift or given freely. I’ve had to learn that.”
“But you have us,” I say, glancing back at him. “And we’ll be there for you. Always.”
“I know,” Harry whispers back. “It’s the only thing that keeps me sane, honestly.”
I nod but don’t say anything because Mr. Pritchard glances in our direction. I seal my lips shut, drop my gaze back down to my notebook, and try not to think about tonight.
What I want.
Yoga
“Oh my god, I’ve been dying to talk to you alone all day,” Naomi says, rushing up to me in the changing room before class.
“We just had Geography together.” I laugh, forcing Harry and our conversation out of my mind.
“Yes. With Harry,” Naomi says, like I should know better.
“Okay. What’s up?” I ask, taking a sip of water.
“Mohammad kissed me,” she blurts out.
I choke on the water in my mouth and end up in a coughing fit.
“What?!” I finally get out when my throat clears.
“Yes!” Naomi grins.
“When?” I ask, sitting down.
“This morning. When we were watching the sunrise,” she gushes. “It was magical.”
“Magical?” I repeat, completely shocked.
“When you never came back, I wondered if it was going to be awkward. But it wasn’t awkward at all! We started talking, and I finally went for it.” Naomi grins.
“Wait, you kissed him?” I lean my back against the lockers, needing more support.
“Yeah.” She glances around us, lowering her voice. “I know that Olivia’s been telling you that if you feel something for Noah, you have to do something about it. That you have to tell him how you feel. So, I decided that her advice was right. If I fancy Mohammad, I might as well do something about it. I might as well kiss him. Show him what I want.”