“You’re smiling.”
Fuck. Koda forgot to hide his ridiculousness sometimes. “Yeah. You’re here.”
Felix didn’t respond right away. When he did, he had a hint of something unnamed in his voice. “Do you shop for yourself?”
Koda shifted uncomfortably. He didn’t know how he looked. Usually, he didn’t even think about it. “Yeah, but my mom always goes with me so I don’t buy dumb-looking shit. Why?” As the words left his mouth, Koda’s smile grew. His mom picked out his clothes and his men. He was a loser.
“I’ll have to thank her. You look sexy as fuck.”
An unexpected laugh burst from Koda. He wasn’t doing a good job at keeping his inner weirdo hidden today. “Yeah. She’d definitely be the person to thank. She’s responsible for the entire package, including me.”
Felix drew an audible breath. “Damn.”
Butterflies stirred in Koda’s stomach. With a single word from Felix, Koda felt closer to getting fucked than he had after hours of making out in the past. Every single thought of wiggling out of this relationship disappeared. He had to know what it was like to be underneath Felix. Koda bet money it would be without compare.
No matter how hard Felix tried, he couldn’t stop looking at Koda. He didn’t know how to explain it. There was nothing special about Koda’s outfit. Maybe it was the confidence he exuded. Koda carried himself like a man who knew his worth. Felix wanted to be close to him. After they reached Felix’s yacht, Koda’s demeanor changed. He didn’t move with the same surety as usual. It wasn’t until they were onboard and miles from shore that Felix realized his mistake. He truly had put Koda in a painful position. Koda couldn’t see, yet he had to stay upright on a moving boat. His features were pinched. Felix regretted choosing this outing. The last thing he wanted was to make Koda feel unsafe with him.
“I guess I should’ve taken us on a cliche date. It didn’t occur to me you would be this uncomfortable.”
Koda flashed Felix a tight smile. “It’s fine. I’m just feeling a little sick.”
Fuck. Felix had such high hopes for this date, but it wasn’t going well. More often than he liked, Felix was a fucking moron. “You should sit.” Felix led Koda to the couch and out of the heat. The craft wasn’t huge. Felix needed something he could handle alone. But the yacht still had a galley, living room, full bathroom, and bedroom. Once Felix had Koda settled, he grabbed Koda a bottle of water and some anti-nausea pills. “Here. Take these. It should help. I’m sorry I didn’t think this through.”
Koda snagged Felix’s shirt before he could get away and hauled him in for a kiss. “Don’t apologize. I love that you treat me like I have no limits.”
A chuckle rose in Felix’s throat. “As far as I’ve seen, you don’t. Seasickness isn’t a limitation. It’s a simple fix. If we decide to do this again, you can take something in advance and skip this part.”
Koda swallowed the pills and then clasped his head. Panic raced through Felix when Koda leaned over and put his head between his knees. They hadn’t been out for long at all. Felix felt like shit. Sometimes, he felt like he couldn’t do anything right.
“Do you think it would help if you did the whole lying down with one foot on the floor thing? You know, like when you’re drunk, and the room starts spinning.”
Koda nodded. He reached for Felix for help standing, making Felix realize how bad he truly felt. Koda did not like for people to help him. Felix let Koda choose how much weight he wanted to lean on Felix as he led him to the bed. Koda sprawled out with both feet on the floor and draped his arm over his eyes.
“Just give me a few minutes to adjust. I’m not used to the floor moving beneath my feet.”
Felix sat next to him. Despite Koda’s sickness, Felix liked staring at him. “Take your time. If you want, I can take us back in. There’s no reason for you to suffer. We could get some food delivered and be lazy the rest of the day.”
A sexy smile curved Koda’s lips. “It’s cool. I’m just getting my bearings.”
Felix turned sideways and sat cross-legged while staring at Koda. He was fine to sit there until Koda felt better or wanted to leave. “I know this isn’t going well, but thank you for not shutting the door in my face earlier.”
Koda still looked a little green, but he kept up his end of the conversation. “Well, I mean, according to you, we’re a couple now. That means I let you in when you stop by.”
A dry laugh fell from Felix’s lips before he could call it back. “Don’t pretend like you didn’t spend all night trying to figure out how to dump me.”
A humorless smile touched Koda’s lips. “Don’t pretend like you don’t know why I don’t trust anyone enough to date them.”
That hurt. Felix had cheated one time in his life. Once. No one understood him, and maybe he didn’t deserve to have a reason for what he had done. Maybe there was no good reason. He had been wrong, and now he would never deserve trust again.
Felix moved away and stood. “I should take us back to shore. There’s no way you can stay out here all night.”
“Don’t do that.”
Felix squeezed his eyes shut but kept his voice as light as possible. “Don’t do what? Try to take care of you?”
Koda dropped his arm. His expression was serious. It was obvious he wouldn’t let Felix blow this off. “That wasn’t a shot at you. You know I’m not like everyone else. I was around, hanging in the background when Megan cheated. You never noticed me, but I was there for how it broke you. You went from trying to sound happy all the time to not even bothering anymore. I was there when you fell for Cade, and I was there when he broke your heart. No one notices me, but I’ve been here the whole time. I know you’re not a cheat at heart. But I also know I’m not anyone’s first choice. I don’t want to start believing that I am. It has nothing to do with your past or you at all. In the eyes of everyone in this town, I am imperfect and… something to keep hidden, I suppose. I’m a guilty desire. A fetish. It’s not your fault I don’t know how to let anyone in. That’s what I meant by me not trusting anyone’s motives. It’s nothing to do with you.”
As someone whose name was complete shit in every L.A. circle, Felix understood what it cost Koda to make that admission. People in this town expected perfection. That was why Koda deserved to hear the truth. Koda was not a fetish or secret to him. “I knew I was in love with Megan by our third date. When she married me, I thought I had won the lottery. Then she wanted kids, and we struggled. No matter what we tried, it didn’t happen for us. That was why the happiness disappeared. At first, she hurt, and then she got mad. When I found out she had been sleeping with someone else, it broke me.” Felix hated having to tell this story, but he also had been dying from not sharing it with anyone. The words kept flowing. “Once it was my turn to hurt and turn bitter, I could see how much she hated me. I understood how it fed her to watch me suffer. She blamed me for stealing years of her life that she could’ve spent with someone capable of having kids. Then Cade thrust light into my life when I had nothing left to keep me going.” Felix ran his fingers through his hair and scrubbed at his scalp. He knew he sounded like a terrible person, but he didn’t stop. Koda deserved to know the real Felix. “I’ve made a lot of bad choices while trying to stay alive, and you’re right. You’ve always been there in the background and I didn’t notice. But that’s not because I think you’re imperfect; it’s because I’m flawed in every way. I know you don’t have any reason to trust that I want you for you and as you are, but I’m still asking you to give me a chance. I know I can care about you like no one else ever has. If that means taking you home so you don’t have to suffer on this boat, then that’s what I’m doing.”