“Is it okay if I touch you?”
Felix didn’t let him down. “Of course.”
Even as Koda rolled to his knees, intent on doing what he wanted before Felix changed his mind, he still felt the need to explain. Koda straddled Felix’s hips. “I’m always curious about people’s features, but it’s super rude to touch people. It’s an issue.” He moved slowly, so he wouldn’t poke out Felix’s eyes or anything. Koda gently stroked Felix’s nose and cheekbones, taking in his every feature. “Mom tells me you’re covered in tattoos.”
Felix snagged Koda’s waist and sat up. Clothes rustled and Felix settled back down. “I can help you with seeing those. Here.” Felix took Koda’s fingers and led them to his chest. “Right here, there’s a skull wearing dark blue sunglasses with the sun setting in the reflection of the lenses.” Felix traced the outline with Koda’s fingers, showing him how big it was. He moved to his ribs. “Here I have some sheet music.” He moved Koda’s fingers along each note.
Excitement raced through Koda. “Wait. Do it again.”
Felix obliged.
Koda read the music as Felix led. “It’s Franz Liszt.”
“Damn. You’re good.” Koda could hear the smile in Felix’s voice. “He was the very first rockstar. I couldn’t choose anything else.”
Koda needed more. He wanted every detail. “What’s next?” He didn’t try hiding his excitement.
Felix moved Koda’s hand to the opposite ribs. He used Koda’s index finger to draw the word written there. Koda’s forehead furrowed as Felix restarted the word, giving Koda time to figure it out for himself.
“Sinful?”
At Koda’s inquiry, Felix hummed. “Mhmm. Yep. That’s me. Well, that’s me, according to my father. He was a youth pastor, and he hated everything I did.”
Felix’s choice in words confused Koda. “Was? Has he passed?”
Felix flattened Koda’s palm against his chest and held it there. “Not as far as I know. My mom divorced him when I was sixteen after finding out he had been sleeping with all the teenage girls he was supposed to be counseling. I haven’t seen him since.”
Koda’s heart dropped. He had such a great family… with a few exceptions. Sometimes he forgot other people weren’t as lucky. “What about your mom?”
He felt Felix shrug. “She’s around. We see each other on holidays, but that’s about it. She’s always busy traveling and whatnot. I’m always busy working.”
Koda couldn’t leave it alone. “What made you decide to get that tattoo? Surely you don’t believe that’s true.”
“It is true,” Felix said without missing a beat and surprising Koda. “Not only is it true, it’s the best thing about me. I know he thought he was insulting me, but no. He considered my music choices too lustful and my bisexuality as going against God. I like who I am. I create songs that give people an escape. If that makes me sinful, then fuck yeah. That’s who I am.” The passion in Felix’s voice had Koda smiling. Then Felix’s voice turned sexy. “If being here with you makes me sinful, then I’m proud to wear the title.”
Koda smiled. He had to lighten the situation. Sometimes Felix said things that got a little too intense for Koda. “What’s that like? Being bisexual,” he added, clarifying his question.
A laugh burst from Felix, making Koda’s smile grow even larger. Felix toyed with Koda’s fingers. “I don’t really think about it, honestly. It’s always been like, damn, he’s hot, or wow, look at her. Truthfully, I’ve always been slightly more attracted to men than women, but it’s a lot more intimidating being with a man.”
Koda hadn’t expected that. “How so?”
He felt Felix shrug again. “I don’t know. Guys expect you to be perfect. They want you to look a certain way and be a certain way. If you’re bisexual, they automatically assume you’ll cheat with a woman. Yet they always want an open relationship so they can cheat with other men. Women are simpler. They just want someone who stays faithful and lets them eat what they want.” Felix’s voice turned sad. “Not that I’ve had a lot of luck with anyone of any sex staying faithful to me.”
Damn. Koda completely understood Felix’s hurt. Dating was like that. Everyone wanted perfection while never offering the same. Koda couldn’t let Felix be sad. He intentionally turned up the brightness. “Well, things are different for you now, buddy. I don’t give a fuck what you look like, because I can’t fucking see you.”
Felix’s mood didn’t lift. “What about the rest?”
Koda’s smile slipped away. He didn’t know if he would be any good at being in a relationship. But the idea of cheating or sharing made him sick, and he didn’t want that. Plus, he hated that bullshit. Koda only wanted Felix. That fucking terrified him. “I don’t see myself as the type to share or cheat, but—to be fair—I am the type to run.”
Silence met his confession. After a moment, Felix released a tired-sounding sigh. “Well, that’s legitimately depressing.”
The more they talked, the more nervous Koda became. His stomach shook. Still, Koda wasn’t ready to back down. He was too happy while straddling Felix’s hips with Felix toying with his fingers. A wild idea struck. “You know how you chased Cade when you two broke up?”
“Wow. We’re hitting all my best highlights today.”
Koda ignored the sarcasm in Felix’s voice. He had to run with this crazy plan before he changed his mind. “Be that intense with me.”
Felix laughed. The sound died away when Koda didn’t join in. “Wait. You’re serious.”
Even though it hadn’t been a question, Koda nodded. “Just hear me out. I don’t expect you to look perfect and I don’t want an open relationship, but I can’t promise I won’t run. So don’t let me.”
“Koda…” Felix sounded like he planned to say no. “… I really don’t want to look like a fool anymore.”
Koda got it. He wasn’t like Cade. Koda wasn’t perfect. He wasn’t worth chasing. “Oh. Okay. I just…” Koda didn’t know how to finish that sentence. He thought Felix was serious about dating him, but he couldn’t say that. He refused to look dumber than he already did. His pulse drummed in his ears. The panic he had avoided for a long time came racing back to the surface. Koda was hours from home and Felix had driven. This was a worst-case scenario for him. He was trapped with someone who didn’t want him in a place too far to easily get home. Goddamn. This was why he didn’t date. He was always at a disadvantage. How had he left himself get into this position?