She waited for me to respond to what she’d said.
I didn’t have a response, even though I’d imagined this conversation a million times in my head, when she’d come back to me and admit she was wrong, that she still loved me, had never stopped. Whenever I pictured this moment, I always took her back, always. But now that it actually happened…that wasn’t my first impulse.
“Please say something…”
I stared at her teary eyes.
“Please, please give me another chance. I know I don’t deserve it. I know…I know I don’t. But you’re right, if this never happened, we would still be together right now. We would still be happy—”
“If you hadn’t left me, then none of this would have happened. If you hadn’t packed your bags and moved out, none of this would have happened. If you hadn’t rejected marriage counseling, none of this would have happened. Your father died, but his death didn’t rip us apart. It was your response to it.”
She closed her eyes, and new tears dripped down her cheeks.
“I can’t count the number of times my phone lit up and I wished it were you and not someone else. When people came to my front door, my heart jumped because I thought you were finally coming back to me, but it was always someone else checking on me, always someone else making sure I was okay—never you. Months passed, and I continued to wish. Three months turned into six, and even then, I was still desperately in love with you, would take you back in a heartbeat. But then six turned to nine…and the hope dwindled. And then a year happened, and…everything changed.” I suddenly thought of Sicily, the person who put my life back together, who was there for me every single day, pushing me forward, believing in me…always. “I moved on…mostly.”
She wouldn’t look at me again.
“I give so much to other people, have dedicated my life to strangers, have pledged to heal people with everything I have. I deserve to have someone who’s going to give me that dedication, through the good, the bad, and the everything.” And there was only one person I’d ever met who was willing to do that with a goddamn smile on her face. “I deserve more, Catherine.”
“I was completely dedicated to you before my father—”
“And you abandoned me. You have no idea what the guilt did to me. It ripped me apart. I stopped taking care of people who needed me because I was so scarred by the way you made me feel. I have to live with that for the rest of my life, knowing patients couldn’t get quality care because I was so incapacitated by what you’d done to me. It’s easy to be committed when things are good, but what really defines you is what you do when things are bad. We tried to get pregnant, and it didn’t happen for us like we thought it would. Was I disappointed? Yes. But did I ever make you feel like it was your fault? Like you were less of a woman? If you could never get pregnant, you think I would have loved you any less? No, Catherine. Even if you were infertile and we could never have children, I would have counted my blessings every single day that we were together.”
Now she started to cry, her hand over her mouth to suppress it as much as possible.
“If I could undo what happened, I probably would. Because I was deliriously happy married to you. If I could just make that go away, erase it from history and our minds, I would. But I can’t do that, Catherine. It happened, and over a year has gone by. And if you’d come to me sooner, I would have taken you back in a heartbeat…but you didn’t.” I couldn’t believe I was saying these things to the love of my life, the woman I loved more than life itself, the woman who claimed my heart from the moment I saw her. “I need to be with someone who’s going to be there when things are bad…not just when things are good.”
“Dex, it was a mistake. I would never risk losing you again. Ever. Please…”
I dropped my gaze because I couldn’t watch her cry. It physically hurt me, because even now, I still loved her.
“Give me another chance. We can be what we were. I would never leave you again.”
A part of me believed we were worth fighting for, that a fluke had ripped us apart, but I just couldn’t.
Because of Sicily.
Because I knew that would never happen with her. That she wouldn’t make a mistake like that in the first place, that she would treasure me every single day, appreciate me. “Catherine…I’m sorry. I won’t change my mind.”
Now she covered her face with both palms and quietly sobbed in front of me.
I couldn’t count the number of times I’d sobbed alone in my apartment, missing my wife, nursing my broken heart, wishing she would come through the door and tell me she was there. She would always be there.
I did the only thing I could.
I got up and left her there.
By the time I got to the front door of my parents’ condo, it was 10:30.
Both of my parents were asleep because they worked early in the morning, but I knew they wouldn’t care. I pulled up my dad’s name on my phone and called him.
He answered by the second ring, his voice clear like he hadn’t been asleep at all. “Everything alright, son?”
“Can we talk? I’m outside.”
He hung up.
A moment later, he opened the door, in just his sweatpants, his hair messy like he had been asleep. He guided me inside and gently shut the door so it wouldn’t wake up my mother down the hallway. “You okay?” His hands went to my arms, and he looked me over like he expected to see physical injuries somewhere. “What is it, son? Talk to me.”
“Um…I just saw Catherine.”
Both of his hands dropped from my arms. “You ran into her somewhere?”
“No, she asked to see me.”
His expression immediately tightened.
“We went to a coffee shop… I just left there.”
“What did she want?” All sympathy left his voice. Now he almost sounded threatened.
“First, to apologize…and then to ask if we could work it out.”
He turned away and walked toward the couch before he dropped onto one of the cushions. His forearms rested on his knees, and then he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. “And your response?”
I sat on the other couch, perpendicular to him. “I said no.”
His head immediately snapped in my direction, and there was no denying the surprise in his eyes.
“If this were a year ago, my answer would have been yes. Nine months ago, yes. Six. Even three…but not now.”
He closed his eyes for a brief moment, sighing in relief. “It’s not my place to tell you what to do, but…you made the right decision. I hope that conversation gave you the closure you needed.”
“Yeah, I guess it did.” I stared at the coffee table for a while, remembering all the times we would both come over here as a couple, and my father loved her the way he loved Emerson and Daisy.
“What are you thinking?”
I lifted my chin and looked at him again. “I’m not sure. A part of me thinks that if you really love someone the way I loved her, you should give them a second chance and try again. We all make mistakes. We’re human. You know, Derek basically lost his goddamn mind and did a lot of crazy shit…but Emerson took him back when anyone would have told her not to. Because she loved him. And then Derek was fucked up for a decade because he couldn’t let the past go, because he loved Kevin but just couldn’t bring himself to forgive him. If you really love someone, you should let it go.”