She sat in the armchair facing my desk, making notes on her tablet. “Morning.” She purposely didn’t look at me, like that would make it less tense for us to be in the same room together.
“Morning.” I sat down behind my desk and grabbed my coffee. I didn’t touch my food because I’d permanently lost my appetite after yesterday.
She rattled off things that required my attention, going over the call list, virtual follow-up appointments that I had, and a couple other things. She read off her screen, continuing to avoid eye contact.
When I thought about the two of them together, it made my throat and stomach line with acid. It didn’t matter who the guy was. This would have been my reaction, regardless. I used to tell her everything, and now I kept my thoughts and feelings to myself…and that hurt too.
She looked up when I didn’t say anything. “Dex?”
I met her look.
She met mine.
It lasted a while, awkward and painful, like we were both thinking the same thing.
I powered through it. “I saw Catherine last week.”
She inhaled a sharp breath at my announcement, the awkwardness gone because it was replaced by shock. “Oh my god…” She let the tablet fall flat onto her thighs because her fingertips lost their grip.
“She apologized to me…said she made a mistake…and wanted me back.”
Her eyes slowly dropped, as if visualizing the scenario. “That was what you wanted to talk about yesterday…”
“Yeah.”
She gave a slight nod but kept her gaze down. “Dex, it’s your life. Do what you want. Do whatever makes you happy. But I think you deserve someone who wouldn’t take a year to realize her mistake, and preferably, someone who wouldn’t make that mistake in the first place—”
“I didn’t take her back.”
She took a couple breaths before she lifted her chin and looked at me.
“If this were a couple months ago, I probably would have. Every time I’d imagined her coming back to me, I always took her back. But when it actually happened…that wasn’t my response. It didn’t feel right. And I know the only reason it didn’t feel right is because of you.”
Her breathing started to deepen, her eyes wide and staring, like she needed more time to process what I said before she could react.
So, I waited—patiently.
But a response never came. Her eyes eventually dropped again.
“Baby?” The name floated out of my mouth, bouncing off my tongue like a cloud.
She lifted her gaze and looked at me again. “What…what does that mean?”
“It means…that I choose you.” Without Sicily, I would have taken Catherine back in a heartbeat, despite what she did. But my feelings for Sicily cast doubt, made me realize I would regret not seeing where this could go, that maybe we could have what my parents had, what my brother had.
She didn’t look thrilled or relieved—at all.
Was I an idiot for thinking she would jump back into my arms and forget about Zach? I was disappointed, when I shouldn’t have had any expectations in the first place.
“Dex…” She shook her head slightly. “I just… I don’t want to be a choice.”
My eyes narrowed in confusion.
“I want to be the only one in your heart—so there is no choice. It’s just me…and that’s it.”
When she put it like that, I realized it was a shitty thing to say.
“You deserve to be with someone who loves you wholeheartedly and unconditionally, who’s not going to betray you for any reason. But I realize…I deserve that too. I want to love a man the way your mom loves your dad—and be loved the way he loves her. The way Derek loves Emerson. To know that I was always the one, that I was always the one you couldn’t live without. I want to be loved the way you love Catherine…that’s what I want. And as much as I love you…” She dropped her gaze, her eyes watering.
I closed my eyes because that was a blow to my heart. It was the first time she’d ever said that to me, and she said it in the most painful way.
“I don’t want to be an option. I don’t want you to pick me because I treat you the way you deserve. I want you to love me with that all-consuming, passionate, have a picture of me in a box stuffed in your closet kind of way.” She lifted her eyes, her cheeks wet now. “Not just because I’m better for you.”
Fuck, I hated myself. Loathed myself.
“I liked Dom, and then you kissed me…and I didn’t think about him again. There was no choice. It was always you. But then you dumped me, and it hurt…so much.” More tears came.
It hurt me a million times more to see her cry than it did with Catherine.
“It hurt because all she had to do was get engaged, and you were completely lost. You shouldn’t have cared in the first place—”
“You’re absolutely right. I don’t disagree with any of that. But you’re also forgetting a vital part of the story. You knew how I felt about Catherine before you made your move. You told me you didn’t care, that you were happy to take it slow, that you were fully aware of my situation and you wanted to be with me, regardless. I never would have kissed you if you hadn’t done that. You rushed it when you shouldn’t have. Then I rushed it too. Because there’s no denying that we’re great together, that we want to be together, that this could be damn perfect…if the timing was right.”
Her tears stopped, and she stared at me.
“I wanted you the moment I saw you, and I never acted on it because I knew full well that I couldn’t give you what you deserved. The only reason that changed is because you said you were okay with it—”
“Well, I’m not anymore…”
“Okay, that’s fine.” I just didn’t want her to portray me as some big asshole when I was more of a smaller asshole. “The timing…isn’t right.” If only I’d met her a few years later or met her before Catherine, it would have worked. “We both know it. Maybe we can try again later, when I’m in the right place to give you all of me, my entire heart, my soul. I can’t see myself ever wanting anyone the way I want you, so maybe when I’m finally in that place…we could have that.”
“You can’t expect me to wait around—”
“I don’t.” I didn’t want to think about her with Zach or somebody else. I wanted her to be mine, right now, but I didn’t deserve her…and I might never deserve her. “I know a woman worth waiting for doesn’t wait for anyone else.”
For being a smart guy, I’d fucked up my life pretty badly.
Quite the accomplishment.
After my conversation with Sicily, she left the research facility and went elsewhere. She clearly needed space from me—and I thought space was good for both of us. She didn’t even bring me lunch, but my mini fridge always had snacks that I could scarf down. But it was still a huge change in my life when she wasn’t there, not because she didn’t bring me food, but because I didn’t get to talk to her over lunch.
I looked forward to it every day.
I spent the next few days going through the motions, a little numb, just doing my job and then going home as soon as possible. Instead of replaying and reanalyzing my conversation with Catherine a million times, all I could think about was Sicily.