“I’m not counseling you.”
“Perfect, because I didn’t ask for your input, nor do I need it.”
Her heart raced. Blood roared in her ears. “I haven’t been able to work in weeks. I haven’t had a chance to do anything for myself this week. And you’d said my work was important, too—”
“It is. But the weekends are mine. They’re when I work.”
“No, hotshot. The weekends are when I work, too. Or at least, when I’m supposed to work.”
“I don’t know what to say. I don’t have time for this. I need to go.”
“And what am I supposed to do?”
“Whatever you want to do. You’ve got your own car here, you can go back to the motel, and wait for the day to end. Or, you could sit in the stands, watch the rodeo.” He paused, flashed a smile that wasn’t particularly friendly. “Cheer me on.”
“You have responsibilities, Billy Wyatt.”
“And apparently so do you.”
*
Erika fumed as she drove back to the motel, thinking the last thing she wanted to do was sit in the stands and watch grown men ride and rope and do whatever else they did. Even though she’d been raised in Clovis, California, she wasn’t a fan of rodeos, and didn’t love anything about cowboy culture. She couldn’t even imagine how competing in small rodeos across the country could pay bills. It didn’t seem remotely like a real job.
Erika’s parents had been firmly middle class. They’d owned their own business in downtown Riverside, an escrow company her mom helped manage with her dad. Erika held numerous jobs throughout high school, something that proved essential when her parents divorced her senior year after discovering her mother—of all people—had been having an affair. The divorce was acrimonious and protracted and by the time they’d sold the business Erika’s freshman year of college, there wasn’t much left after all the legal fees. Her mother moved with her new love to a beach community in Oregon, and her father moved to Atlanta, wanting to get as far away from the West Coast as possible—which turned out to mean, getting away from her as well.
Arriving back at the motel, Erika discovered housekeeping was in her room, and she took the baby carrier and diaper bag to the motel’s reception where she could find a discrete corner to sit and give Beck a bottle. The middle-aged woman at the reception desk was cheerful and talkative, asking Erika about Beck’s age and commenting on how he seemed like a really good baby.
Erika flashed a quick smile as she lifted Beck from his car seat and sat him up on her lap. She could feel his wet diaper and needed to change him, but would wait until she was back in her room. “He is a good baby,” she agreed, fixing his bottle next. “As long as you keep his tummy full, he’s a happy guy.”
“Typical man,” the motel receptionist retorted.
Erika smiled and popped the bottle’s nipple into the baby’s mouth. “Are you from Boise?” she asked, just being conversational.
“Born and raised,” the woman said proudly.
“This is my first time here. Beautiful area. Love the mountains.”
“Here for the rodeo?”
Erika wasn’t sure how to answer that. Finally, she said, “I’ve a friend in town.”
“Well, if you’ve got time, check out the rodeo. It’s a lot of fun. There should be some bleacher seats open. I’m heading over as soon as I get off work.”
“I don’t know much about the rodeo,” Erika confessed, and that much was true. She’d never actually watched one, although she’d come close today, but Billy had made her so angry that she wasn’t going to sit there and watch him, not after he’d been something of a jerk.
“I’m a fan. I go every year.” The woman leaned across the counter. “Some of those boys are good-looking. In fact, some of the families and friends stay here. You’ll see them pulling in later. You can recognize them by their hats and boots.”
April came to mind. April in the photo book, naked save a cowboy hat. Suddenly Erika wanted to be anywhere but sitting here. She put Beck back in his car seat, clicked the straps into place and lifted the seat and diaper bag. “I’m sure my room is ready by now,” she said. “Thanks for letting me hang out here for a bit.”
“Thanks for the company. Don’t forget to check out the rodeo later. You’ll be glad you did.”
The sun and excitement must have worn Beck out because once they were back in the cool motel room, and Erika had drawn the blackout curtains, Beck fell asleep and slept for hours.
Erika told herself this would be the perfect time to work, but she was too upset. Too frazzled. Too frustrated.
She flopped on the queen-size bed and tried to nap herself, but she couldn’t relax, her brain spinning this way and that.
She hated being mad. She hated that awful hot almost out of control feeling she felt when her temper flared. She’d never given in to outbursts when growing up—she wasn’t allowed the luxury—and she’d learned to bottle everything inside. But as she grew up, and learned to live independently, she’d begun trying to deal with her emotions instead of just smashing them down and going numb.
She wasn’t numb now. She felt emotional and angry and incredibly confused.
She’d been adamant about uniting Beck with his father. She’d also been adamant that she wasn’t going to get attached to Beck. She wasn’t looking to be a single mom. She wasn’t looking to be a mom, not for years, not until she’d met other goals, and they were goals that had to be accomplished in the proper order.
Graduate degree.
Work.
Build career, build financial security.
Date.
Meet someone solid and trustworthy.
Have a long engagement, develop relationship.
Get married.
Spend a few years as a couple, focusing on marriage.
Then get pregnant and start a family.
There were steps to be taken, steps that would ensure she wasn’t making a mistake, or rushing into anything.
Because school had been her number one priority, Erika hadn’t been dating. Her last ‘boyfriend’ had been almost three years ago, and her last date fourteen months ago, and that date, tepid and uninspiring, made her realize she’d rather be alone than with someone who bored her. And so she wrote off men and dating until she’d accomplished more of her goals, and she’d been focused exclusively on her goals until April died and she got the call that she was April’s backup plan for Beck.
For the past month Erika’s goals, those goals she’d carefully nurtured, had been shoved to a back burner, but she couldn’t leave her goals there.
She couldn’t leave herself on the back burner.
If she had the means, if she thought she could support Beck, she’d pack him up and head back home right now. She’d let Billy find her and come up with a parenting plan that made sense, but until then, she’d take care of Beck the way she always had—with love and patience.
Even if she hadn’t become attached to Beck, she still wouldn’t like the thought of him living in a trailer, traveling from rodeo to rodeo. That was no life for a baby.
If Billy settled down, if he took a job, for example, on a ranch like the Wyatt ranch, or even better, settled down in Montana on the Wyatt ranch itself, he could be a proper parent.