“Okay then, Sarah.” He chuckled as if he thought I was crazy. “Did you get hit on the head or something?”
“What’d you mean did I get hit on the head?”
“You’re just talking crazy.”
“How am I talking crazy? Because I want to wear sexy lingerie to bed?”
“Lingerie is for one purpose and one purpose only. It is worn to turn a man on because she wants to have sex with him. One, you have no man, and two you’ve never had sex. So what is the point of you wearing lingerie?”
“Oh my gosh, Harry. You’re a pig. Do you hear the words coming out of your mouth? Do you really think that all women want is to turn a man on?” I rolled my eyes at his words. “Maybe I want to turn myself on, Harry, have you ever thought about that? Some women try and please themselves.”
“Okay, Sarah, is this your way of telling me that you enjoy the art of masturbation?”
“Oh my gosh,” I shouted through the phone and inside I was thinking, I’m glad I bought these presents, I’m glad that you’re going to be embarrassed like you’ve never been embarrassed before because you are an asshole, Harry Parker Huntington.
Instead I just said, “Harry, I’m not going to go back and forth about this with you. Can you give me their names, please? So I know who to address these cards to.”
“Okay Sarah, sure, one second.” He paused. “And thank you for doing this, I really appreciate it.”
“Oh, of course, Harry it’s been my pleasure.” He told me of the names of the women and then we hung up the phone as I was still seething. I shook my head as I thought about our relationship and how much of an ass he could be sometimes. I hadn’t bought any lingerie, I’d just been joking with him, but the fact that he’d said that I couldn’t wear lingerie just for myself, well, I’d show him. Once I’d written the cards, I’d go out and buy the sexiest, most expensive revealing lingerie that I could find. And then one night when he came over, I’d accidentally be wearing it and lying on the bed and then I’d show him then he’d have to eat his words. I didn’t have to wear lingerie for a man. I could wear lingerie for me. I was a strong, independent woman. And just because I didn’t have a man to wear lingerie for, that didn’t mean that was the only reason why I should or could wear it. I’d show Harry. I’d be sexy for myself and maybe I would join a dating app like my friend, Gemma. She was meeting lots of hot guys. I’d love to take the smug look off of Harry’s face by introducing him to the many hot guys I could be dating.
I took a couple of deep breaths and then sighed. I was getting upset and I didn’t want to get upset. I wanted to keep my sense of humor and lightheartedness. So I went to the kitchen and I got myself a glass of red wine before going back to sit down, I opened the first card that had a picture of a reindeer and Santa Claus on it and then opened it. I looked at my notecard and grabbed my pen; the first girl’s name was Lisa and I decided that Lisa would be the lucky recipient of the dildo. I took a couple of deep breaths and thought for a few moments and then I wrote:
To my dearest Lisa,
Merry Christmas. I hope you enjoy this gift, it is a double-sided, 12-inch dildo. I got it for you so that you can enjoy having some fun with a large penis before you’re with me, because once you’re with me sexually, you’ll be very let down; unless you like micropenises. But I don’t want to turn you off with my size or lack thereof, don’t forget I have a lot of money and I’m very good-looking. So even though sex with me won’t be so great, the dildo will make up for that.
All my love,
Harry Parker Huntington
I laughed as I re-read the card. The message was quite long, but it got the point across. It wasn’t as succinct as I would like it to be, but I didn’t care. Harry wasn’t paying me to be succinct with my words. I couldn’t wait to see Lisa’s face when she read the card. I frowned as I remembered I would only get to hear about Lisa’s face when she opened the present. I knew Harry would be absolutely horrified and I couldn’t wait to hear about it. I opened the second card and decided to write this one to Denise. I’d give her the swingers club tickets. I thought for a few seconds and then I wrote:
To my darling beautiful Denise,
Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy Hanukkah, if you celebrate that. I thought long and hard about what I wanted to get us for Christmas. I wanted it to be something we’d both enjoy; something that would possibly make you see me in a new light. Enclosed are two VIP tickets to a swingers club, a club where you will be sexually satisfied by as many men as you want and I will be as sexually satisfied by as many women as I want. Yes, this is something that will give us both pleasure. I hope that we can go soon.
All my love and soon all my loving,
Harry Parker Huntington
I couldn’t stop myself from giggling as I re-read the second card and took a couple more gulps of wine. Harry was going to absolutely kill me, but it was worth it. I opened the last card and looked at the books that I had gotten. Three different Weight Watchers recipe books. I didn’t want to be cruel because as a woman that actually had a few of pounds to lose, I didn’t really like people commenting on my weight, but Harry didn’t date anyone that was overweight. These three women were all models or actresses. They could stand a little bit of kidding. Even as I started to write that card, I did feel a little guilty. So I decided to not be as blatant as I was in the other cards.
To my darling, beautiful Kim,
Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and a Festive Kwanzaa to you. And don’t forget about the Festivus for the rest of us. Yes, that’s a lot of holidays, isn’t it? A lot of good food. So I got you some cookbooks to enjoy just in case you want to lose a couple of pounds in the new year. Can’t wait to see you soon.
Lots of love,
Harry Parker Huntington
I re-read it, and nodded to myself, it was smart, funny and it wasn’t too mean though I’m sure the girlfriend would absolutely hate it. And that was fine by me. I sealed the cards and then quickly jumped up and grabbed the bags so that I could wrap the presents and get them ready before Harry came to pick them up. I couldn’t wait to see what would happen at the gift exchange, but it would never happen if Harry knew the items I had gotten. It crossed my mind that maybe the women would enjoy the presents and that made me cringe. I would absolutely die if the women actually liked the presents. But that would be just my luck. Harry was most probably dating a bunch of freaks that would be really excited about the gifts just because they were from him.
But I still had hope that they would all hate them and tear into him for his thoughtless gifts. That would teach him. Hopefully if my plan went well, they’d all be absolutely pissed off and Harry would never ask me to be his personal assistant/servant again. I took one more gulp of wine and then I decided I was going back out. I still had Harry’s credit card and I had some lingerie to buy. I was going to make sure that I bought the sexiest lingerie I could find. Take that Harry, you’ll never take advantage of me again. As I walked out of the door, it crossed my mind that he might not speak to me for a few weeks as well.
Chapter 7
Harry
I loved Christmas in the city. There were lights everywhere. The big tree was up outside Rockefeller Center with millions of twinkling lights and decorations. The city was always the most festive when it was the holiday season and it made me feel happy. I had so many past Christmas memories that made me feel joyful and like I was on top of the world. One of my favorite memories of Christmas was when Sarah and I had gone down to FAO Schwarz and camped outside waiting for some new toy she’d wanted when she was ten. I can’t even remember what it was. I just remember how excited we were to be standing there waiting. It didn’t even matter that she was a girl and I was a guy. We’d been best friends and gender had never seemed to interfere with our friendship. She’d always been there for me. I’d always been there for her. She’d always done what I wanted to do and we had so many shared memories. Our friendship made me happy and I knew I was lucky that we had grown into adults and were still as close as we’d been when we were kids. Sarah was the best friend that any guy could ever ask for. And she’d proven it yet again by buying three awesome presents for my three girlfriends though technically, I didn’t consider them girlfriends. I just considered them women I was casually dating because they accompanied me to functions. I hadn’t even slept with any of them because I didn’t want any of them expecting more from me. But that was fine by me. I didn’t want or need a girlfriend right now. I reached Sarah’s building and I walked into the lobby, looking around at the decorations in amusement. There was a table with a manger to the right of the front desk and a huge Christmas tree with a twinkling star at the top.