“Kevin and I are going down the mountain. Anything you need from the store?”
Gabe’s innocuous question took me by surprise and my gaze shot to his.
Big mistake.
He had big brown eyes, and from the way he was looking at me, they were far too knowing. I wasn’t sure what exactly he knew but whatever it was, I was sure I didn’t want him to know.
“Groceries?” I asked.
“Yeah, and we’ll hit a store if you need clothes.”
I needed clothes desperately. I was freezing. Luckily, Rhode had some gloves and beanies stashed in the closet. But my thin coat did nothing to fend off the cold which meant I could only go outside for short periods before I got so cold I had to come back inside. The truth was, I could layer on every piece of clothing I had with me and I would still be too cold to explore around the house. And being stuck inside close to Owen was wearing on me. That meant I spent a lot of time alone in the bedroom staring at the ceiling because there weren’t any TVs in the cabin.
“Thanks for the offer but I’m fine,” I lied, not wanting to take any more charity.
“Listen, Sarah—” Gabe abruptly stopped and his all-too-knowing eyes once again took me in. “I heard what you said.”
“What?”
“About you pretending to not be a Pollaski.”
My insides seized and my breathing picked up. Not liking the direction of the conversation but not having any way to stop Gabe, I remained rooted in place. Silent, like always.
“I don’t get you,” he muttered and I got the sense he was disappointed in me.
Which was absurd.
When the silence stretched way beyond uncomfortable I broke.
“What don’t you get?” I whispered.
“Why you’re making everything so hard.”
“I’m not…” I stopped before I could finish my lie.
I was making everything difficult but I wasn’t doing it on purpose. At least I didn’t think I was.
“I don’t know what to say,” I admitted. “I don’t understand why any of you would help me. That doesn’t mean I’m not grateful, especially to Owen. But I don’t get it. I’m trash, and when you all had the chance to get rid of me, you didn’t. Why?”
“I think that’s the only time since I’ve met you, you’ve answered a question honestly.”
He probably wasn’t wrong but it still hurt to be called a liar, even in a roundabout, back-handed way. Though I was that, too.
“You don’t think you're worthy of kindness?” he asked instead of answering my question.
“No.”
“More honesty,” he mumbled and I shrugged.
“You do remember my own blood sold me, right? I don’t believe anyone does something for nothing. That’s not the way the world works. But for the life of me, I can’t figure out why Owen would take me in. Why all of you helped him. Why Zane Lewis would pay for all this.” I stretched my arms out and motioned to the room. “All he had to do was let me go back and the nightmare would be over.”
“And you’d be dead.”
Well, there was that. But I wasn’t going to confirm or insult Gabe by denying that would happen when we both knew that was a very high possibility.
“My suggestion—stop trying to figure out the why and start paying attention to what’s going on around you. The way you grew up is not the way of the world. It was fucked and only got worse for you. I get you don’t want to trust what’s happening but if you opened your eyes you’d see it. Not a single one of us wants a damn thing from you. Most especially Owen.”
Damn, that hurt so bad it sizzled down my spine until I had to slump forward to alleviate some of the pain. It was good Owen didn’t want anything from me because I had nothing to give.
“Natasha?” Gabe rumbled and my gaze sliced back to his. “I see you misunderstood what I meant.”
“I didn’t,” I rushed out. “I know he’s a good man and I’m sorry if I insinuated something different. As much as I can trust, I trust Owen. I know he’d never want anything in return for being nice to me. I don’t have anything to give and he knows that. He took me and gave me a safe place. I appreciate that more than I can say.”
“Nat—”
“Have you ever needed help?” I whispered.
“I’m—”
“Like, really needed it? Been forced to accept charity because you had nothing?”
Oh, God, what was I doing?
“Babe—”
“It’s hard,” I choked out. “It's so hard because I need help. I have nothing and I’m so tired. So I took everything Owen was offering. I took the safe place because I’ve never, not once in my life, laid my head down and known I was safe. I’ve never woken up without crushing fear about what that day would bring except the mornings I’ve woken up next to Owen. I don’t mean to be difficult. I don’t mean to make everyone’s life hard but I’m scared straight down to my soul that if I let myself believe when the pain comes back—and it always does—it will be more than I can bear. I need silence, it’s the only protection I have. I learned early on I’m to be seen and not heard. I learned to keep my mouth shut no matter what. No. Matter. What.”
“Okay, Nat. I’ll give you that for now. But just to say, at some point you’re gonna have to explain what that means. And not to me, to Owen. I think you know he deserves to hear that from you. But I’ll leave you with this—yes, I’ve needed help. Yes, I know the bitter taste when you’re forced to take handouts because you have no other choice. So from where I’m standing, consider my part in keeping you safe payback. Me paying back the kindness strangers showed me when I had nothing, allowing me to have what I have now. That’s how the world works, Nat. Give and take. And one day, when you’re clear of this you’ll find your way to pay back the kindness you received by giving it to someone who needs it.”
Before I could come up with something to say Gabe stepped around me and strode through the living room then disappeared. A moment later I heard the front door open and I stood there thinking Gabe had the right idea. I really wished I had a warm coat so I could go for a long walk to clear my head.
That was twice in so many days that two separate people essentially told me the same thing. Okay, there was no essentially about it, Owen and Gabe had both told me to start paying attention. The issue was, I was paying attention.
I knew my place.
Or did I?
No, of course, I did. I was not to be heard. Little girls who made too much noise got punished. Women who spoke without permission or when not directly spoken to got pain. I knew this. So why did I want to scream at the top of my lungs? Why did I want to rage at the universe for sticking me with people who were filthy, nasty demons? Why did I want to explain everything to Owen so he’d understand I wasn’t trying to make his life misery, I was trying to protect him the only way I could? I was keeping him safe by not telling him my secrets.
Lies.
All lies.
I wasn’t telling him because if he knew, he’d turn his back on me and I couldn’t stand to see him look at me like I was less than the nothing he already thought I was.