I glanced at the smoldering embers in the fireplace and let my imagination run free. What if I was free to be me, the me I wanted to be, not who I was born as? I wouldn’t ever have wanted to live in a cold, sterile brownstone. I wouldn’t have wanted marble floors, or wainscoting, or crystal chandeliers. I looked around the living room of the cabin and took in the log walls and the wood floors, then up to the planked ceiling. Beautiful to visit but too rustic. Too much brown. Too earthy, even though it was homey. No. If I wasn’t born a Pollaski and I was free to be just me I would choose Owen’s home. Roomy but not too big. Four bedrooms. No formal living room or dining room no one spent any time in. No library, no parlor, no fancy dressing area. Just a pretty home on a nice street. Comfort all around. Safety. Love. Home. That was all I’d ever wanted.
“Babe?” Owen called and I jerked from my silly daydream.
“Hey.”
“You okay?”
Concern.
That was all I saw. Gone were yesterday’s impatience and the day before that’s irritation.
Just concern for just me.
“I’d never worn sneakers until you bought me my first pair,” I blurted out bizarrely.
“Come again?”
“Well, when I was a little girl I might’ve, though I doubt it. I was always required to wear a skirt or a dress. Sandals. Ballet flats. Mary Janes. And always heels after I turned eighteen. Even in the winter when there was snow on the ground. Pumps or heeled boots. Never flats and certainly never sneakers. And jeans were only to be paired with a blouse and a blazer and only if staying in and there wouldn’t be guests. Skirts and dresses for leaving the house and entertaining. So I owned a few pairs of jeans but I was never allowed to wear them like I do now. And I always had to have my hair and makeup done. A minimum of three pieces of jewelry. Ears, throat, wrist. No exception, staying in or leaving the house. Though if it was formal, it was always diamonds. Ears, throat, and wrist. I could add a strand of something else if it complemented my diamonds but a Pollaski never attended a society function without diamonds. Wealth and manners were always to be on display. Both my father and uncle demanded it. Pussy was to remain silent until spoken to. Pussy was to accept whatever form of appreciation offered, be it a lewd comment, invitation to dinner, or a fuck in the coatroom. Compliance was non-negotiable, but gratuity was expected. Pussy wasn’t limited to my father’s stable; it included his wife, then his daughter, our household staff, anyone and everyone under the umbrella of Barny Pollaski was available for a price. I had no choices in his house, none in my uncle’s. So thank you for buying me my first pair of sneakers. I appreciate them more than I can express.”
Owen’s green eyes bore into mine. The longer he stared at me without blinking the more turbulent they became. Then without a word he turned on his bare feet and stomped away. I held my breath wondering what I’d said that pissed him off so badly when the bedroom door slammed violently and I exhaled.
“Damn, woman,” Gabe grunted from the doorway and I jumped. “I told you to give him something but I didn’t think I needed to explain how to deliver that blow.”
“Huh?”
“Nat, seriously. The shit you said was fucked-up. No man wants to hear that. But a man who cares about a woman really doesn’t want to hear that fucked-up shit happened to her. Next time you share, cushion that, at least with a warning so he can prepare.”
“Huh?”
“This. Right here. What just happened was what I was talking about when I told you to start paying attention. He cares, and Owen doesn’t care about a lot. He trusts us, he trusts Zane, and to a certain extent he trusts the other guys who work at Z Corps. But he does not ever get in deep with a woman. Not since Naomi. The bitch did a number on him. You living with him is not something he’d normally do. The fact that it even happened in the first place shocks me. But more, when Myles offered to have you go live with him, Owen nearly took his head off. Which tells me he cares about you. So next time, Nat, for the love of all things holy, give a guy a break and warn him.”
Naomi?
Did a number on him?
Why did I suddenly want to find this woman and knock her around?
“I just wanted to thank him for buying me sneakers. I don’t know why I told him the rest. Once I started it just came out.” Stupid, stupid me. “I shouldn’t have—”
“Oh, no. Don’t do that. You should’ve. And you should tell him more. Just go gentle like. You know, ease into it.”
I thought about what Gabe said and it was probably good advice, he seemed like a smart man. But I had no idea what he was talking about.
“I don’t know what that means. I know how to be quiet. That’s all I know.”
Gabe let out a long-suffering sigh and shook his head. “Then forget what I said, and just go with it. Blurt out what you need. But, babe, don’t be surprised when he storms off.”
I didn’t want Owen storming off. I didn’t want him mad or upset at me. Worse, I didn’t want him to feel sorry, or sorrier for me. No. Quiet was the right way to go. This wasn’t my imaginary dream world where I could just be me.
“Nat—”
“I’m fine, Gabe. Thank you for your advice and wisdom. It’s appreciated.”
“At the risk of sounding like a total asshole, I’m gonna leave you with one more thing.”
I held Gabe’s eyes thinking I didn’t want him to leave me with one more thing. I didn’t want more advice. I didn’t even want to be in the same room as him. “Grow some balls, woman, and take control.”
My eyes narrowed and my shoulders tensed. That wasn’t very nice to say and he certainly didn’t know me well enough to say that to me.
“You know?” I snapped. “Something I never understood, why do people say that? Grow some balls? Why would I want to grow two soft, delicate testicles when all it takes is a tiny flick and excruciating pain follows? At least a vagina can take a pounding…”
Gabe’s lips twitched before they curved up. His eyebrows hitched up and when I didn’t continue he smirked.
“Go on, finish. A vagina can take a pounding…”
“I didn’t mean it that way.”
“No? Pray tell, Nat, how did you mean it?”
I felt my cheeks heat and my eyes darted around the room in an effort to hide my embarrassment. I didn’t want to talk about vaginas with Gabe. I don’t even know why I said what I said. And now I had a feeling he was teasing me, but I’d never been teased before so I didn’t know how it was done. But Gabe was smiling and his tone was light.
“Are you teasing me?” I asked on a whisper.
“Yeah, babe. I’m teasing you. Though you do have a valid point, vaginas are much tougher. But just so my suggestion’s not lost—I was being serious. While we’re here…no, scratch that…anytime you’re with Owen or the rest of us, you are safe to be you. Whoever you want that to be. You can say what you want, act like you want, dress as you want, and you can trust we’ll protect you while you’re doing it.”
“I’m not—”
“Don’t answer, Nat. Just think about it.”
I nodded, happy to end the discussion. Gabe turned to leave but before he got too far something hit me.