The clog that lands there has me struggling to catch my breath. What do you say in an instance such as this to a six-year-old baby who’s just lost her entire world? How do you help them understand when you don’t get it yourself? I’m still wrapping my head around the concept that I’ll never be able to pick up the telephone and have endless, mindless conversations with Aurora. Walking toward her like one would a wounded animal, I slowly and easily sit on the opposite side of her. Not wanting to spook her, I say her name in a whisper. Nothing. I don’t get even a flinch of her eyes when I do. “I’m gonna go get your daddy, baby girl,” I finally admit defeat after sitting here, watching her for minutes on end. Shaking my head with worry, I go in search of Rogue.
It takes me a few minutes, but I finally find him out in the garage, sitting in Aurora’s car. His hands are tightly gripping the steering wheel as her last cassette tape she was listening to before coming home is playing loudly through the speakers. The streaming music brings back memories of days gone by where Aurora and I would just drive around town blasting music and singing until our throats became raw.
“I’m in love, Bella,” Aurora screams over the beats blasting out of the speakers.
“What? With that biker dude?” I ask, he’s the only one she’s been keeping company with these past few weeks. I’ve seen him in passing, but that’s all. I haven’t met him yet; our schedules hadn’t synced up to where we could.
“He has a name, Bell,” she giggles; it sounds like chimes are playing through her happy words. I’m not going to lie, I’m a little jealous of the glow that’s coating her face.
“Rogue is not a name, Aurora.”
“It’s his road name, the only one he allows anyone to call him by. According to him, it’s the only one that counts.” Reaching over, I turn down the volume so I can hear her clearer without all of the yelling.
“Why? If you're his woman, you should be allowed to call him by his given name I’d think,” I advise, as this causes me a bit of concern. How can she express she’s in love when she doesn’t know who she’s falling for? A man with two identities means two different sides to him. One he’ll share with the world, and one he’ll only share with her. But which one is better? Which one is trustworthy with my best friend's heart? “What all do you know about him?”
“I know enough,” she says, sending me a side-eyed glare. “I know he excites me, my heart beats faster in my chest whenever I hear his voice. My body shivers in anticipation whenever his arms are wrapped around me. My lips sizzle with heat whenever his connect to mine. And the way he looks at me, it’s as if I’m the reason the world turns on its axis. His smiles are inviting, heart stopping. I’m a giddy teenage girl whenever he pulls up on his motorcycle.”
“Newsflash, Aurora, you are a teenage girl,” I remind her.
“But he treats me like a woman, Bella. Wait until you meet him, you’ll understand once you spend some time with him.”
The blaring music cuts off, bringing me back into present times. “Did ya need something, Bella?” Rogue’s voice comes out raspy, I can tell he’s holding back his tears of sorrow.
“Harmony needs you, Rogue. She’s sitting on her bed rocking herself, not acknowledging the fact that I was in the same room, trying to communicate with her. I think you’ll be the only one who can get through to her.”
Rogue
I was sitting here, listening to Aurora’s favorite tunes when an awareness of no longer being alone hit me square in the chest. At least my instincts are still working, to a point. I wish they’d been working during the time it was brought to my attention we had a mole. A neon sign marked ‘here the bastard is’ would’ve been helpful. Especially if it had been pointing to my enemy, then, I could’ve saved the love of my life and none of us would be experiencing this endless heartbreak. I haven’t shared that during her autopsy is when they discovered my baby was growing in her belly; but not a moment goes by that I’m not wracked with guilt and pure anguish by that fact. Apparently she’d been to our physician earlier in the day and found out. I’ve imagined her shock and happiness countless times as I know she was beyond thrilled to tell of this news that fateful day. And as I relive it, I die a little more inside each time, it feels. We’d tried for years and after many losses accepted our fate and counted our blessing named Harmony. What an overly cruel and merciless world to finally give her, us, our heart’s desire only for it to be ripped away moments later.
So, yeah, I lost two people that day, only I’m the only one who is mourning them both. I’m not ready to share that news with anyone just yet, this is my burden to bear for the time being. Not to mention, Harlow and Bane don’t need something else tossed on their plate, they’re dealing with their own grievances. I don’t think either one of them could handle one more loss piled on top of it. Losing their unborn child and being informed of the fact that they can’t produce another, has hit them both like a sledgehammer to the sternum. Bane, in a fit of rage and despair, ripped the nursery to shreds and the men went in and cleaned it back up then stored the baby’s furniture, toys and clothing. Harlow refused to even step foot inside of it. Now, it is one less thing she will have to do and this way, won’t be forced to see a room that’ll never hold their resting child.
“I’ll be right there,” I tell Bella as I gather what little strength I have left to go and care for my child. I can’t take the time to feel sorry for myself, my number one priority right now is, and will always be, Harmony.
I put the club before my wife and daughter long enough. For now, I need to be a father. I’m still keeping tabs on my club and running things, I’m just not as hands-on as I was before Rora was violently taken away from me. I contemplated for a moment, a short period of time, of grabbing Harmony and putting this life behind us. But that was grief overtaking common sense. I’m too damn blood-thirsty to walk away. I need my vengeance, I need to ensure my daughter’s safety, and as long as I’m running; that’ll never happen. I’ll always look over my shoulder, I’ll always be a target, and I need my brothers at my back to help ensure Harmony’s safety.
I watch silently as Bella walks back into the house, then I allow my emotions to show on my face briefly before shutting off Rora’s car, shutting the garage door and entering my house. I go straight to Harmony’s room, and when I see her, I rush over to her and pull her into my arms before sitting back on her bed.
We’re already running behind to get to Rora’s funeral, but they will have to wait on me anyway to begin. I rock my girl and speak softly to her, “We’re gonna go tell Momma goodbye and send her off to become an angel. She’ll always be watching over us, protecting us, loving us and cheering us on. She’ll never leave you, baby girl. She’ll always be with you in spirit and in your heart.”
“Momma will be there?” My little Outlaw asks me, the first words she’s really even spoken that aren’t completely muffled. If I hadn’t been paying close attention to her, I’d have missed her question. She’s speaking like a meek mouse—scared, her voice quivering. But she spoke, and no words have ever sounded sweeter to this father’s ears.