This entire thing is fucking me up. I don’t know how to soothe all that ails her, I don’t know how to take care of myself most days. My brothers have tried to help me, but nothing breaks through. I’m beginning to wonder if anything will ever be the same again.
Bella
The phone call I received informing me of my closest friend's death, is crippling my senses, devastation wrapped firmly around my heart. When Rogue called to tell me what went down, the shattered way his voice spoke the words caused my heart to break further than it was with the tragic demise of Aurora. I don’t know if he’ll ever come back from her loss, if Harmony will ever experience a normal childhood according to society's standards. I left years ago, fighting with the feelings that grew with each passing day toward Rogue. How could a best friend develop the feelings I felt for him when he was wholeheartedly taken, branded and owned by one of the strongest, most ferocious when it came to love, a woman such as Aurora. The answer simply was I couldn’t, but I also couldn’t stop nor ignore the feelings that were gripping my chest. I was becoming depressed, pathetic and Aurora started questioning what was going on with me.
I wasn’t sure how much longer I’d be able to refrain from opening up to her, and I feared the separation in our friendship that would cause. There isn’t a time in my life where I can remember Aurora and I weren’t attached at the hip. She was the yin to my yang and I couldn’t be the one who caused that bridge in our friendship to collapse. Instead, I tucked my tail and ran as far away from the both of them as I could. I always kept in touch through letters and phone calls, but things were never the same.
The day Aurora birthed Harmony, I was joyous for her, but my heart sank deeply into my chest. Once again, I buried my feelings and sent gifts and a card offering my congratulations. I was the long distant aunt who spoke with Harmony often and sometimes she’d be sent for an extended holiday to my home. I’ve deeply enjoyed the time I’ve spent with her. The icing on the cake was always when Aurora would come with her. Usually, those times were when Rogue was on the road taking care of club business.
As I drive down the dirt road that will lead me to the clubhouse I know and abandoned years ago, tears stream down my cheeks at the thought of having to say my final goodbyes. I did everything I could to protect her, and now, I’ll never be able to make amends for my heart’s desire, something I had no right feeling.
“Stop feeling sorry for yourself, Bella,” I chide, “this isn’t about you. It’s about that poor man and your best friend's distraught daughter; their innocent child.”
I come up to a gate that has a guard manning it. Rolling down my window, I give him my name and once I’m granted entrance by whomever was on the receiving end of the phone call, I slowly pull my car forward. When I put my car in park, I look up and see Harmony sitting on the front step, a stick in her hand as she draws patterns into the dirt. She looks so lost and sullen that I want to do nothing more than pull her into the comfort of my arms. Harmony’s head lifts up and a gasp leaves the confines of my mouth. The light has dimmed from her eyes; if she wasn’t moving, I’d swear she was in a comatose state, that’s how lifeless she comes across as. “I’m gonna take care of them,” I vow to Aurora, as I inhale deep breaths before reaching over and grabbing the door handle. Remembering at the last minute that my car is still running, I reach up and twist my keys. Pushing the door open, I exit. Reaching back in, I grab my purse and possessions. When my head swings back to where Harmony was stationed, my heart leaps from my chest as Rogue now stands next to her. I nearly forget to breathe as the sight of him takes my breath away. Even as he’s aged since I’ve laid eyes on him last, he’s still the handsomest man that’s ever existed. “I can do this. Be strong.”
Rogue
As Aurora’s friend makes her way toward us, the overwhelming desire to grab her and pull her into my arms overrides my good senses. I’ve always known that she harbors certain feelings toward me, but I’ve brushed them off. But right now, I need the familiarity of a friend that links me to the love of my life.
“How was your drive?” I ask her as I hold her tightly to me.
“Long. How are you two holding up?” she asks as a hiccup expels from her lips. There’s so many emotions from that hitch in her breath… sorrow, fear, anger. It’s all present and I feel every one of them.
Out of my peripheral, I notice Harmony move from the spot she’s sat sentry at for hours and slowly make her way to us. Bella pulls herself away from me and kneels in front of my girl. “Hey, sweetheart.”
Harmony has barely shed a word since the loss of her mother, keeping the trend up, she lifts her small hand and issues a small, welcoming wave. “Can you say hi to Auntie Bella?” I question, urging her to speak the words aloud. She shakes her head and my world once again tilts on its axis. The horrific thoughts of losing my child inside of her own head makes me feel like I’ve let Aurora down. My job is to protect our daughter the way I couldn’t protect her.
The overwhelming sensations of losing that battle has me mentally lost. The guys think I should take her to see a shrink, but I don’t want anyone medicating and digging into my daughter’s mind. I don’t believe in invading anyone’s private thoughts; I keep telling myself that we just need to give her time. This is an adjustment for all of us.
Harmony will come around, she has to. If I lose her as well, I assuredly have no reason to go on in life. Part of my soul has been ripped from my body. All that I have left belongs to this tiny slip of a girl. Turning my attention back to Bella, I answer her previous question. “We’re holding up, by a thin thread, but we’ll make it through. Won’t we my little Outlaw?” No verbalization is shared from my girl, instead, we receive a simple shoulder shrug. “Alright, let’s help Bella get her luggage from the car.” Lifting my head up, I ask Bella, “Would you prefer to stay here at the clubhouse or at our house with Harmony and me?”
“I believe I’d like to stay with you and Harmony.” She looks my baby girl in her eyes before investigating whether that’s alright with her. “Harmony, would you like to have a sleepover with your auntie Bella?”
Harmony nods her head with a little light shining in her eyes. Maybe, just maybe, Bella will be the saving grace I’ve been silently begging for.
Chapter Six
Bella
Today is the day we lay Aurora to rest. Both Rogue and Harmony are dragging their feet, trying to put off the inevitable. I don’t want to be the one who rushes them to face her send off, so I’m puttering around the house, checking to see if anything needs cleaning. I’m already in my black wrap dress and heels so there’s not much I can do, but I can do a load of laundry before we leave the house. Deciding Harmony’s clothes is the best place to start, I head into her bedroom but stop dead in my tracks when I see her sitting in a ball. She’s rocking back and forth in the corner of her bed with a doll snuggly in her embrace. She has a death grip on the toy that I can literally see her hands turning from their ivory color to a ghostly-white pallor. Her eyes are blank, completely vacant, which has my heart skipping a beat while leaping into my throat.