Images from her childhood flooded into her mind, her and her sister being picked up by the ladies from social services. ‘Just for a couple of weeks. Think of it as a holiday,’ her mum had said. ‘Until I get everything sorted.’ But things never did get sorted and they boomeranged between being at home with their mother and living with foster parents. It happened three times, until the new caseworker decided that their mother shouldn’t ever be given responsibility for her children. Sara was ten at the time, and the next eight years were spent with four different families, always an outsider and always resented by the foster parents’ natural children. She was alone, separated from her sister, because very few foster placements could take siblings, and anyway, Hailey was out of the care system four years before her. They did what they could to stay in touch, but geography and finances didn’t make it easy.
She pulled herself straight, a determined set to her jaw. That’s not going to happen to my family. It’s not.
Matt drew in a deep breath, his voice shuddering. ‘I’ve let you down, love. I promised to look after you and now… now, I can’t. I’m a failure.’
He picked up the second bottle of beer, looked at it for a second, then hurled it against the wall with such force that it exploded into smithereens, beer and glass flying through the air. His scream of anger filled her ears, the room, the air she breathed. She jumped away from him, shocked not only by the sickening crash and the splatter of beer, but by the violence of the action, the primeval sound of his despair.
Her body shook as she desperately searched for ways to calm him down. He’d never been this upset before, never shown her this side of himself. This raw fury. And if she was scared, then imagine how it would affect the children. Maybe the girls would understand but Ezra would be petrified.
Empty words wouldn’t help; she needed to think of something definite, something tangible that they could do. It was impossible to imagine that her life could shatter just like her mum’s had all those years ago. Debts had started that whole downwards spiral, and she couldn’t let the same thing happen to her children, couldn’t bear to think of them going through that pain and confusion. Her hands clenched. I’ve got to sort this out.
Chapter Five
Sara gazed at her husband as he sat on the edge of the sofa, his face turned away from her, shoulders shaking as he wept, and her heart broke for him. Being the family provider was central to his view of himself, a source of pride, and if that was taken away, it was like removing the foundations of a building. Without a job, she was sure he’d crumble.
She shuffled closer, no longer scared now his anger had faded.
‘Hey, don’t go thinking like that. It’s not your fault, is it? These things happen.’ She ran her tongue round dry lips, her mind scrabbling for solutions. ‘Look, it’s not that bad. I can work more hours. If you’re at home to look after Ezra, I can probably go full-time for a bit, until you find something else.’
He turned to her with an impatient shake of the head, eyes red from crying, frown lines etched across his forehead. ‘It’s not enough, though, is it? Even if you work full-time, with you being on minimum wage, it’s not going to cover the bills.’
She bristled for a moment, a flash of annoyance that her efforts could be dismissed as irrelevant, before reminding herself it wasn’t far from the truth. ‘But it’ll help. And we can go and see the bank, ask if we can extend the overdraft for a bit.’ Finally, the adrenaline kicked in and her mind began to feed her solutions. She started to gabble, desperate to make things better. ‘We can talk to the mortgage company about missing a repayment or two, can’t we? This must happen to people all the time. And I’m sure you’ll get another job in no time. I mean, your IT skills are—’
‘Specialist.’ He spat out the word as if he’d eaten something disgusting. ‘There’s not another company in Yorkshire that does what we do. It’s all London-based, and we don’t want to move down there, do we?’
Sara blinked, her positivity stalled for a moment. That couldn’t be right, could it? ‘Oh, come on, there must be companies round here that could employ you. Even if it’s more general…’
She tailed off, because in reality, she hadn’t got a clue exactly what Matt’s skill set was. Something to do with websites, but the back end, not the front end. Writing code. Problem-solving. Something along those lines. In all honesty, he told her very little about his work these days, and she’d stopped asking, because when he did try to explain, his words flew right over the top of her head, making no impact on her brain whatsoever. She was more of a people person; he was the abstract techie, his mind working in a different way to hers. She’d always thought their skills complemented each other, something that made them perfect together.
The urge to sink her head into her hands and give in to despair was strong, but one of them had to be up for the fight. One of them had to look for the positives, find a way out of this crisis.
Her hands clutched at her scalp as if she was trying to press inspiration into her panicked brain. When she had first become a mum, she’d considered herself lucky that Matt earned enough for her to stay at home and look after the kids. Over time, she’d managed to hide her frustration, her ever-increasing need to use her mind and learn new things, interact with people on a different level to the mummy world she’d inhabited for so long. Maybe now was the point when she could flip things round, give Matt a break while she went out to work and got her career going again.
Suddenly a new idea burst into her head and she gasped with relief.
The money! I’ve got the money.
She’d almost forgotten about her little nest egg, the inheritance from her Auntie Wyn, carefully tucked away and growing nicely last time she’d looked. She opened her mouth to remind Matt about their safety net. Then closed it again.
He thinks it’s still in the deposit account.
She remembered the conversation when they’d first discussed what to do with the money. It had been the perfect opportunity to tell him about her ambitions and her idea to enrol on a course she’d fancied. It would make her degree more relevant to today’s business world, and as soon as Ezra was at primary school, she’d thought she’d have some time to invest in herself.
They’d been out for a rare meal, Hailey on babysitting duty. Matt had reached across the table and poured the last of the wine into their glasses. ‘Look, I’m all for continual improvement,’ he’d said. ‘Honestly I am. But those tuition fees for an MBA are ridiculous, don’t you think? And I’m really not sure what you’d get from it.’ He’d scrunched up his nose. ‘Seems like a bit of a rip-off to me.’
‘I see it as an investment, though.’ She wondered if the tinge of resentment in her voice would register with him. His speech was a little slurred, she’d noticed, but then he’d drunk most of the first bottle of wine and half of the second one.
‘Yes, but we need that money as a contingency fund, don’t we?’ He wiped his mouth with his napkin. ‘In today’s financial climate, who knows what’s going to happen? Best to leave it in the deposit account, where it’s safe.’