Today, I understood nothing.
Jaxson tried to roll me over, and I forced my wolf down, sending another growl his way. The sound ripped from my chest with ferocity, and the beta backed off. I was the alpha-mate, but technically, my power came from Torin’s position in the pack, not from my own wolf. As the beta, Jaxson only obeyed my will because he wanted to, not because I was more powerful.
Kind of bullshit if you asked me.
There was a swirl of magically charged energy in the air, and then Jaxson was on two feet, his black hair slightly tousled, as his dark eyes locked in on me. He stepped forward, his feet bare, along with the rest of the very impressive body attached to them. Tall and lanky, he was ripped in all the right places, but unlike the previous times I’d seen his body, I felt nothing but a cold emptiness inside. I was viewing him like I would Michaelangelos’s statue of David. His form was nice, but it stirred no attraction within me.
With that in mind, I shifted back myself, making sure to keep a decent distance between us. “What do you want, Jaxson?”
He looked taken aback by the abrupt nature of my tone. “It’s after five, babe. You know we have that mixer tonight.”
My foot was swinging toward him before I thought about it, and the guy probably got an eyeful of vagina as I kicked him solidly in the chest. He flew backwards, which was… odd because I wasn’t really strong enough to do that to a male of his size.
“Mera, what the fuck?” he shouted, already on his feet, not remotely injured. “What is wrong with you?”
“I don’t know,” I bit back through gritted teeth. “All I know is that calling me ‘babe’ is pissing me off. Stop doing it.”
His eyes darkened, their deep rich coffee color reminding me of the old days. They were warm, like they used to be. Part of me wished that whoever had stolen my memories had also taken the ones from when my best friend had betrayed me. Maybe it would hurt less not knowing.
“You can’t keep pushing us all away,” Jaxson warned me.
Yeah, challenge accepted.
“I don’t want to be disturbed.”
He crossed his arms. “Tough shit, princess. You’re our alpha-mate, and as such, you need to present a united front with Torin at these events.”
I was gritting my teeth hard enough to crack them. “We aren’t united.”
It was clear that Jaxson was here for one purpose: to make sure I didn’t make our pack look weak. That was a beta’s job, of course, but if Torin was any sort of worthy mate, he’d be here sorting his own shit out.
Couldn’t respect an alpha who allowed others to fight his battle.
“Please, Mera,” Jaxson coaxed. “It’s good for you to start getting back into pack life. It might help jog your memory. Remind you of happier times.”
My first instinct was to snap that I had no damn “happy times” in this pack. I’d wanted to escape Torma for as long as I could remember, but somehow, during my missing memories, everyone else I’d cared about had fled, while I was still here.
Had I stayed for a reason? Why wouldn’t I have left with Simone? Was it part of the reason she didn’t want to talk to me?
It all just hurt, and I wanted it to stop. In truth, Jaxson did make one good point: My attitude was only creating more distance between me and the rest of Torma.
Maybe trying something new would shake me out of this dark mood. Books were masking the pain, but deep inside, I had been hurt. The need to figure out why and by whom was nearly destroying me.
“Okay,” I said softly. “I’ll be there tonight, and I’m going to make more of an effort to integrate back into pack life.”
Those words tasted like ash on my tongue, but before I could second-guess my new life plan, I called on my wolf to shift back. Only she never rose to the surface, instead sinking lower inside until I could barely feel her. I knew my eyes were wide and panicked when I lifted them to Jaxson.
He took a step closer, his face scrunched in concern as he ran his gaze over me. “What is it, Mera? What’s wrong?”
Should I confide in him? Truly confide? I had no one else to talk to here, and Jaxson at least had been a good friend to me in the past, which didn’t negate the following years where he’d basically acted like an asshole. But I was desperate.
“I think the Shadow Beast did something to me.”
He jerked his head, and it was clear that was the last thing he’d expected to come out of my mouth. “What do you mean? When did you see the Shadow Beast?”
I shook my head. “You know I don’t remember the time that he punished us all, but I must have been there, right? You all said I was there. What if, during that time, I annoyed him too, and this is the extra punishment I got?”
Jaxson shook his head. “You were there, but you didn’t go near him at all. Victor was punished first, and then the rest of us were locked down until he could ‘deal with us,’ as he put it. You were not on his radar for even a second, Mera.”
“Who else would have the power to take my memories like this?” I snapped back. “I’m a freaking wolf shifter—we heal head injuries—so it has to be magic!” I paused, realizing that for the first time, there was new information I hadn’t heard already. “What do you mean deal with us? Has he dealt with us in any way except releasing the stasis?”
Jaxson blinked at me before shaking his head. “Actually, no, and until you mentioned it right now, I didn’t think anything of it…”
My breath started to rattle in and out of my mouth in gasps. “What if I was the part he dealt with? What if it was me?”
Jaxson reached for me, but I stepped out of his way, not wanting to be touched. “Mera,” he said, shaking his head. “I think you need to calm down. I don’t know why you’re stressing so hard on this. Even if you did lose a few months, what does it matter? It’s sixty days. Nothing happened in that time that would impact you, outside of mating to Torin, and you still have the rest of your life with him. If that was the only punishment, then be grateful and move on.”
I shook my head. “You know I can’t. It doesn’t matter how easy that life would be, I cannot let this rest. Someone stole from me, and I want those damn memories back.”
He took another step forward, and I fought the urge to wrap my arms protectively around myself. I’d never been weirded out by naked men before—shifters were always in various states of undress—but ever since I’d “woken” in Torin’s bed, I’d avoided being around the men while naked.
It felt disloyal.
But to whom? Definitely not my “mate,” since the strongest emotion I held for him was hate.
“Why do I hate Torin?”
The question was more for me than Jaxson, but he answered anyway.
“Disregarding the years we didn’t treat you right,” he said shifting uncomfortably, “rejecting a true mate is a near unforgiveable crime. He has a lot of ground to make up if he wants to be worthy of you.” As he stared into the forests that surrounded us, a sigh left him. “You probably don’t remember, but when I found out he was your true mate, I didn’t take it well. I’d thought it would be me. I hoped it would be, and then no one could keep us apart, not even my father—”