He understood, I realized. He knew what it was like to have a friend killed right in front of him. And it was even worse for him. Yeah, Leo and I had been helping people in Iraq when we’d been ambushed, but we’d still been in the army, in an area where people weren’t too happy with what we were doing. Israel and his friend had just been teenagers, minding their own business.
“I was angry with the world. Started doing stupid stuff. Broke windows, graffitied walls, all the things angry people do when they don’t get justice.” A ghost of a smile appeared. “Angel dumped me because of it, said she wasn’t going to be with a man who acted like a boy.”
I’d always heard that Angel had been like her mom, and that definitely sounded like something Nana Naz would’ve said.
“She’s the one who straightened me out.” He gestured toward Nana Naz. “She told me that if I didn’t straighten up, then I’d end up being the sort of black man who made the justice system not care, and that would be a waste. She marched me over to each and every place I’d vandalized, made me apologize, and promise to pay for everything. Then she took me to the police station and had me confess there too. I paid everyone back, did fifty hours of community service, and I’ve been on the straight and narrow ever since.”
I didn’t know what to say, but he wasn’t done yet.
“That’s why we didn’t discourage Leo from hanging out with you. We told him he needed to be the kind of friend who made better choices and was a good influence, but we never thought you were a bad kid. You just needed some help to believe it yourself. Sometimes, we can have the best family in the world, but it takes someone outside the family believing in you that makes a difference.”
I honestly wasn’t sure I believed it now, but I thanked him anyway. Whatever the reason, misguided or not, their decision had played a large role in why I wasn’t in prison or worse. Without Leo, I doubted I ever would’ve completely straightened up, no matter how great my family was or how much they loved me. Israel was right. I’d needed it from somewhere else too.
He reached over and ruffled my hair the way he had when I’d been that brat who’d stolen cigarettes. “Now, while we’re here for who knows how long, how about you tell me what’s got you so troubled.”
“Am I that easy to read?”
He shrugged. “I know a thing or two about being in love.”
Love?
I shook my head. “It’s not love, but it is a girl.” I sighed. “I barely know her, but I can’t stop thinking about her.”
A wide grin split Israel’s face, and the flash of memory that came with it was bittersweet. Last time I’d seen that smile had been right before things had gone as wrong as anything could. I didn’t have to worry about getting lost in the past, though. Leo had gotten his stubborn streak from both his dad and his grandmother, and Israel wasn’t going to let things be.
“Hate to tell you, son, but that probably means it’s love.”
“You’re not going to let this rest until I tell you the whole story, are you?”
He shook his head. “I’m not going anywhere soon.”
So, I told him. Everything. From the first moment I’d seen her on that ransom video to Freedom showing up at the agency right before he’d called. When I finished, I shut up and let him process. It was a lot, especially since he already had plenty of other shit going on in his head. If he hadn’t insisted, I never would’ve laid all that on him, but I could see part of why he wanted to hear it. It might’ve been a lot, but it was a great distraction.
“I’m guessing you haven’t talked to your parents or siblings about this.”
“No, why?”
He raised an eyebrow. “Because they would’ve told you the same thing I’m going to tell you…stop being an idiot.”
I barked a laugh, but it wasn’t a happy one. He wasn’t wrong. I hadn’t talked to anyone in my family about it because they would’ve said exactly that. To stop being an idiot.
And I would’ve said the same thing to them that I was going to say to Israel.
“It doesn’t matter. I fucked up too many times.”
Well, I might not have worded it exactly that way with everyone, but the sentiment would’ve been the same.
“We all do,” Israel countered. “But, if she’s worth it, you go after the girl.”
I shook my head. “Even if she would forgive me, a relationship isn’t in the cards for me.”
“And why not?”
Maybe it was because I was tired, and I’d been so worried about Nana Naz that I was just now coming down from the adrenaline. Maybe it was because it was Israel and not my parents. Whatever the reason, I replied with the actual reason that’d been in the back of my mind since March.
“Because it’s not right. Me getting to be happy, dating, all the stuff that Leo should be here doing.”
Israel stared at me for several long seconds before smacking the back of my head. “You’re just really working at being an idiot, aren’t you?”
I didn’t know why his response surprised me, only that it did. How could Israel be okay with me getting to do all these things that Leo would never do?
“Nana Naz and I want you to live life.” Israel’s voice grew thick. “Are we sad that Leo didn’t get the chance to fall in love, get married, have kids? Yes. But that doesn’t mean we think no one else should get to be happy. Especially you. And that’s what Leo wanted too.”
Before I could argue with him, he pulled his phone from his pocket.
“Let me show you something.” He pulled up what looked like a video. “I got it a couple days after.”
I didn’t need him to say after what. There was a before and after for me too, and it was the same point in time.
Even though I guessed who was on the video, it was still a jolt to see Leo’s face on that screen. I braced myself for what hearing his voice would do, and then I pressed play.
“Hey, Dad.”
Fuck, that hurt.
“I was really hoping you’d never have to see this, but I had to plan for the worst. I make one of these before every tour. Eoin and I have an agreement about what happens if one of us makes it home and the other doesn’t, but with us being together out there, there’s a chance both of us could…you know. So, I needed to have a back-up, and this is it.”
A lump formed in my throat as Leo talked about how much he loved his dad and grandmother, and I wondered why Israel had said I needed to see it, how this was supposed to make me feel better. But I wasn’t going to stop watching it. A part of me thought I deserved all the pain it caused.
“The other reason I made this video is because there are some things that, if Eoin made it back and I didn’t, he needs to know.”
Fuck.
“Guess that means it’s time to talk to you now, brother.”
I wanted to close my eyes. Turn off the video. Not hear that familiar voice. But I refused to take the coward’s way out. I watched, and I listened.
“Eoin, I know you’re taking care of Dad and Nana Naz, just like I’d take care of your parents if your Brady Bunch siblings couldn’t hack it. I don’t need to remind you of our promises to each other. What I do need to tell you is this…live. I’m asking Dad and Nana Naz to look after you too because I know you. You’re going to blame yourself, no matter what the circumstances, and you’re going to convince yourself that you shouldn’t ever have fun again. You’ll fight happiness tooth and nail.”