I hated this. I hated all of them, but what I hated the most was my inability to do anything, to fight through the horror that held me captive. I was always alone against the world. So often, I created scenarios in my head where I was able to fight back. I felt confident and believed in myself. So unlike the real me.
I had a long way to go.
I reached the cafeteria with twirls of anxiety in my stomach and no appetite. Mateo had texted me in the meantime to ask me about my day, and I answered casually, refraining from mentioning what Christine had done to me. I was never able to tell him about my troubles in school. I tried, knowing that honesty was important in a relationship, but I just couldn’t say those words out loud to him.
I didn’t want him to consider me a loser for being bullied, but most importantly, I didn’t want him to feel obliged to defend me or go out of his way to help me.
My bangs covered the Band-Aid on my forehead, but when a few students glanced my way, it felt like they could see right through it, and I sped up, blushing furiously. It’s just a small Band-Aid, Sarah. It’s not a big deal.
Jess was already in front of the lunchroom when I arrived, peering inside as if looking for someone. We’d agreed to meet here, so she couldn’t be searching for me.
“What are you doing?”
She flinched and faced me. “Nothing,” she squealed, her face crimson red.
I frowned. “Are you okay?”
“Yep. Just really hungry.”
“Okay. Let’s go inside.”
We entered the cafeteria, and my eyes scanned the room, searching for Hayden. My heart lurched in my chest when I saw him at his table. He was kissing Maya, who sat between him and Masen, and a dull ache shot through my stomach. I glanced away, trying to convince myself I was okay.
I looked at the food in front of me, less inclined to eat. Everything looked tasteless. I would have to force myself to eat, but I didn’t want to starve myself. I settled for a burger.
She took her tray of beef with vegetables, noticing my sour expression. “Aren’t you hungry?”
“Not really.”
She pointed at my Band-Aid. “Is it because of that?”
I shook my head. “I think stress is getting to me.” I couldn’t tell her about my contradictory feelings and that bitter feeling in the pit of my stomach because I didn’t have Hayden’s eyes on me anymore. I was nettled because I cared about what Hayden did on Saturday night. So, he collided with Tyler’s shoulder. It wasn’t a big deal. “I’m nervous about the early action letter.”
I saw she didn’t quite believe me, but she didn’t push it. “You’ll get into Yale. Don’t worry. Your art and grades are amazing.”
We headed to our table. “Wait until the midterms start. It’s going to be brutal.”
She groaned. “Don’t remind me. I actually had a dream last night. I was studying like crazy, and I failed—” She halted abruptly, and I turned around to see what had made her stop.
Blake was coming our way, his cold gray eyes solely on Jess. I clenched my hands. What did he want now? A couple of students were already watching us, expecting some spectacle, no doubt, and I shifted closer to Jess, noticing her hands tremble.
Blake stopped only inches away from Jessica and looked at the contents of her tray. “You really shouldn’t put anything on that tray, Fats. You’re already as fat as it gets.”
She blushed immediately, dropping her gaze. “Please leave me alone, Blake,” she said in her tiny voice that was even more high-pitched in fear.
He smirked and edged closer to her, and a ripple of disgust crawled all over my skin. His animosity unfurled in waves from him, his sharp, mean eyes evoking dread. “And miss all the fun? Look at you. I didn’t even do anything to you and you’re already squealing like a pig.”
His arm muscles tensed, like he was about to do something, and I tensed too, ready to react.
And then it happened. He raised his arm in a quick movement, smacking Jess’s tray, but I reached for it fast, stabilizing it in her hands while gripping mine with my free hand. Some vegetables rolled across her tray, but at least nothing landed all over Jessica or the floor. In an instant, we became the center of everyone’s attention. However, my anger was stronger than embarrassment for a change; adrenaline raged through my veins.
“What the actual fuck?” He glared at me, his nostrils widening.
“Enough, Blake. I’m sick and tired of you bullying Jessica. What is wrong with you? Leave her alone!”
“Would you rather I bully you?” He grabbed me by my arm and yanked me against his firm body, which radiated white-hot anger. There was something so dark in his eyes—a glimpse of a haunting pain—and my eyes widened when I caught sight of it. Pain?
He must’ve sensed I’d seen it because he masked it immediately and pushed me aside. “Stay out of my way,” he hissed to me, glancing at Jessica before he went to his table.
“Sarah, the savior,” a guy near us shouted and clapped loudly, and I wasn’t sure if he was mocking me or if the respect in his voice and eyes was real. Another student shouted the same thing, and then more students started clapping, chanting “Sarah, the savior” and “Call Sarah Decker when you need help.”
I glanced at Jess. She smiled at me, as if she was happy they finally acknowledged me, and mouthed, “Thank you.”
I smiled back at her, feeling proud of myself for being able to help her. “You’re welcome.”
Succumbing to my urge, I looked in Hayden’s direction and found him staring right at me. My stomach jolted. His intense eyes watched me, inviting a scorching heat that burst right through me. He was completely still, ignoring Maya, who said something to him with her arm placed around his waist. We looked at each other as countless seconds ticked by, drawn together in some inexplicable way, and I was entirely unaware of anyone in the room but him.
But then a shadow clouded his eyes, and animosity and resentment settled in. He broke our stare and returned his full attention to Maya, not sparing me a single glance.
I headed to my table, determined not to think about the hurt I wasn’t supposed to feel. I wasn’t supposed to care. I’d said those horrible words to him without thinking about the consequences, so I couldn’t expect a different treatment from him now.
He didn’t look at me again during lunch. Nothing. Like I didn’t exist. And as much as I kept telling myself that was okay and I was with Mateo, there was that voice that was driving me crazy, always in the back of my mind.
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
Chapter 3
IN THE EVENING, MATEO and I went to a Mexican restaurant. It was one of Mateo’s most favorite places to eat because they made alambres just the way his grandma, Consuelo, did, and he claimed she made the best alambres in the world. The songs of a Mariachi band played through the speakers around the place, and the air brimmed with the smells of ambrosial dishes that made my mouth water.
Since it was Monday, the place wasn’t that crowded, but I’d already noticed a few seniors from my school whose curious glances found their way to Mateo and me every once in a while. I tried to ignore them, but my cheeks burned in response to their attention.