I would have slapped myself—or better yet, her—if my hands weren’t occupied. Coal? That was the best she could do?
I glanced down at the comm. DOWNLOAD IN PROGRESS: 41 percent … 42 percent …
The guard gave her a shockingly warm smile, which was less of a smile and more of a flash of teeth that looked like they could shred us into itty-bitty pureed pieces. “Really? You think so?” He preened. “You know, I’ve always said they’re my best feature.”
Wren nodded enthusiastically. “Oh, yes. Definitely.”
57 percent … 58 percent …
“They’re beautiful,” she continued. “I’d go so far as to say stunning.”
The guard’s face darkened. “I am not beautiful!” he snarled, spittle flying across the cell.
Wren squeaked. “Beautiful? Did I say beautiful? I obviously meant horrifying and ugly and nightmare-inducing.”
“Truly?” He relaxed. “Thank you!”
On the floor, Anders looked like he was fighting back the urge to laugh, and honestly, I was right there with him. But when the guard’s gaze swiveled to him, he gripped the bucket and started hacking up something seriously foul into its depths.
Wren stepped closer to the guard. She brought her hand behind her back, wiggling her fingers in an impatient signal. Keep your pants on. It’s not done yet. I watched the download progress climb, willing the numbers to move faster. Come on! You can do it.
89 percent … 90 percent … 91 percent …
“I have always been intrigued by Earth,” said the guard. “Maybe you could teach me about it sometime? I do not understand the fruit known as an orange. Is the food named after the color, or is the color named after the food?”
97 percent … 98 percent … 99 percent …
“Ah, yes. One of the great mysteries of the universe. If you think that one’s intriguing, you’ll love to hear more about jumbo shrimp.”
“Fascinating! Is it really both large and small? At the same time?”
Wren shrugged, innocently folding her hands behind her back. DOWNLOAD COMPLETE. Finally! I disconnected the comms, slapped the guard’s into Wren’s palm, then marveled as she slipped it back into his pocket under the guise of giving him a spine-crushing hug.
“You’ll have to wait and see,” she murmured, tweaking the end of his nose. Okay, she was laying it on a little thick, but I guess it had the desired effect. The guard looked horrified at the physical contact, and when he stumbled out the door, his back slightly bent under the weight of the bucket of vomit à la Anders dangling from his hand, he didn’t even notice that his coveted comm link had exited and reentered his pocket.
“Don’t forget!” Wren called after him. “Jumbo shrimp!” She turned to the three of us and cracked a grin. “Phase two: complete.”
“I don’t know why we couldn’t have just knocked him out and run,” I grumbled, flipping through the stolen kitchen comm. All the pass codes were here. To the hangar, to the doors of every cell, every office, every guard tower. My heart skipped a beat. I held the key to the entire prison in my hands. The key to Elio’s safety. So close. I could feel it …
And then Wren plucked the comm from me, and I felt only irritation.
“Too obvious. Plus, there are too many guards lurking between here and the docking bay. If they think we’re making a break for it, they’ll shut down every access point in this prison. Manual entry only. You wouldn’t even be able to hack it. Trust me, I’ve been planning this for ages.”
“Precisely how long is ages?” Elio asked with a beep.
“Fine, you got me. I’ve been planning this for two days, but it feels like ages.”
Anders snorted.
I agree with you, buddy, I thought grimly.
“Look, we can only escape when the guards aren’t looking. And the only time the guards aren’t looking is if we draw all of them far away from the cells and the hangar.”
“Which is where, exactly?” I asked.
Wren’s response was another grin, and that was when I knew I would have been better off remaining silent.
“Welcome to phase three.”
* * *
“No! Absolutely not!”
“Quiet!” Wren snapped. “She’ll hear you!”
I gave a delirious laugh. “I think it’s too late for that.”
It’s funny how sometimes when you wish for something, you end up in a place that’s significantly worse than where you started. I had wanted nothing more than to get off Condor, to have a fighting chance at getting Elio a new body. Now, it looked like we were both going to die.
I should have let Calamari shove her tentacles down Wren’s throat—because I had a hunch she was dangerously close to shoving them down mine.
The morning after we acquired the pass codes from the universe’s most gullible guard, I foolishly let Wren lead me through the yard after breakfast. The second we stepped through the doorway and out into the humid air, I knew I should have grilled Wren a bit harder about what exactly the next phase of the newly dubbed Worst Plan in Existence would entail. At least then I would have been prepared for the stares and the jeers as we drew nearer to the Snaps table set up in the center of the yard.
When Wren said she’d found Calamari a new opponent, I never guessed she meant me.
Anders, sure. He was intimidating enough to play such a violent game. Even Wren, with her feisty, defiant streak. But me? Not gonna lie, I was really attached to my limbs. Literally. And I really didn’t want to see them get crushed to pieces when I lost.
“They’re all betting against you,” Wren told me as we pushed through the screaming crowd. “I made sure of it.”
“Umm … thanks?”
“Don’t mention it.”
“No, that wasn’t a real thank-you. It was—”
“I know what it was. They’re going to be furious when you come out of nowhere and actually win. Or that’s what I’m counting on anyway.” She surreptitiously brushed her fingers over her pocket, where the comm link was hidden. Our pass codes to freedom.
“What if I don’t remember the rules?” I took in the sprinkling of gems spread across the Snaps table. There were only two seats. One was empty, and Calamari was sitting in the other, chatting to a woman covered in pearlescent feathers. She turned to smirk at us, tentacles curling into the air around her shoulders like open-mouthed smiles, like they were laughing too, and I would have given almost anything to dump a plate of eggs on her head just to knock her down a peg.
“Rules are hardly necessary,” said Wren. “Can you bluff?”
“On occasion.”
“Okay … well, you can read other people’s bluffs.”
I watched the nervous pale-yellow aura fog off her skin, like she was leaking sunlight. “Obviously.”
She nodded, and her nerves faded a little. “Then that’s all that matters. You’re the only one here who can beat her, so don’t mess this up.”
“Right.” I heaved a breath. “I’m sure it’ll be fine, right?”
“Are you asking for a pep talk?” Elio muttered behind me. “Because she looks absolutely terrifying. I’ve got nothing. Beep!”