It’s frightening.
And exciting.
My breath hitches when Terrence steps closer, crowding me with his massive form. A small gasp escapes me when he grabs my arms and uncrosses them from over my chest. His large hands easily encircle each bicep. He runs his hands down the lengths of my arms, settling at my wrists. After a quick squeeze, he releases them to lift my chin with a finger, forcing our stares to meet. My heart does a nervous flop inside of my chest. The burning inferno within me flares to life.
I vaguely hear the growing excitement from the living room as the countdown begins. Terrence strokes his fingers through my hair and then curls his large hand around the side of my neck. I can’t seem to understand why my body’s not going haywire from his touch or his nearness. All I know is it’s going crazy with new sensations.
Need.
Fiery want.
Explosive heat.
His dark eyes lock on mine, intent and promise gleaming in them. He drops his stare to my lips and then uses his thumb to gently drag across the bottom one.
“I’m gonna kiss you, Penny.” He smirks and lifts a brow. “What do you think about that?”
The countdown has begun, and my heart seems to thump in cadence with each passing second.
“I need words,” he rumbles. “I need you to want it too. I need—”
“Stop talking,” I bite out as I stand on my toes, bringing my face close to his.
His eyes flash with heat and then his lips brush against mine, gently at first. So soft I wonder if I imagined it. Then, his palm is clutching the back of my neck, drawing me closer so he can claim me. My lips part on a sigh, allowing him access to my mouth. The second his tongue swipes across mine, my kneejerk reaction is to recoil.
But then he groans—manly and feral and starved. It’s a sound I really, really like. I lose myself to the hungry sound as he devours me with a kiss. All I can do is clutch onto his tight shirt, pulling him closer so he can kiss me deeper.
His tongue. His teeth. His lips.
They’re all over mine, tasting and exploring and owning.
I’ve never felt so consumed in all my life.
People are yelling “Happy New Year,” but I can’t even be bothered by it because I’m frozen in this moment with Terrence James.
Sadly, he pulls away, ending our kiss.
Everything assaults me all at once. The cheers. The music. The obnoxious beating of my heart. Too much.
Terrence’s features twist from sated to concerned.
I don’t like it.
He reaches for me and I hiss.
“D-Don’t touch me!”
His jaw clenches. “Do you have your white noise? Turn it on, Penny. Do it now.”
I gape at him in horror. How does he know I need it to keep from losing my shit? Shame burns at my eyes and has my chest tightening.
Fumbling with my phone, I turn on the sound, blasting my eardrums with it. My hands tremble, and based on the worried glint in Terrence’s eyes, I can tell he wants to help.
He can’t help.
No one can.
“I need to leave,” I snap, hating how awful I sound right now.
I don’t want to leave.
I want to kiss him again and again and again.
I want to tell him my first kiss was perfect.
Instead, I storm out of the kitchen, grab my leather jacket and keys, and bolt out of the apartment without so much as a goodbye to anyone.
Why can’t I just be normal?
“What about this shop?” Mom asks, pointing to a thrift store.
I nod absently. So much has changed since we moved from Vermont. At one time, we would’ve shopped only at the mall, not some quaint Main Street thrift shop. Back when we lived with Dad, halfway across the US, we were rich and frankly kind of snotty. But Dad lost his shit when Hollis came out gay, and we later learned Dad was having an affair. Mom picked up and moved us all the way here to Hood River, Oregon. Middle of fucking nowhere. It’s all good, though, because we found friends, and both my siblings found love.
As soon as we walk inside, I decide I like the place. It’s quiet and jammed with clothes. Mom takes off toward the career section to look for work clothes. Charlotte and I head in opposite directions as well. Charlotte’s going through a black phase right now. I can’t help but think it’s because of what happened with Ryan and Michael. But, despite what those evil fuckers did to my sister, she’s still happy and here with us.
She just likes to wear more black now.
I suppose I’m fine with that so long as we don’t lose her to drugs and depression. I’m not the best sister, emotionally, but I need my siblings to be happy and safe.
The racks I head toward are the screen-print tees. I love finding random shirts that make no sense and make people frown. Some are cheesy or too happy. I find one that says “Buicks are for Bitches.” I don’t know what it means, but it makes me smile and it’s only three dollars, so I grab it. There’s a T-shirt with a gigantic thumbs-up that says, “Cool story, bro.” I’m about to add that one to my pile when Charlotte steals it.
“I need this,” she sasses.
Shaking my head, I relinquish the shirt and discover one with a Garbage Pail Kid on it. It’s a redheaded cartoon kid whose name is “Cracked Craig.” It reminds me of Terrence, so I snag it to wear for the next time I see him.
Heat trickles down my spine, pooling in my belly as I think about New Year’s Eve. It’s been a couple of days since he kissed me and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. The kiss was…surprising. Unexpected. Warm and exciting.
I absolutely loved it.
Which makes me cringe because of how I abandoned him after it. I’m such a bitch. Problem is, I wasn’t trying to be bitchy. I panicked. It makes me hate the way I am even more. It was just a kiss. I’m almost eighteen, for fuck’s sake. I should be able to kiss a man and enjoy it. I should be able to do a lot more.
But I can’t.
I keep hovering over his name to text him whenever my thoughts ridicule me over my behavior, but I always chicken out.
What will I say?
I loved your kiss, but I’m fucked up, Smash. Find your girl Lacey, because clearly you two had a thing together and it was good enough to make a baby. I’m a head case who will drive you insane.
A deep sadness burrows inside of me, carving holes in my heart.
I don’t want him to find Lacey. I mean, I do for his sake so he can get crap sorted where Zella is concerned. I just don’t want him to find Lacey and remember how much he likes her. Ever since basketball tryouts last week, I’ve enjoyed the times I’ve spent with Terrence. He’s distracting from the madness inside me.
“You okay?” Charlotte asks, her brows furling as she studies me.
“I hate shopping.” Not a lie. “I want to go home.” Also, not a lie.
“Did something happen between you and Terrence?” She glances over her shoulder to make sure Mom isn’t nearby. “You can tell me if…you know…”
“Had sex?” I blurt out.
She nods. “Yeah, that.”
“I didn’t have sex with Terrence.”
“Do you want to?”
Her words have my head snapping up. “He doesn’t want to have sex with me.”
“Pen,” she says. A devious grin she no doubt learned from Cal forms on her face. “I saw the way he looked at you on New Year’s Eve.” She laughs. “Like he wanted to eat you up.”