“If they cared about the community they wouldn’t be doing all the things they do. It’s shameful. And you’re trying to reason with them?”
“You of all people taught me that everyone deserves a fair chance, Ma. Does that only count for certain people?”
“Julian.”
“Change takes time. And patience. And…a willingness to listen to people we may not understand.”
“What I understand is that you had your little brother eating a Happy Meal in front of some of the worst thugs in the county.”
“Thugs, Ma? Really? Listen to yourself.”
“You listen to me: Don’t do this again. I know your intentions are good, but I will not have you endangering Duke’s life.”
It was quiet for a long time after that. Then came Julian’s voice, defiant as ever: “What about my life, Ma?”
“You made it clear a long time ago that you’re going to do what you want, Julian. It’s up to you how you live your life.”
DUKE KEEPS SURPRISING ME. AND I DON’T LIKE IT.
I’m good at reading people. Figuring out their quirks and motivations—sometimes before they’ve even said a word. But every other fact out of his mouth gives me pause and he can see it and that makes me feel…out of control.
I should be thinking about how to respond to Alec instead of trying to figure out this guy I’ll never see again after today.
Traffic is heavy on the way to the elementary school; Duke is preoccupied with his phone, and I’m glad. Maybe if I’m not distracted by him, my mind will clear and I can think calmly about Alec.
It’s not like this is the first time we’ve ever disagreed about something. Alec and I are both strong-willed, and we’re both used to getting our way with things. Me because I don’t like to back down, and him because his parents weren’t in the habit of telling him no when he was growing up. He is one of the rich kids from Salinas Prep that Duke was talking about, and he’s not as bad as that stereotype, but he doesn’t always rise above it.
Up until now, the biggest bump in our relationship was when we talked about colleges back in September. I assumed we’d be on the same page about where to apply, but I guess I also assumed I’d never be a girl who wanted to go to the same college as her boyfriend. Actually, I didn’t really think I’d date at all in high school since I knew how much my parents were paying for me to go to Salinas Prep. I was planning to focus on my studies and get into a top school, maybe fitting in new friends if I found the time. Then Alec showed up in the middle of my very lonely freshman year, and all the plans I’d had for my high school career were rewritten.
We had a couple of casual conversations about college over the summer. Then the discussions became serious as we realized how quickly time was moving.
“I don’t want to apply anywhere you’re not,” he said, sitting across from me at my kitchen table one late August afternoon.
My eyes flew up to meet his. “Really?”
We’d been officially dating two years, since right before the start of sophomore year. We loved each other. I knew I didn’t want to break up with him when we went away to school, but I hadn’t been sure he felt the same way.
“Really.” He twisted his fingers together and pulled them apart. “What do you think?”
“I think that’s a great idea.” I’d have to nix Howard and Mount Holyoke from my list. But if that meant I could stay with Alec—still see him every day, but with the freedom of a new state and dorms and no curfew—I believed it was worth it.
“Good,” he said, reaching across the table to squeeze my hand. “That’s really good, Marv.”
We spent the rest of the afternoon going over the pros and cons of different schools, pulling up the websites to compare and contrast. Crossing off schools because they didn’t offer programs we were both interested in. Or because one of us didn’t like the weather. Or because Jessa Bailey’s brother went there and loved it and that automatically meant we should steer clear.
It was exhausting, but we got through it, and afterward, we were both satisfied with our comprehensive list. It felt good, looking at that list. Like we were on our way to becoming actual adults who could make compromises and hard decisions. We went out for burgers afterward to celebrate.
So I could have sworn I was sitting next to a different person a couple of weeks later when I looked over at his laptop and saw him plugging away at an application for a school we had explicitly decided wasn’t on the list.
“What are you doing?”
Alec finished typing a sentence before he looked at me. “Filling out this app, babe. What’s up?”
“But…that’s not on our list.”
He’d started typing again, but once he heard the tone of my voice, he stopped for good. Slid the laptop on the table and looked at me. “I know. Look, I wanted to talk to you about it—”
“When? After you got accepted?” I could hear my voice getting higher the more I talked, so I was sure Alec could, too.
“Marv…this is one of my dream schools. They have one of the best political science programs in the country. I don’t have to go if I get in.” He hesitated. “But I can’t not apply.”
“So, what was the point of the list, then?”
He sighed, putting a hand over mine. “Marv—”
But I jerked it away. Scooted my chair back so that it scraped heavily against the floor. “You know those three weeks I spent there were absolute hell, Alec. It was only a couple of months ago. I still…”
Just seeing the name of that school again made my stomach hurt. I’d gone to a precollege program there over the summer, and it was truly one of the worst experiences of my life. Just like at Salinas Prep, I was one of the only Black kids on campus. But unlike our high school, the blatant bigotry was off the charts. It’s incredible how many different ways there are to ask someone how they could have possibly gotten into this program. Or to ask if I lived in the projects. The first week, my roommate had asked point-blank if it’s true that Black people don’t wash their hair. I was ready to leave almost as soon as I’d set my bag down.
And Alec knew this. All of it. He’d listened as I vented to him over the phone, from thousands of miles away, and he’d consoled me as I broke down and cried to him on the really bad days. So it seemed like a done deal that he’d take it off his list when we’d finalized it a couple of weeks ago, before school started. The fact that he hadn’t was gross and disappointing and…it made me feel like I didn’t know him at all.
“Marv, I love you. I don’t want any of this to end next year.” His voice sounded tinny, like he was far away instead of sitting inches from me. “But I have to do this for me. Do you understand?”
“Don’t patronize me. I understand that you’re being selfish. You’re not listening to me. That place is toxic. What if you do decide to go? I wouldn’t be able to visit you. I wasn’t being hyperbolic when I said I’d never set foot in that town again, let alone the campus.”
Alec tried to touch me once more, this time on the shoulder. I flinched but didn’t shake him off. “I am listening. You know I care about how you’re treated. And I know things are different for you than they are for me…that you deal with shit I’ll never have to experience in my life. But I have to do this. Just to see if they’d even take me. I’ll never forgive myself if I don’t.”