“I have it under control.”
“Of course… But I don’t know where we’re going, and it’s impossible for me to control you. Obviously, no Domina can do that… Better… better to put the brakes on. Believe me, I would have preferred to continue, but under these conditions, the risk of things going wrong rises every time.”
“What the hell? Risks? It’s just sex; you’re used to hardcore stuff, right?”
“I’m done, Tiger.”
Okay, take a breath…
I control my nerves for a long time, in the silence that falls again. Then my bottle flies and crashes against the door after Candice crosses the threshold. The alcohol spreads over the surroundings with its heady scent. I walk through the debris and leave the room myself. No need to run after her; not my style.
I barely take a few steps when I run into Peter, our butler. He’s always around at the wrong time; this place is too cramped. I need more space. I feel like I’m suffocating as Peter inspects my “condition.”
Shit, I didn’t get dressed!
His attention crystallizes first on the ring that shines on my ring finger. Then, thoughtfully details my bruises and other traces of game… Despite his best efforts, Peter tries to erase the disapproving look that he displays quite regularly. And, straight in his shoes, he finally clears his throat and locks his eyes on mine. At the same time, the front door slams, signaling the departure of Lady Candice.
“We need to talk, sir,” Peter says.
“Later.”
“With all due respect, sir, you need to hear what we have to say. Now.”
I raise an eyebrow, taken aback.
“Who is ‘we?’”
“I took the liberty of contacting Anatjari, sir. Since I had a hard time channeling your… Anyway, I felt his opinion might give more weight to my words. We only want what is best for you, sir.”
Anatjari then shows up. I breathe in, then out, raking my hair.
Is it just me, or does this look like a fucking ambush?
The two wise old men who have known me since I was born suddenly come together to… what did he say already? Channel me. Is this a joke? I gasp again before declaring, “What is best for me? Peter, believe me, you have no idea what makes me feel good or not. And I will certainly not discuss this with you.”
“Please, Mr. Sexton. We have just one request for you.”
I tense up but ask, “What is it?”
“Allow me to reconnect with the doctor who followed you during your childhood, sir. In order to…”
He leaves his sentence hanging. Peter and Anatjari, after going over my torso through the flaps of my shirt that I button up clumsily, explore the marks, my thighs… Then they seem to be a little too interested in my bare feet afterward. Anticipating their silly sermons, I shake my head to stop them.
“No, it’s useless.”
“Did you step on broken glass, big boy?” Anatjari worries in his native language as if he doesn’t want to hear my refusal.
I look down at my feet and notice the blood prints in my wake. Okay, in anger, in frustration, I didn’t pay attention. However, this solicitude has the gift of annoying me; I’m an adult now, damn it!
“It’s nothing,” I reply. “And you shouldn’t have come all this way for so little, Anat.”
Determined to get away from them, I don’t expect them to stand in my way. Technically, I could force my way through, but I don’t want to hurt either of them. They may still see me as the little Tiger who used to run around with his dog, Sausage. They are so far off now…
“Yes, I had to, my boy.”
“It’s important for us to look out for you, Mr. Sexton,” Peter insists. “For once.”
“Give us your word for the doctor,” adds Anat. “Commit to resuming check-ins, and I’ll be back on the road to Canberra.”
“We want to, sir.”
Sterile fight, dialogue of the deaf. They won’t change their minds, and I don’t have the energy for this bullshit. I want to go for a run and evacuate the tensions that are crushing my brain. Blasé, I capitulate.
“Okay. I’ll do it.”
This is the first promise that has been extracted from me since Sophia. It will be the last. I’m going to lock everything down and keep a damn control over everything from now on.
1
Tiger
Nowadays, New York
That’s enough!
I stop watching the umpteenth video—already seen, reviewed, re-reviewed—and straighten up. As determined as I am, I get tired some days. I grab my cell phone and go out onto the terrace of my suite, next to Sophia’s. The latter is busy hiring a vegan chef from New York to run her new restaurant on the corner.
Works for me; that way, I don’t have her around.
The phone call from Anaïs, my main assistant, cuts short my frantic thoughts. I go back to business as usual, dropping in a firm voice as soon as I pick up, “Sexton.”
“Hello, Mr. Sexton,” greets my employee on the phone. “I wanted to remind you that your wedding anniversary is coming up in three days. I’ve confirmed with the florist that we’ll send the usual bouquet of one hundred roses to your hotel in Washington, D.C. since your schedule indicates that you and your wife will be there on that date. Does it suit you?”
Lost for a brief moment, I pull myself together. The anniversary, damn it! Sophia obviously expects special attention… It’s more convenient to repeat a familiar pattern. The idea of the hundred red roses is the classic ritual borrowed from my parents…
I look at the time before answering, “Perfect, Anaïs. Indeed, I still have a few meetings in the United States that will end in Washington… Contact the Cartier house. Tell them to send me someone with the necessary items to the airport on the day, let’s say, an hour before takeoff. They know Sophia’s tastes.”
“I’ll do it right away. I wish you a good day, Mr. Sexton.”
Let’s move on to the next thing: the lunch scheduled with business partners and their spouses this noon, which I will show up to with my wife.
As a straightforward man.
***
Océane
Bondi Beach, Sydney, Australia
The heat is suffocating. I’m in sync with the weather. It’s as heavy as this leaden screed in my chest; even the coolness of the ocean doesn’t change that.
But I’m a better person today. I’m a better person, aren’t I?