This inability to move. This crazy effect on my heart. Everything . . . it was all because I was highly uncomfortable.
That was all.
That had to be all.
Right?
I jolted when my phone vibrated against my hip and staggered forward the last remaining steps.
My head shaking as I forced away the confusion that always followed Ariana’s looks and searched for my phone in my bag.
It was only when my fingers curled around it that I realized what Ariana had said.
“Wait, Mia? Like, our roommate?”
Ariana’s lips slanted into one of those frustratingly, annoyingly mesmerizing smirks as she looked over at me. “Yeah, this is one of her many jobs. So, what do you want to drink?”
“Oh, no.” I gave a fierce shake of my head and forced my stare to my phone. “I can . . .” My stomach dropped to the floor when I saw the missed call and texts from Caleb.
One from early this morning.
The other from seconds ago.
Caleb: Happy anniversary Kins. Love you.
Caleb: Few days there and you’re already forgetting a day you normally wake me up for. Sounds about right.
“Oh . . . oh my gosh.”
“Boyfriend?” Ariana asked, tone low and sounding sure of her assumption.
“I . . .” I took a step away, already unlocking my phone and pulling up Caleb’s number. “I have to go.”
I wasn’t sure if Ariana said anything else as I hurried out of the coffee shop, but I had no doubt she wasn’t surprised by my abrupt exit.
Nearly my entire first full day in Los Angeles had been spent on the phone, trying to calm Caleb or my parents, or convince friends that I had actually stayed in Los Angeles when Caleb had returned to Ferndale. When we’d gotten off work yesterday, it’d been more of the same.
And now this.
“So, you do have your phone on you,” Caleb said in way of answering.
“I’m sorry,” I hurried to say. “We just got off work and were—”
“And you couldn’t take a minute to send a message.” He tossed it out like an irritated statement, making my own frustration rise in response.
“I am busy,” I said softly, slowly. “I have a lot going on here.”
“And you think I’m not?” he shot back. “No, this is just typical Kinsley bullshit. You being worried about yourself and no one else.”
One of my hands clutched at my chest as if I could maybe protect myself from words I’d heard so often growing up. “That isn’t true.”
A sneering laugh filled the line. “It’s always been true. You think the world revolves around you, and then you play the wounded little girl when anyone calls you out.”
My head shook fiercely as he spoke. “I don’t—”
“It isn’t going to work this time.”
“Why are you being so hateful?” I cried out.
“Why did my girlfriend forget our tenth anniversary?” he snapped, the retort coming out bitter and sharp.
“I didn’t—” I sucked in a quick breath and struggled to lower my voice when it had come out too loud. “With everything going on and everything we’ve said the past few days, I didn’t even know if we were still together. But you trying to hurt me using what you know can hurt me isn’t okay.”
“This entire situation isn’t okay, Kinsley.”
“Then be done with it.” The demand came out harsh and low and was followed by a heavy silence. “You keep saying you’re done only to come back and make me feel the way you are now—over a day that would only matter if we’re together,” I went on when the silence lasted too long. “Either be done or don’t, but I won’t stay in this limbo with you, and I won’t let you keep treating me this way.”
“If it’s my choice, you already know what I choose,” he said, voice like steel. “You back home with me. So, what would you choose, Kinsley? Do you want to be done?”
The answer caught in my throat, something close to horror sweeping through me.
Not because of my answer . . . because, truthfully, as much as I hated to admit it, I’d known we were headed for this moment since before I’d arrived in L.A. I’d just been doing everything to prevent this break from happening.
But because of what I saw when I thought of my answer, as if in reasoning.
Who.
“That’s answer enough,” Caleb murmured, his callousness replaced with sadness in an instant. “But we can’t just let ten years go like this, Kinsley.”
All that horror mixed with that familiar confusion when I looked up and saw Ariana exiting Asterisk, coffees in hand and feet slowing to a stop when she got a good look at me.
“This shit’s hard right now,” Caleb went on, his voice droning on in my ear as I watched the girl watching me from a dozen feet away, “but we’ll get through it and be back to normal soon.”
I blinked quickly and forced my stare to the sidewalk beneath my feet when I realized what Caleb was saying. “Wait—”
“Everything will be better when you move back.”
“Caleb, I’m not moving back.”
“I don’t want to have that fight tonight,” he said on an exhausted sigh. “We should probably just talk tomorrow.” I opened my mouth to argue, but he continued before I could. “Love you, Kins.”
My lips were still parted, and the words were on the tip of my tongue when the call ended.
I stared at the ground for a while longer before lowering the phone, trying to wrap my mind around another call with Caleb. Each of them getting worse and worse. Going around and around and never seeming to get where we needed to.
But tonight . . .
“Everything okay with Boyfriend?” Ariana asked when I started toward her car.
No.
No, because I saw you when I thought about my relationship with him, and I don’t understand what it means.
I don’t want to see you like that at all.
I gave her a smile I was sure didn’t convince her and avoided the question. “Sorry for running out. Was Mia in there?”
She searched my face for a moment longer before slanting her head. “No. But I told them to make whatever they felt like, as long as there was a ton of whipped cream. So, there you go. Not sure what it is.”
She handed me the drink she’d been holding by her side, forcing a small laugh from me when I saw the fluffy white topping literally pouring out of the domed lid.
“This is amazing,” I said as a genuine smile tugged at my lips. “Thank you. I’ll pay you back, I promise.”
She waved her own cup through the air as if to brush off my words, then headed toward the driver’s side.
Catching my eye, she asked, “You wanna talk about it?”
My smile fell a fraction before I could fix it in place. “No.”
Her head dipped in understanding as she opened her door, her teasing voice already filtering into the car as I sank into my seat. “So, what is Jupiter Retrograde?”
Easily brushing away all the aches from the past few minutes with Caleb.
Pulling another laugh from me. Earning another smile I shouldn’t have been able to afford.
All while doing that terrible thing to my heart.