“Why?” she asked, startled at the sincerity.
“It’s my fault he went missing. If I’d not convinced him to enlist with me—”
She cut him off. “This isn’t your fault. He wanted to go. Said he needed to prove himself to me. My father.” Her nose wrinkled.
“Sounds like Anders.” Guntar huffed and then chuckled. “I used to offer him my hand-me-downs given my sisters couldn’t wear them, but he always said no.”
Pride. Probably Anders’ biggest failing.
“Let’s stop talking about him,” she declared. “Tell me about you. You’re different than I remember.” More serious. Still arrogant, but now with the face and body of a man of experience to back it.
“Not much to tell. Spend most of my time training when we’re not marching somewhere for a fight.”
“Fighting who?”
He rolled his shoulders. “When I first joined, it was some marquis with eyes on the king’s throne. More recently, we have dealt with goblins.”
“Goblins!” she exclaimed, putting a hand to her chest. “Are they as hideous as they say?”
“Worse,” he confided with a grin.
She offered him a tremulous smile in reply. “I’d like to hear all about it.”
As they strolled the streets, he told her of the things he’d seen: goblins and giants, goats that could climb sheer mountains, even fairies.
By the time he’d walked her back to the bakery, she’d relaxed enough to even laugh at a few things he said.
As they paused at the door, she glanced up at him and said, “Thank you.”
“My pleasure. Evening, Alva.”
She closed the door and leaned on it, her heart heavy but at the same time feeling lighter than it had in a while.
Guntar had given her the one thing she’d not been able to give herself.
Closure.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Accepting that Anders was gone gave Alva permission to live again, even as it terrified her. Her agitation wasn’t eased by the howling from the woods that night, which proved especially loud and long.
Still dizzy from her epiphany, she wasn’t ready for Guntar when he appeared the next day to buy a pie. She looked a mess, and yet he smiled at her. The following day, he bought a cake. By his third visit, she teased him, “Someone has a sweet tooth.”
“More like finding excuses to see you.”
She flushed with pleasure. “Do you need an excuse?”
“Do I?”
They danced around it a bit more, but by the time he left with a basket of goodies, she’d agreed to let him court her. Why not? He’d changed, and to be honest, he was pretty to look at.
What of Anders?
She’d loved him from childhood. All her dreams of the future held him. But he wasn’t coming back. She had to move on and ignore the feelings of guilt. To be expected. Her heart would need time to heal.
Not too much time, she hoped. Guntar was only home for Yuletide.
Guntar appeared as she closed the shop, giving her a wide smile that warmed her down to her toes. “Hello, Alva.”
“I’m almost done here. Mama had to lie down, so I was busier than usual.”
“I don’t mind waiting for you.” He winked, and she felt a tiny flutter—the first for a man who wasn’t Anders. She hurried with her chores, then informed her parents that she’d be walking with Guntar before grabbing her cloak.
Outside, the lamps burned bright and had been hung with fragrant boughs. Yuletide fast approached, a time to celebrate the rebirth of the world on the shortest day of the year. For the first time since Anders had left, she wasn’t dreading the holiday. Not with Guntar by her side.
“Are you ready for the Yuletide?” she asked.
“Is this a nudge to see if I got you a gift?” He bumped her with his hip, teasing.
“Of course, not. I would never presume.”
His laugh boomed, deep and rich. “Why not? You are, after all, my lady.”
“Am I?” Her heart raced.
“Yes. As if you can doubt my affection for you.” He turned to face her, shadowing her with his height.
She stared up at him, anticipating but also scared. She’d only ever kissed one man. Been with one man.
Her cheeks suddenly flamed as shame filled her. What would Guntar think if he knew that she wasn’t chaste?
Suddenly upset, she glanced away. “I should go.”
He didn’t let her flee. “What’s wrong?”
“I—” Her shoulders slumped. “Maybe you should be courting someone else.”
“Why would I do that?”
“Because…” She took a deep breath and said it in a rush. “I’m not a virgin.” Her shameful secret exposed, she couldn’t stop babbling. “Anders and I, we… Uh.”
He grabbed her hands and held them tight. “You don’t have to be ashamed. Honestly, it’s a relief that you’re not a virgin.”
“It is?” She eyed him dubiously.
“I’d rather a woman who knows how to feel passion than a pure one that will be repulsed by my touch because she doesn’t know what to expect.”
“Oh.” She’d never thought of it like that. “Are there that many who don’t enjoy it?”
“Enough that it can be frightening for a man. Who wants to be wed to someone who cringes at her husband’s touch? Who shies from a kiss?” He whispered the last as he bent his head, and his lips came near.
She panicked and turned so he caught her cheek.
“I’m sorry, I can’t. Not yet.”
He bussed her forehead before stepping back. “I understand.”
Did he?
She slipped inside the bakery before she could see his face. Hear his anger. The fact that she was not very experienced didn’t mean she was stupid. Men didn’t like rejection. Add in her admission, and he’d wonder at her reticence. It wasn’t him. It was her. But how to explain?
He probably wouldn’t listen. Or care about her excuse. It wasn’t that she didn’t like kissing. She did. And she even thought about kissing Guntar. But she couldn’t shake the guilt. She needed more time.
She didn’t expect Guntar to understand that, though.
He continued to surprise.
On the first day of Yuletide, he dropped a fat pheasant by their back door. Mama was impressed. Truth be told, so was Alva. She invited him to dinner. He accepted.
It was perfect. Her parents both seemed to approve of him. As a suitor, he proved attentive. Witty. Anders never sat down with her family for a meal because she’d never invited him. Mostly because he seemed to think her dad wouldn’t accept him until he’d proven himself.
“What’s the long face for?” Guntar asked as they went for an after-dinner stroll.
“Why are you being so patient with me?” Other boys in the village didn’t have the ability to give her space or time. But Guntar didn’t seem bothered.
“Because some things are worth waiting for.”
Magical words. As was the night with its lightly falling snow. It took her the entire walk to find the courage, but when they got back to the bakery, she asked him his future plans.