Besides for dinners and drinks with my brother, the highlight of my month is the lunch I share with Lina. It’s not difficult to see why my brother is so taken with her. She’s kind, caring, and nonjudgmental. I have a feeling nothing I tell Lina will ever shock her. It’s comforting to be with someone who is undemanding and giving. She’s never asked about my reasons for running. I told her what I told Damian, and she’s accepted that without fishing for more information.
Since she’s on maternity leave, we meet every Wednesday when I have my monthly afternoon off. Today we’re meeting at an outdoor play park in Midrand. I make sure to arrive early, doing a quick walk-through of the Italian restaurant and the outside terrace next to the play area. I note the exits and the quickest getaway routes, and make sure my car can’t be blocked in. These precautions are habits, like always keeping a bag packed. A few groups of moms are eating pizza with their kids inside, and two groups are gathered on the terrace. I choose a table close to one of the groups, even if it’s noisy. I prefer to blend in with the masses.
Lina arrives with a blush on her cheeks despite the cooler autumn weather, Josh in hand. My heart warms at the sight of them. The weight on my shoulders lifts. That kid is my sunshine and joy. He’s the cutest thing since, well, ever. When he spots me, he pulls free from Lina’s hold and charges toward the table where I’m waiting.
Taking the chocolate egg from my handbag, I crouch down and catch him in my arms just before he almost knocks me over.
“Easy, Josh,” Lina says. “You’ll tackle your aunt to the ground.”
Laughing, I ruffle his hair and hand him the treat. “This is for after lunch.”
He glances at Lina.
“After lunch,” she says sternly.
“Thank you, Aunt Zee,” he says, throwing his arms around my neck.
I melt. Wrapping my arms around him, I hug his small body. “You’re welcome.”
“May I please go play, Mommy?”
“Yes, honey, but stay close to our table.”
He runs off to the jungle gym.
“Here.” I pull out a chair for Lina in the shade. It’s the pregnancy hormones that are making her feel so overheated. I would’ve taken a table where it’s air conditioned inside, but I know she likes to survey Josh while he plays. “How are you?”
“Hot,” she says with a broad smile, fanning herself with the menu. “I can’t wait for this baby to make her arrival.”
Damian is nuts about Josh, but I can’t even begin to imagine how protective he’s going to be with a daughter. If the way he growls when men as much as glance in Lina’s direction is anything to go by, the poor girl won’t date until she’s thirty. If ever. I grin at that.
“I got something for my niece.” I push the parcel wrapped in pink paper toward Lina.
“Oh, Zee, that’s so kind of you.”
It feels too weird for Damian and Lina to call me Amanda, and since Josh started calling me Zee, my sister-in-law adopted the habit. It’s less likely for people to connect it to Zoe, and it’s less confusing for Josh.
She tears away the wrapping paper and gasps as she holds up the little dress. It’s white with silver stars and fairy wings.
“I couldn’t resist. I thought it could be nice for her first photo shoot. Maybe.” I falter. “If you like. I know it’s cheesy.”
“This is so sweet.” She squeezes my hand. “Thank you so much. You’re spoiling them.”
“You’re welcome. They are my only nephew and niece, after all.”
“I’m so happy Damian has you back. We’re all happy to have you.” Her regard turns pensive. “You’ve never heard from Ian or Leon?”
“We grew apart while we were still young.”
“Will you ever try to find them?”
Leaning my chin in my hand, I say, “Maybe. As soon as I have my own life in order.”
“How’s that going, by the way?” She pulls the pitcher of water with mint and cucumber slices closer and pours two glasses.
“Great,” I say with enthusiasm.
She hands me a glass. “Really?” Her look is intuitive and soft.
“I’m getting there.” Taking a sip, I add, “One day at a time.”
“I know a great shrink.” She winks. “I can even arrange for a discount.”
“You mean your boss? Thanks, but no thanks.”
It’s not that I haven’t considered talking to someone about my Stockholm syndrome. It’s just that I’m scared of endangering anyone I speak to. Call me paranoid, but nobody knows how powerful Maxime is better than me. It wouldn’t surprise me if he’s having all the shrinks in the country’s computers hacked for alert words like mafia, Marseille, France, and Stockholm.
Lina says with a glint in her eyes, “Maybe it’s time to take the next step.”
“What do you mean?” I glance toward Josh, keeping an eye on him as he climbs up the ladder to the top of the slide.
“A date.”
I look back at her. “What?”
“You know.” She waves with a hand. “Going out for drinks with a guy. Maybe kiss him. Maybe let him stay over?”
“Oh.” Dating hasn’t crossed my mind. “I’m not ready for that.”
“Because you’re not moving on.”
“You’re right. I’m slow at this, aren’t I?”
“Do you want to go back to him?”
“No,” I exclaim. “Of course not.”
“Okay. Just checking, because if you wanted to, I’ll be the last person to judge you for it.”
“I appreciate that, but I assure you it’s not going to happen.”
“Damian and I, we had our share of difficulties at the start of our relationship, but working through it was worth every minute.”
“He’s married.”
“All right,” she says, “but do let me know if I can play matchmaker. I have very strict criteria and valuable insight into the bachelors working for Damian.”
I laugh, but my heart isn’t in it. Even now, even with this great distance and a wife and a risky escape and all the bad history between us, Maxime holds me hostage. I’m still his prisoner.
“You know what?” I say. “I need to live in the present, not in the past.”
“Does that mean I can go bachelor hunting?”
“Nothing serious. Just drinks.” Even as I say it, I have the ridiculous notion that I’m betraying Maxime. Guilt settles in the pit of my stomach, making me feel sick. It rises up in my chest and throat, and leaves me strangely unsettled.
The waiter comes to take our order. We both choose a Waldorf salad with honey-drizzled yogurt and berries for dessert. As he leaves, the back of my neck starts to prick. Turning in my seat, I survey the parking. It’s fuller than earlier when I came in. More people have arrived. All the tables outside are occupied.
“Is something the matter?” Lina asks.
Shaking off the weird feeling of being watched, I offer her another half-hearted smile. It’s going to take me a while to stop looking over my shoulder. “Everything’s fine.”
“I’m going to take Josh to build his pizza before our food arrives. Would you like to come?”