I pause. Stare at her, eyes wide, like a rabbit caught in the headlights. I flounder. No words come to me. Is he?
‘I’m sure Gerry will always be a part of you,’ Ciara says softly, sensing my state. ‘He will always be with you,’ she says, seeming to reassure me, as if I’ve forgotten.
Dust to dust, ashes to ashes. Dissolved, besprinkled particles of matter around me.
‘Absolutely.’ I smile tightly. ‘Gerry will always be with me.’
The body dies, the soul, the spirit lingers. Some days in the year following Gerry’s death, I felt as though Gerry’s energy was inside me, building me up, making me stronger, turning me into a fortress. I could do anything. I was untouchable. Other days I felt his energy and it shattered me to a million pieces. It was a reminder of what I’d lost. I can’t. I won’t. The universe took the greatest part of my life and because of that I was afraid it could take everything else too. And I realise that all those days were precious days because, seven years later, I don’t feel Gerry with me at all.
Lost in the lie I’ve just told, I wonder if it sounded as empty as it felt. Still, I’m almost done. Ciara invites the audience to ask questions and I relax a little, sensing the end is in sight. Third row, fifth person in, tissue squashed and rolled up in her hand, mascara smudged around her eyes.
‘Hi, Holly, my name is Joanna. I lost my husband a few months ago, and I wish he had left letters for me like your husband did. Could you tell us, what did his last letter say?’
‘I want to know what they all said,’ somebody speaks out, and there are murmurs of agreement.
‘We have time to hear them all, if Holly is comfortable with that,’ Ciara says, checking with me.
I take a deep breath, and let it out slowly. I haven’t thought about the letters for so long. As a concept I have, but not individually, not in order, not exactly. Where to start. A new bedside lamp, a new outfit, a karaoke night, sunflower seeds, a birthday trip away with friends … how could they understand how important all of those seemingly insignificant things were to me? But the last letter … I smile. That’s an easy one. ‘His final letter read: Don’t be afraid to fall in love again.’
They cling to that one, a beautiful one, a fine and valiant ending on Gerry’s part. Joanna isn’t as moved as the others. I see the disappointment and confusion in her eyes. The despair. So deep in her grief, it’s not what she wanted to hear. She’s still holding on to her husband, why would she consider letting go?
I know what she’s thinking. She couldn’t possibly love again. Not like that.
3
Sharon reappears in the emptying shop, flustered, with the baby asleep in the stroller and Alex, her toddler, holding her hand, red cheeks and flushed.
‘Hello, buster.’ I lean towards him.
He ignores me.
‘Say hi to Holly,’ Sharon says gently.
He ignores her.
‘Alex, say hi to Holly,’ she growls, channelling the voice of Satan so suddenly that both Alex and I get a fright.
‘Hi,’ he says.
‘Good boy,’ she says ever so sweetly.
I look at her wide-eyed, always amazed and perturbed by the double personality that the mother role brings out in her.
‘I’m so embarrassed,’ she says quietly. ‘I’m sorry. I’m a disaster.’
‘Don’t be sorry. I’m so happy you came. And you’re amazing. You always say the first year’s the hardest. A few more months and this little man will be one. You’ve almost made it.’
‘There’s another one on the way.’
‘What?’
She looks up, tears in her eyes. ‘I’m pregnant again. I know, I’m an idiot.’
She straightens up, trying to be strong, but she looks broken. She’s deflated, all wiped out. I feel nothing but sympathy for her, which is an emotion that has increased with each pregnancy reveal as the celebration levels have reduced.
As we hug we speak in unison. ‘Don’t tell Denise.’
I feel stressed just watching Sharon as she leaves with the four boys. I’m also exhausted after the nervous tension of today, the lack of sleep last night and from discussing a personal story in depth for an hour. It has wiped me out, but Ciara and I must wait until everybody has left to return the shop floor to the way it was and lock up.
‘That was nothing short of wonderful,’ Angela Carberry says, interrupting my thoughts. Angela, a great supporter of the shop who donates her designer clothes, bags and jewellery, is one of the main reasons Ciara can keep Magpie going. Ciara jokes that she thinks Angela buys things for the sole purpose of donating them. She’s dressed stylishly as always, a jet-black bob with a blunt fringe, a bird-like frame, and a set of pearls around her neck over the pussy bow tie on her silk dress.
‘Angela, so good of you to come.’ I’m taken aback when she reaches for me and hugs me.
Over her shoulder, Ciara’s eyes widen at the surprising display of intimacy from this usually austere woman. I feel Angela’s bones beneath her clothes as she hugs me tightly. Not one for impulsive behaviour or physical contact, she’s always seemed quite unapproachable on the occasions she personally delivered boxes of her clothes to the shop, shoes in their original boxes, bags in their original dust covers, telling us exactly where we should display them and how much we should sell them for without expecting a cent in return.
Her eyes are moist as she pulls away from me. ‘You must do this more often, you must tell this story to more people.’
‘Oh no,’ I laugh. ‘This was a one-off, more to silence my sister than anything else.’
‘But you don’t realise, do you?’ Angela asks, in surprise.
‘Realise what?’
‘The power of your story. What you have done to people, how you have reached in and touched every single heart in this room.’
Embarrassed, I look to the queue that has formed behind her, a queue of people who want to talk to me.
She grabs my arm and squeezes it, too tightly for my liking. ‘You must tell your story again.’
‘I appreciate your encouragement, Angela, but I’ve lived it once and told it once and I’m finished with it all.’
My words aren’t harsh but there’s a toughness to me that I didn’t expect. An edgy, prickly outer layer that springs into existence in an instant. As though my thorns have pierced her hand, she immediately loosens her grip on my arm. Then, remembering where she is and that there are others who want to speak with me, she reluctantly lets go.
Her hand is gone, my prickles disappear, but something of her pinching grip stays with me, like a bruise.
I crawl into bed beside Gabriel, the room spinning after drinking too much wine with Ciara and Mum in Ciara’s flat above the shop until far too late.
He stirs and opens his eyes, studies me for a moment and then grins at my state.
‘Good night?’
‘If I ever have any notions to do anything like that again … don’t let me,’ I murmur, eyes fluttering closed and trying to ignore the head spins.
‘Agreed. Well, you did it. You’re sister of the year, maybe you’ll get a pay rise.’
I snort.
‘It’s over now.’ He moves close and kisses me.