It was strange to walk on the beach in the middle of the night. The ground was cold and sort of humid, and the rough texture of the sand felt nice against my bare feet. The sea looked like a boundless expanse of black ink; the waves were smaller than a lake’s, quietly washing against the shore leaving behind only a faint, light blue halo. I didn’t talk at all. I couldn’t. Partly because I didn’t know what to say, partly because any word could have ruined the magic of that moment. We reached the public dock and walked along the wooden path leading into the water. At the farthest end from the shore, a few boats were tied to the dock with ropes. Roberto jumped on one and offered me his hand to follow him. It was a good thing he did, since I almost lost balance as soon as my feet touched the wooden floor of the boat.
“Careful,” Roberto said in a reassuring tone of voice, helping me up. “This boat is Dad’s. Everybody left their boats out here tonight because the sea’s calm. This way they can take them out early tomorrow morning to go fishing.”
“I see,” I whispered, looking at the water in awe. It felt like floating in the dark. I wanted to touch the surface, but I was almost scared that, if I did, the darkness would drag me down to the end of the world.
“Have you ever bathed in the sea at night? It’s kind of a thing here,” Roberto said, plunging his arm into the black liquid. “The water gets really warm at night, see?”
Hesitantly, I let my fingers touch the water as well. It really was warm. “It’s amazing,” I managed to say.
Roberto laughed and lay down on the boat. The first two buttons of his shirt were open, and I had to fight the temptation to bury my face in the crook of his neck. That was probably a bit extreme, but for a moment I thought I could really try to kiss him, which was… unusual for me. I never cared about kissing when hooking up with someone; it seemed like too personal a thing.
I swallowed some air and lay by his side, with my shoulder slightly brushing his, and I lost all words. Above us, the sky was full of stars. I had never seen so many. I didn’t even know there could be so many. The waves rocked the boat and I gasped, almost expecting the sky to fall on us. Roberto’s fingers touched my hand delicately and I found myself squeezing them. I didn’t look at him, as I was captured entirely by the sky above us.
“Are you okay?” he said in a whisper.
“I’m a little overwhelmed,” I said hoarsely. That was the understatement of the century. I had never felt more amazed and afraid at the same time.
“If you see a shooting star, don’t forget to make a wish.”
“Seeing a shooting star right now might scare me to death,” I confessed. “If you think about it, Earth is just a ball floating in the middle of nothing. How could I not see that until now?”
I heard him laughing a little by my side. “I know what you mean. We are very small and insignificant.”
“I could die right now.”
I don’t know how that came out. The strange thing was that I meant it. Roberto didn’t say a word, but our fingers intertwined. He held my hand tightly and I almost cried as I realized that was the most intimate gesture I had ever shared with another person in my whole life.
It all made no sense. He was a stranger. He had been just a very hot stranger until a couple of hours before.
What the hell is happening to me?
ROBERTO
What the hell is happening to me?
When I was James’ age, I was a flirt; I was great with casual relationships. But in my whole life, this had never happened to me. There was something about James that made me want to go an extra step. I didn’t understand. I didn’t go extra steps. I had never felt the need to.
Maybe it was the fact that looking at the stars scared him. I had never met someone who could look so vulnerable and attractive at the same time. It was impossible to guess what James was really thinking, but I could feel that there was so much more to him than met the eye. And somehow, that feeling made me think and do things I wasn’t supposed to.
“I’m sorry, my hand is sweaty,” he whispered with his gaze still lost in the sky.
“Your hand is fine.” It was fine, and it fit mine perfectly. Could that be considered cheating? I knew I should probably stop. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I was actually angry at myself for giving in to this temptation. I had never let myself get carried away like this before. I told myself that I was holding his hand because I thought he needed it, even though that was a lie. I wasn’t that selfless. “Relax, okay?” I said, trying to hide my inner conflict. “I promise you the sky won’t fall on us. And the boat is tied to the dock. We’re not going anywhere.”
A grin appeared on his face, and I wasn’t expecting it. James kept surprising me. “So you aren’t secretly taking me to your evil lair to kill me? I’m relieved.”
I raised my eyebrows and scoffed. “If I were, it would’ve been almost too easy.”
He bit his lips and finally turned his head to me. I wondered if his lips were so red because he bit them all the time. I had known him for less than a day, and I had already caught him doing it a lot. He swallowed and said, a little uncertainly, “Yeah, a lot of guys say that about me.”
For a moment, I was confused by his words. His eyes were fixed on me, as if he was waiting for me to say something. As seconds passed, I realized that was exactly what he was doing. “Are you coming out to me?” I said with a smile I couldn’t repress.
He quickly nodded his head. I burst out laughing, even though I probably shouldn’t have.
“Don’t laugh!” His face turned red, and he playfully punched my shoulder. “This is hard for me, okay? I’m in a foreign country.”
“Okay,” I whispered, a little breathless. With much effort, I held back my laughter. “Do you need me to come out to you as well or the fact that I’m holding your hand while looking at the stars makes it clear enough?”
James actually pouted. “How would I know? You’re Italian! You people touch each other all the time.”
“That sounds totally weird. We don’t hold hands in any less than a romantic way.”
“I see lots of girls walking hand in hand on the beach. Are they all lesbians?”
I chuckled again. “No, girls do that as friends too. Guys don’t, but we do hug sometimes. In a very manly way.”
James’ confused face was priceless.
“I’m very gay, James.”
He let out a deep breath. “Thank you very much.”
I turned on my side to face him completely and he did the same. Unthinkingly, I moved my free hand to his face and cupped his cheek. His skin was as soft as I had imagined. Before I knew it, I heard myself saying, “You know, you shouldn’t tell men you’ve just met that guys say you’re easy. They might get the wrong idea.”
His eyes sparkled, and he looked at me from under his eyelashes. “Or maybe they’ll get the right idea.” Was he the same person who was scared of looking at the stars a few minutes ago? Just like I thought, James did have a mischievous side behind his sweet face. He was complex and unpredictable; a combination that I found challenging and fascinating.
I wondered what he really wanted from me. Sex? He was nineteen and most likely wanted to have fun; I had done it too when I was his age. I thought I could go for it. I could kiss that lovely mouth and make him fall apart in my arms. He’d look pretty damn good in my bed.